Vows
Cast:
Priest
Stacy
Brad
Setting: Wedding ceremony, front of the church.
Priest: Brad and Stacy have written their own vows to help us celebrate this holy union. Stacy?
(Stacy hands priest her beautifully prepared vows, perhaps calligraphed on a delicate scroll of paper, even)
P: Thank you. Please repeat after me these words you have carefully chosen to exemplify your intentions here today. (reading the scroll) I, Stacy...
Stacy: I, Stacy
P: take you, Brad
S: take you, Brad
P: into my heart and soul
S: into my heart and soul
P: to love and be loved
S: to love and be loved
P: to take care of and be cared for
S: to take care of and be cared for
P: to fit together
S: to fit together
P: in this world forever
S: in this world forever
P: 'til the next one calls us apart
S: 'til the next one calls us apart
(long pause)
P: Brad... your vows please.
Brad: (not catching on right away) Ohhh... yeah... (digging around in his pockets for a while, tossing out some loose change, keys, condom packages, etc..., finally finding a used bar napkin, hands it to Priest)
P: (taking it with some concern) Thank you. (opening it quickly) Repeat after me. Call me sometime. Love, Debbie.
B: Call me... crap (grabs napkin from Priest, shoves it back in his pocket. Stacy is staring at him in shock, looking at his pocket, Brad is trying to cover with guestures and small laughter, finally realize that he should not have put the napkin back in his pocket at all. He takes it out, sheepishly hands it to Stacy)
S: Ahhh! (she discards it to the side in disgust)
B: (has now dug deeper and found a very used napkin which he hands to Priest) Here... this is it...
P: (with disgust, trying to open the napkin which is tearing into shreds, finally gets it open, trying to read) Dear Stacy, I .... I .... (whisper to Brad) I can't make this out at all... (Brad takes napkin from Priest, very nervously)
B: (reading) Dear Stacy, I lob you... and... I... (reading what elect words he can make out) ...picture... uhhh... heaven... grow... ummm... leave.... you... ahhhh... you.... heart.... bucket? (looking up, Stacy is not pleased) Ummmm.... why don't I start over...
(Stacy is fuming, gives him a "go-ahead" stare, during this speech, Stacy's reactions are key, as Brad is too nervous to understand what he's doing or saying.)
B: Stacy... ever since the day I met you in my roomate's shower....
I knew you were the girl for me.
You stirred something in me that I usually have to stir by myself,
and you stirred it so often and in so many different ways,
I knew I was hooked even before I'd rinsed the shampoo fom my hair.
Feelings like that don't come along very often;
so I knew you were special right away.
Sure, these past four weeks have been difficult.
We've been through a lot together.
Like that time when your mother called me a "loser"
and said I was crushing her dreams for you.
I was so mad at her. I woulda punched her,
but you stepped in and stopped my fist with your stomach.
Then she threatened to call the cops
just because I like to spark up now and then,
but you calmed her down by reminding her
about the sex film she made when she was eighteen.
That was frickin' hilarious.
Guess what, I forgot to tell you that my dealer has that movie!
You know maybe we could watch it later tonight?
My Dad always told me:
"Son, don't marry the first bitch that comes along"
Now, I can tell him, "Dad, I didn't!"
And as soon as he gets the murder charge overturned
that's what I'll say to him!
He'll be so happy to meet you, Stacy!
All four of his living wives have the same color hair as you,
but, you know, none of their tits are as nice as yours.
Well, Lisa's probably were, but she's like fifty-five now;
so you have nicer breasts than all of them!
I mean that, Stacy, from the bottom of my heart.
For the first couple weeks, I thought maybe we might be soul mates.
Then, not last weekend, but the weekend before that,
when were at Ricky's place, and you vomited all over his stereo
then you cried for a long time because there was a Phish CD
on top of it, and you told me you really liked Phish
especially if it doesn't have vomit on it,
then I KNEW we were soul mates.
Wow! I had to travel far and wide to find a girl
who liked Phish's music and didn't like vomit,
even if it was her own!
I don't care that you used to sleep with other girls.
That doesn't bother me at all.
In fact, I was hoping maybe you could start doing that again
and I could watch or something.
Maybe we could even invite other people
and they could pay to watch!
We'd be totally fucking rich!
So, yeah, I love you and I'm glad you're my wife.
With your mom's porno and the lesbian business
and Phish's music without vomit and your breasts,
I think we'll have a pretty cool marriage...
...For, you know, as long as it lasts.
(lights out)
(end)
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