Brendon Writes 4 Variations of Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch: #2

You all know the sketch. If you don't, watch.





I now strive to re-imagine that particular bit of comic history in my own way. Four separate posts.



VARIATION 2

CUSTOMER: Hello. I'd like to register a complaint.

SHOPKEEPER: Yes, sir?

C: Yes, this parrot that I purchased here not half an hour ago is dead. In fact, it was probably dead when I bought it.

S: Okay.

C: What do you mean, "okay"?

S: It was dead when you bought it?

C: Almost certainly.

S: And it's still dead?

C: Of course!

S: So, how have we failed you, sir?

C: You sold me a dead bird.

S: That has successfully remained dead.

C: So?!

S: It seems to me that your parrot is operating precisely as purchased.

C: It's not operating at all!

S: I should hope not; it's not a trained surgeon. (chuckles)

C: That's not funny.

S: I thought it was a little funny.

C: My point is you can't sell dead parrots.

S: Apparently, we can.

C: You shouldn't.

S: We usually don't, sir.

C: You did though.

S: Not really, you bought a dead parrot. In so doing, you made us sell you one.

C: Made you?!

S: The parrot would have remained by itself, in our store, unsold if it weren't for you.

C: Are you saying it's my fault!?

S: You bought it.

C: I didn't know!

S: How could you not know that this parrot was dead?

C: I was in a hurry.

S: And in your haste, you bought a parrot, but, I submit to you, sir, that had you not bought this parrot, you would not have bought a dead parrot, so, by the very act of buying this parrot, you have, in a very real way, created the death of this parrot.

C: Unbelievable!

S: Follow along: You could have bought something else?

C: Yes, but...

S: If you bought something else, you would not have a dead parrot, right?

C: Yes, but...

S: So, the parrot would still be here in the store?

C: Probably, yes...

S: Why?

C: What?

S: Why would the parrot still be here?

C: Because it would be stupid to buy a dead parrot.

S: Exactly.

C: But it was dead all along!

S: But no one noticed it was dead; so it was really alive. You killed it.

C: Listen, you! Do you or do you not have any replacements for this bird?

S: No, sir. We're fresh out of birds.

C: What do you have?

S: This stapler. It's more functional than a bird, and doesn't shit everywhere.

-end-