June 26, 2008

Exactly How to Get into Heaven

Step 1 - Put your car in reverse.

Step 2 - Get out of your car.

Step 3 - Put someone else's car in reverse. It doesn't matter whose car.

Step 4 - Take the next four immediate lefts.

Step 5 - Throw a freshly laid egg as far as you can.

Step 6 - Make a mockery of your hopes and dreams.

Step 7 - Turn right.

Step 8 - Practice when you preach.

Step 9 - Commit to everything nowhere.

Step 10 - Abdicate! Abdicate!

Step 11 - Take your next available merge onto a subjective freeway.

Step 12 - Skip this step.

Step 13 - Remember something important.

Step 14 - Forget it.

Step 15 - Pretend you care.

Step 16 - Imagine you were doing it for a purpose other than you.

Step 17 - Eat the glory.

Step 18 - Round the corner. Almost there.

Step 19 - Dig for treasure.

Step 20 - Ask for directions.

Step 21 - Ignore the real. It's only real.

Step 22 - Don't talk to that guy. He's a yeller.

Step 23 - Balk.

Step 24 - Assume you're right.

Step 25 - Eat some broccoli.

Step 26 - Go home.

Step 27- Wait for it.

Step 28 - Keep waiting.

Step 29 - Derive the catalyst.

Step 30 - Stop talking to that guy. Really.

Step 31 - Take your next left.

Step 32 - Knock on the window five times.

Step 33 - Give an assumed name.

Step 34 - Befuddle.

Step 35 - Decry.

Step 36 - Deny.

Step 37 - Inflate.

Step 38 - Repeat your favorite step.

Step 39 - Remember... something. Anything?

I hope that helped. Some of us are too wise to keep it all inside.


Jim H. said...

You know, I don't really want to get into a theological debate or a discussion about semantics or quibbles about the technical aspects of geometry, but if one takes four successive left turns and if those turns are 90 degree turns, one arrives back where one started. So that step would have the same effect as step 12 (skip this step). The journey to heaven (or to Bayonne, take your pick) is already too long without going 'round the block.

Or is it an illustration of the necessity for ritual and repetition?

Damn, Brendon, please don't make me think so hard!

Brendon Etter said...

I am not so much asking people to think hard, but using the list as a mirror.

Does it make sense to you? If so, why? If not, why not? What metaphors do you find?

It's post-modern, I guess, because the list might be you, might be me, might be a comment on lists in general, but, in the end, it is only what you read it as.

Post-modern is a synonym for saying nothing while meaning everything.

In other words, it's uselessly meaningful and meaninglessly useful.

In other words, it's a waste of time.

Does that help?

Anonymous said...

So, based on the inclusion of Step 20, there will be a lot of women in Heaven and not many men :)

Brendon Etter said...

True dat, Myrna. I actually do ask for directions, but I don't need them that often.

'Cuz I'm a fucking genius.