1 - I Get Angry At Bridges
2 - Just Eat This And Shut The Hell Up
3 - Compassion: My Greatest Virtue?
4 - You're A Stupid Fuck!
5 - This Book Understands Everything That Torments You And Will Instantly Make Your Life Perfect As You So Richly Deserve
6 - Please Stop Touching My Underwear
7 - Conspiracy Theories On A Budget
8 - The Brendoning
9 - I Believe I Shall Have A Light Snack
10 - You Are The People About Whom This Book Is Not
11 - Get Ye Gone And Other Ways I Castigate Wenches
12 - My Story: Why I Put That Under Your Pillow
13 - Why Is No One Touching My Underwear?
14 - How I Did In School: The Annotated Transcripts, Death Threats And Tardy Slips
15 - Guided Tour Of The International Museum Of Me
16 - The Brendoning II: Twice The Ing!
17 - Where The Cucumber Doesn't Belong: A Recollection
18 - Paths Not Taken And Other Things I Will Write About Not Being Able To Write About
19 - Fondlicious
20 - Many Good Words Died For This Book
21 - All My Nobel Prize Thingies
22 - There Is No 'I' In 'Me'
23 - Love And Everything Else You Should Pretend To Care About
24 - Here Be Dragons Would Be A Cool Name For My Next Rap Supergroup
25 - Nap Your Way To The Top!
26 - Self-Titled By Myself
27 - What's That Smell?
28 - The Brendoning III: Number 3 Of Three In The Trilogy of III!
29 - A Complete Listing Of Everyone I Write Better Than
30 - Apologies Other People Probably Owe Me
31 - I Wish I Had A Tail That Shot Lasers. That Would Be Great!
32 - Observations And Other Observations
33 - Caring And How To Avoid It
34 - Word, Sentence, Paragraph, Chapter, Story: The Useless Death March
35 - I Choose To Tolerate You
36 - Stab! A Man, A Knife, A Musical, A Plausible Defense
37 - I Greatly Enjoy Yogurt
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