No Matter What the Bottle Tells You, Do Not Share a Coke with ...

- your computer
- your left ear
- your dreams
- shag carpeting
- most of Bob Dylan
- Antonio. If the Coke bottle wants you to share with Antonio, don't! If Antonio begs, still do not share with him. He'll get petulant about it - trust me - and then you can point out that his petulance is a big reason why you won't share with him. If he persists, tell him it's because I said so. That'll shut him up, because his past actions are not to be forgiven. Not yet. And, despite his bluster, he knows why and likely accepts that he brought this harm unto himself. So, no Coke for Antonio. None.
- any product of exhumation
- chalk
- the unreachable horizon
- your friend's pants
- all prime numbers
- Antonio, still no
- your manta ray
- the rest of Bob Dylan

David Lynch Women's Sportswear Collection

"The multifaceted film director David Lynch has co-designed a line of sportswear with luxury US brand Live the Process."

http://tinyurl.com/l7ovzmf

Highlights include:
- Finger bras
- Yoga pants (chartreuse, hot pink floral, shallow scream, charcoal)
- Non-linear jazz shoes
- Quarter-zip, dry-fit hoodie - macabre, symbolic
- One human ear (call for sizing)
- Large dog wearing a cardigan riding on small unicycle
- Reanimated lycra skort
- The perpetual whisper of static, capri or full-length
- Compression sports brax
- Six pack of dehydrated, lo-rise workout tongues
- Mumbling cotton singlet

A Little More Than "Two Kinds Of People"

There are two kinds of people in this world, decisive and ... wait, no ...

There are two kinds of people in this world, that one guy named Stuart and everyone else.

There are two kinds of people in this world, dead and those closer to dead than they were at the start of this sentence.

There are three kinds of proper English conjunctions in this world, but and and and or.

There are kinds of two people in this world, pairs.

There are three kinds of people in this world, one, two, and three, but one doesn't know about three who is also sleeping with two; so don't tell him this joke because there are only two kinds of people in his world, and it's probably better for all concerned.

There are two kinds of people in this world, you and the you you don't want to believe you have become.

There are two kinds of people in this world, gullible people and people who stupidly believe there are only two kinds of people in this world.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people who can tell a joke and jokes.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people looking for aliens, aliens, and people not looking for aliens.

There are two kinds of people in this world, one or the other.

There are two kinds of two kinds of people in this world, compared and contrasted.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kid who embarrassed you in front of the whole school in the lunchroom on that lonely January day so long ago, and the people who you haven't since stabbed to death.

There are two kinds of people in this world, absolutists and people who aren't trying to control you.

There are two kinds of people in this world, for now.  For ....... now.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the person reading these words right now and you.

There are two kinds of people in this world, but you wouldn't know that from looking at the millions of kinds of people there are in this world.

There is one kind of people in this world, people and trees.

Traffic Laws and Driving Protocol

If four vehicles arrive at a four-way stop at exactly the same time, all drivers must immediately exit their vehicles and discuss how cool it was.

Pedestrians are hostile. Curse at them proactively.

Passing another vehicle on a sharp curve of two-lane road is extremely dangerous and, therefore, illegal. Don't be a pussy. Go for it.

All grocery purchases must be secured with a seat belt. Each watermelon must have its own booster seat and name.

Until your income reaches certain heights, drunk driving is illegal.

All motorcyclists must wear a helmet.  Bad motorcyclists must wear two.

When poor traction causes you to lose control of your vehicle, swear into the skid.

To improve visibility during adverse weather conditions, drive in your garage only.

When stopped by a police officer, exit your vehicle quickly and sprint toward the police car so the officer doesn't have to walk so far to give you a ticket.

Speed limits are very pessimistic.  Most modern vehicles have limits that easily surpass them.

When driving by a school or other area where children are gathered, lessen the chance of an accident by slowing to three miles per hour, rolling down your window and whistling a non-threatening tune at them.

Left turns on red are legal if only you believe!

To help other drivers see you, drive as close to them as possible.

Passengers are allowed one free vroom-vroom noise per trip.

Hummingbird Facts You Never Should Learn

1. All named Duncan.
2. A hummingbird flaps its wings in North Carolina, and a child dies in brutal poverty in Rio. The hummingbird doesn't even care about it.
3. Despite their name, they prefer hip-hop.
4. Do not actively support marriage equality.
5. Due to poor cooking skills, it takes at least eight of them to make a decent omelet.
6. Very shy about buying condoms.
7. Because they are lazy and out of shape, their hearts beat twenty times a second.
8. Have been known to bogart the nectar.
9. Fart way more than is proper.
10. Neither float like a butterfly nor sting like a bee despite pretending to be both.
11. Unwilling to respect some Supreme Court precedents.
12. Shot a man in Reno.

Life Hacks

LIFE HACKS!

Brendon addresses everyday problems with solutions so simple, intuitive, and absolutely necessary that you will gawp in awe at the feeble nature of your brain.

