June 9, 2008

iPheatures of the Apple iPhone II

Apple Computers, makers of both the Apple II and IIe computers, today unveils something that it hopes will top even those technological marvels, the Apple Computer iPhone II.

As someone who didn't purchase either the iPhone I or the Apple IIe - just how many colors does a monitor need - I am, nonetheless, thrilled by this futuristic development.

I have uncovered very secret details about this iProduct on the iTernet. It's quite the thing!

Here's a list of rumored features, or a rumored list of features.

(Special note to our iBritain readers and Fleetwood iMac fans, this becomes a list of rumoured features.)

1. Touch screen can now be manipulated by your penis.

2. Touch screen can also be manipulated by your other penis.

3. Touch screen cannot be manipulated by any other penis that doesn't pass penisprint recognition test.

4. Touch screen can be manipulated by special stylus inserted into your penis.

5. Penis can be manipulated by your touch screen.

6. You can talk to other people through the "mouthpiece" and hear what that person is saying through the "earpiece".

7. Penis can also be manipulated by new, highly-advanced, no-longer-very-sharp, "Reel-Feel" mouthpiece.

8. Female adapters available.

9. iPong (You can now use your penis to control the paddle.)

NB: Always remember to wear a condom when manipulating your iPhone II. Use alcohol swabs. Also note that when you manipulate an iPhone II, you are not only manipulating that iPhone II, but also the iPhone IIs of everybody else who has ever manipulated that iPhone II.


Unknown said...

10. Can turn screen into trick mirror to inflate penis' ego.

11. Can now nag and moan, keeping penis in flaccid state.

12. iPhone II "Female" adapter upgrade can turn iPhone into abusive device that only shows sports and Skinemax movies.

Anonymous said...

Satan is awaiting your arrival in hell. funny stuff, I hope it's worth the trip to hell to make people laugh.

Brendon Etter said...


Very good additions. Though I doubt the ability of the penis to contain an ego, I love the trick mirror idea. I should get one of those just for general use.


What the hell does Satan have to do with anything? Don't you go gettin' all righteous on me. Besides, I don't believe in hell; I tried calling hell on my iPhone II, and no one answered.

Unknown said...

Satan just wants an iPhone II and knows if he brings you to Hell, you can give it to him.

Actually, maybe it's Saddam Hussein that wants it. He's pretty abusive towards Old Scratch.