June 3, 2008

How Do You Fill Your Godhole?

We all drift from day to day. Lost children, wandering. We need guidance.

We have a void in our life that can only be likened to a hole.

Now, it doesn't matter what or where that hole is - be it a physical or metaphorical hole, or be it located inside our hearts or our soul or even in the form of a gaping puncture wound in our left shoulder - but we know why the hole is there.

Yes, we do.

The hole is there because God is missing in our lives.

It is our Godhole.

It must be filled!

Many fill it with addictions - chemical, sexual, behavioral - addictions that are not related to compulsive attendance at church or obsessive adherence to church dogma - and are, therefore, the wrong addictions to have.

None of these non-church addictions fill our Godhole.

We think they fill it while we are high on crystal meth and dark chocolate copulating with attractive strangers underneath the blackjack table, but we wake up strung out, wrung out and hung out. The Godhole gets bigger, and we get more and more desperate.

Can't someone guide us? Isn't there some way I can fill this painful Godhole once and for all?

Yes, there is.

In fact, there are many ways.

Let's look at some tools that should help fill the Godhole in our lives. Feel free to think of your own tool.

1. Sanctioned learning activities

2. Antibiotic cream and gauze (puncture wound-variety Godhole only)

3. Laughter (Anti-Satan laughter, not shameful laughter)

4. Perpetual prayer mumbling

5. Godcaulk (preferably waterproof and silicone-based)

6. Hangin' with your favorite priest (under 18 only)

7. Selective logic, a map and a compass always pointing toward "H"

8. Proper guilt (ask your church elders about Two-For-One Shame Specials)

9. Self-righteousness

10. Jeez-Wiz on Christcuit Crackers (in either cheddar or zesty ranch flavors)

11. Intense white heat

12. Patriotism (only works in non-Muslim countries)

13. Right-selfishness

14. Wariness of so-called "reality"

15. Conformity

Join us next week when we examine how to fill our gaping Christhole, and why you must never call it your X-hole!


ShOI said...

I use my godhole as a handy extra pocket. Keys, cellphone, wallet - they all fit perfectly!

Jim H. said...

Traveling through Iowa recently (compass pointing directly at H) we passed a sign that said "Learning Area 2 mi"

I want to go back and add this phrase for clarification: "Learning prohibited outside designated areas."

Blogments fill my godhole.

Unknown said...

16. Use Godhole to redirect the sexual frustrations of Christian virgins so they can stay pure. Unfortunately, Godholes run together, so Shoi's keys and cell phone may be a little, uh, "sticky". (Yes Shoi, I used my fingers to quote that word.)

Brendon Etter said...

Ahh... shove it up yer Godhole!

Sorry, not really a comment to any of my beloved commenters, I just really wanted to say that.

Henry - Stop using your fingers for so many things... you're like a fingerholic... seriously, get some help.

Jim H. - At least they've got 2 miles in which to learn. You can stuff a lot of learning into two miles, unless it's two miles falling, straight down, from an airplane, with no parachute, in which case, you will only learn the following things: You are going to die. You are going to die very soon.

Shoi - That's gotta hurt... Do you lube the keys before insertion?