PROBLEM? Bananas are too hard to open
LIFE HACK! Using a spirit medium, contact the ghost of America's 11th President, James K. Polk

PROBLEM? Loose change weighs down your purse, wallet or pockets
LIFE HACK! Pretend you're stronger

PROBLEM? Sloppy toothpaste tubes
LIFE HACK! Remove your teeth

PROBLEM? The alphabet
LIFE HACK! Only use the easy letters

PROBLEM? Shoelaces break too often
LIFE HACK! Using a fax machine, contact James K. Polk (1-866-POLKSTA)

PROBLEM? Millions of hovering snakes with guns
LIFE HACK! Diplomacy

PROBLEM? Paper clips of different sizes intermingled in a single tray
LIFE HACK! Desk camera surveillance system to monitor for agitators

PROBLEM? Self-confidence
LIFE HACK! Rubber bands, rubber bands, rubber bands!

PROBLEM? Tomato sauce stains on your white shirt
LIFE HACK! Not caring

PROBLEM? Out of question marks
LIFE HACK! Punch an exclamation point in the gut

PROBLEM? Failing to crack the pop music charts
LIFE HACK! Polk again

PROBLEM? Many cords tangled together
LIFE HACK! Denial. Escape.

PROBLEM? Final dregs of mayonnaise hard to get out of the jar
LIFE HACK! Set up a top-notch exploratory committee to draft a resolution

PROBLEM? You
LIFE HACK! Me or someone else, but probably me

PROBLEM? Matching socks after you take them out of the dryer
LIFE HACK! Encoded serial numbers on the toes read by optical scanner or your sudden death

Early Def Leppard Names

Early Names and Impairments of the Band that became Def Leppard

SWELLD GAZZELLE - bruising, edema

CHAFEN ELEEFANT - rashes (idiopathic)

BLUDD SLUTH - puncture wounds

SPINT OXX - vertigo (mild to severe)

BLIND AWESALOT! - inability to see creatively

DED DONKEE - feedback-related lung collapse

Secret Middle Names of Historical Figures

Benjamin Buttonfly Franklin
Joan D'of Arc
Reginald Joseph Socrates
William Jumpstart Shakespeare
Jane Meli$$a Austen
Helen Throwdown Keller
Jim Sappho Anderson
Margaret Yeahyeah Thatcher
Oliver Michael God

Avoiding Death

Death will call on you many times. Be sure you have registered on your state's "Do Not Call" list.

Wear deathscreen.  DPF 30 or above, especially during the high-death hours of noon to noon.

Don't engage in activities which have been linked to death, like eating or breathing.

Stay in shape.  Suggested shape: vertical line segment.

Double your lifespan by forcing your children to accomplish what you did not.

Play dead.

Believe there's a blissful, painless, eternal life after this one, or at least a good hotel with a hot tub.

What I Just Realized About Some Popular 1970s Songs

1 - The Copacabana does not take place in the popular beach district of Rio de Janeiro, because that particular Copacabana, though hot, is not "north of Havana."  My mistake.  It is also a sadder narrative than I remembered.  The song smells like orange perfume.

2 - The horse doesn't have a name, but that's a meaningless human construct to place on any animal, especially one that is very busy carrying you through a desert filled with plants, birds, rocks, things, and possibly other stuff.

3 - I'm going to continuing assuming that Todd Rundgren is the "me" in question.  This has worked for me so far.  The name "Rundgren" also sounds like an impression of a motorcycle noise.

4 - The Devil totally beat Johny's ass down there in Georgia.

Where Isn't Waldo?

The lint trap

San Diego, northwest quadrant

There.  Right there.  No!

In love

On the thirty, the twenty, the ten, five...

Liar's Gulch, lookin' down the business end of a six-shooter

Your grocer's peanut bin

The Nineteen Types of Illegitimate Rape

Dear Reader,

First peruse this article, lest you not recognize the context of today's list.

Done reading? Good.

There are twenty types of rape, but only one is technically legitimate. The other nineteen don't count. Please don't question this list, it has been scientifically ascertained from talking to doctors.

For future reference, here are the nineteen illegitimate types of rape.


