June 23, 2008

Irrefutable Evidence That I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Research by my team of me has uncovered shocking new evidence that I am my own worst enemy. I have always been the lead suspect, but new facts have come to light that bolster my case against myself.

The charges I have leveled against myself have now reached actionable status, and I can't just sit back and watch me get away with this any longer.

Acting as my own defense attorney in the proceedings, I will show up to the trial drunk, disinterested and uninformed, frequently falling asleep instead of effectively cross-examining myself.

Doing so, I greatly enhance the likelihood, on two different levels, that I will win a conviction.

Here are some of the new pieces of evidence that I am truly my own worst enemy.

1. I wiretap my phone conversations without my knowledge.

2. Once drank myself under the table.

3. During a five-mile run on June 2, 2008, I tripped even though there was no one around to trip me.

4. I killed a neighbor then framed myself with evidence I planted on myself.

5. Someone put butter in my underwear, even though I know I prefer margarine in my socks.

6. Picked myself out of a line-up of suspects.

7. I lie to myself and then catch myself denying to myself that I lied to myself and then lie to myself about denying it to myself.

8. Missed my birthday by a whole year.

9. Always leaving a horse head on my pillow, and I don't even own that part of a horse anymore.


Unknown said...

10. Once ate food after he intentionally sneezed in it.

11. Repeatedly poked at a sore in his mouth, extending its life by three days.

12. Became friends with Shari, wait... that's how Shari is her own worst enemy.

Jim H. said...

Regarding #2: Once?

Brendon Etter said...

Actually, Jim, I've really only been very drunk once in my whole life. I've been legally intoxicated a handful of other times, but I've never been a drinker. So that one - that "once" - is, in a sense, quite true.

I know, it's weird when I tell the truth...

Anonymous said...

Sadly I missed the drunk event- but the hostess of the party at which said drunkenness occurred still feels guilty about it.

Mrs. Bleet

Brendon Etter said...

As well she should, Mrs. Bleeet (THREE E's if you please), it was totally her fault. She said it was water in the wading pool. She was wrong.