June 24, 2008

Besides a New Terrorist Strike on American Soil, These Things Will Help McCain's Campaign

With a dose of gentlemanly humor, good ol' Charlie Black - war profiteer, kindly consultant to dictators and warlords, and a top adviser for John McCain - recently let slip his true feelings on the political advantages of terrorist attacks on the United States. Oopsies!

Ohh, Charlie! You silly goose! Don't say that. I mean, it's true, but surely you would never want to profit or benefit politically from war or terrorism, especially against your own belove-ed land, and I'm sure that... ohh, wait... you rapscallion, you!

You would...

I get it now. Well, good luck seeing this campaign strategy through to a successful end, you beautiful scoundrel. You Karl Rove Lite!

Hooray for terror! Hooray for the fascistic allegiance, idealistic zealotry and thuggy patriotism that it engenders in so many truly stupid people the country o'er!

You're a genius, Charlie Black. Terrorism is your Menace-By-Proxy. Unite the country by focusing on an unknowable enemy. Since we can't define them, we can't defeat them. We will always be united.


That keeps your political and fiscal fortunes fat, and keeps Americans standing together behind this country's highest principle: Fear.

I know it's presumptuous of me to offer suggestions to an obvious master of the game, but I hope beyond hope that you will read these suggestions and take them under advisement as possible strategic initiatives for ensuring McCain's election... you know, if you can't swing that new terrorist attack plan.

1. Run McCain through a "De-Ageification" Machine set at 48.

2. Make the Vice Presidential selection process a reality TV show. Suggested categories: Obsequiousness, Jingoism, Evening Gown, Evasiveness.

3. Court the female vote by making sure McCain always appears in public with a zucchini in his pants.

4. Sponsor a huge, touring, nihilistic rock festival that will tell youthful attendees that voting is only for suckers who do what they're told.

5. McCain should spit out the ping pong balls in his cheeks.

6. Change campaign slogan to "Mega-Yes We Can!" or "Yes We Can Infinity!"

7. Viagra - Oh, wait that's not for ensuring McCain's election. Better stick with the zucchini.

8. McCain must wear only the sexiest push-up bras for his man boobs.

9. Appeal directly to young hip-hop and techno music fans by spelling his name 'MC Cain'.

10. Make sure zucchini is in the front of his pants. Also, it should be at groin height.

11. Roller shoes!

12. A whole-neck tattoo with the image of smooth skin to cover his distinct wattle.

13. Swap identities, ideas, ability and genetic structure with Barack Obama.

14. Must distance himself even further from any hint of Bush by insisting all female staffers get full Brazilian waxes.


Unknown said...

15. Do a duet with Miley Cyrus or whomever is the current Disney Girl. May not help in the 2008 election, but those girls will be able to vote in 2016!

16. Wear a muscle suit underneath his sweaters.

17. Get sponsorship deals for the "Straight Talk Express" caravan from the likes of Mountain Dew, Red Bull, Microsoft's Zune department, and Verizon Wireless. Wear a neck tie that says "l33t".

18. Push through a constitutional amendment raise the voting age to 58.

19. Get a music festival going featuring the likes of Percy Faith, Perry Como, Eartha Kitt, and Eddie Fischer. Get impersonators for the dead ones.

Brendon Etter said...

Okay!! That's the shit, Henry!

I especially love #18 and #19...

Constitutional amendment, you slay me...

Wish I'd thought of it!