1. Silly rape
2. Annoying rape
3. Sentimental rape
4. Drinky rape
5. White rape
6. Ghost rape
7. Conflicted rape
8. Party rape
9. Punishment rape
10. Subtle rape
11. Ironic rape
12. Wealthy rape
13. Compensatory rape
14. Hazy rape
15. Lesser rape
16. Suburban rape
17. Religious rape
18. Only rape
19. Rape

Words That Don't Rhyme With Anything

1 - Can
2 - Popsicle
3 - Daring
4 - Rut
5 - Sliver
6 - Lie
7 - Acquaintance
8 - Fiscal
9 - Jumped
10 - Desolate
11 - Quarry
12 - Map
13 - Verily
14 - Syrup
15 - Litigant
16 - Puerile
17 - Dog
18 - Once
19 - Forge
20 - Pneumonia
21 - Trick
22 - Tasks
23 - Forget

HOW YOU MAY CLAP DURING OUR FRINGE SHOW

1 - So your hands make a farty sound
2 - Metaphysically
3 - With gusto, which you can purchase in 4-packs at the door
4 - Intermittently, with no sense of connection to any signifiers
5 - In 9/23 time
6 - Clappingly
7 - In fear while warding off demons
8 - As your forefathers did: constitutionally
9 - In a way which signals your readiness to mate
10 - Funky funky
11 - With every hand you can find
12 - Fifteen minutes too late
13 - Silently
14 - With highest regard for the proud institution of dirty, curse-laden, very short comedic skits
15 - With utmost panache and stunning derring-do
16 - With your knees or butt
17 - Hardly

FRINGE WEBSITE FOR OUR SHOW: http://www.fringefestival.org/2012/show/?id=2321

FACEBOOK EVENT PAGE: https://www.facebook.com/events/235504406570935/

11 Horrible Mistakes That Will Destroy My Fringe Festival Show

1 -Casting only manatees.


2 - Frequently stopping the production to make sure the audience "gets it."


3 - The ironic hyper-literate actualization of ennui.


4 - Apparently, failing to include zombies is a huge fucking faux pas.


5 - Tendency to leave curveballs high in the zone.


6 - Meaninglessness.


7 - Actors drink too much Kool-Aid.


8 - Encouraging audience members to "jerk off" will be somehow misinterpreted by perverts.


9 - Actors' inability to break through fourth wall leaves them no egress from the flames.


10 - The air guitar solos run long.


11 - Something like that scene in "Indiana Jones" where those guys' faces melted.

Despite all this, you can still partake of "Brendon Etter Presents Several Short Plays Which Are For You To Watch At"

Here's the schedule:

Shows are at the U of MN Rarig Center Xperimental 330 21st Ave S, Lower Level : Thursday, 8/2 at 10pm Saturday, 8/4 at 7pm Monday 8/6 at 7pm Tuesday, 8/7 at 10pm Saturday, 8/11 at 7pm Tickets: $12

Here is this:  https://www.facebook.com/events/235504406570935/

And here is this: http://www.fringefestival.org/2012/show/?id=2321

Here are the top seven words in this sentence.

6th runner-up: this

5th runner-up: words

4th runner-up: the

3rd runner-up: Here

2nd runners-up (tie):  are, sentence

WINNER! - in

(Honorable Mention: seven)

(Participant: top)

The Top 9 Serial Killer Worries

1) Can men still wear white dress shoes?

2) What if I'm late?

3) What if someone realizes that I'm only pretending to understand most avant garde films?

4) When does this coupon expire?  It doesn't say.

5) Do I need more closet space?

6) That bird looks upset.

7) Has my behavior taken on any addictive qualities?

8) What's in it for me?

9) Mildew.

OTHER NAMES FOR THE GIRAFFE

1 - Extreme Horse

2 - El Tonguerino

3 - Captain Gangly 

4 - Not Your Starting Point Guard

5 - Bizarre Sex Fetish #187

6 - KneeKnobbles

7 - The Worst Spy

8 - Height Hog

9 - Doug and / or Nancy

10 - Portable Car Shed

11 - Llamasaurus

12 - Cloud Burper

13 - World's Most Expensive Step Ladder

WHERE IS MY MIND?

My mind left me years ago.  Where is it?  Good question.  I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities.

- Stuck to a funny porcupine.

- Down on the corner, out in the street, though it seems impossible for it to be both places at once.

- Trying on bow ties at an unnamed menswear shop.

- Riding herd.

- Somewhence.

- Soaking in its own gravy.

- Starring in a very special episode of.

- Telling me that my call is very important to it.  Please hold.

- Just fuckin' around.

- Writing a play about a late-night waitress and an angry short-order cook in a seedy cafe on the outskirts of a dying, midwestern, industrial town.

- Waltzing. Always waltzing.

Breathe, Damn you!

BREATHE, DAMN YOU and other thoughts: A list of things I am yelling at the guy dying in front of me

1 - "There's a time and place for everything except dying, damn it!"

2 - "Well! I never!"

3 - "You have at least four more stages of grief to get through very fast!"

4 - "Does your health insurance provider cover imminent death services?!"

5 - "Hurry up, you!"

6 - "Hold on!  I just got a text!"

7 - "Do you see a light or a disco ball?!"

8 - "You're really embarrassing me!"

9 - "Nice shoes!"

10 - "Are you even listening to me at all?!"

11 - "I'm totally a Good Samaritan!"

12 - "This relationship is not providing opportunities for me to grow as a person!"

13 - "Why does everything have to be about you?!"

14 - "Arrrrrrrrrrrggg what?!"

15 - "Gross!"