July 17, 2011

How the Tea Party Will Undermine the Legitimacy of the First Female President

In 2016, a woman will be elected America's next President.

The Tea Party, fresh off their glorious Eight Year Plan to delegitimize the presidency of Barack Obama, a known black man, will rapidly switch gears and spend the next eight years delegitimizing the new President, a known not man.

How will they do it?  What genius maneuvers will they orchestrate?

Odds are very good, these will be among them:

- Nationally televised hymen check, for purity.  
(Breaking new ground, but if she's innocent, she shouldn't care, right?)

- Eight years of sarcastic air quotes every time they refer to the President's husband as the "First Lady."
(They have been known to understand sarcasm.  It's rare, but some of them possess the ability, especially if they work together.)

- Accusing her of pushing for favorable "lesbislation."
(With her long, tapered, wet fingers, no doubt.)

- Connecting her in every possible way to the secret terrorist cabal known only as The Indigo Girls.
(There's no denying that she spent four years prostrate to the "higher mind," a known force of evil in the world, especially to neo-cons.)

- Doing that frat boy thing where they flick their tongues between two fingers held in a V position.
(It is a well-argued policy position.)

- Loudly worrying about what time it is and where her children are.
(It'll be the lead story on Fox every night.)

- Complaining that her pantsuits are not powerful enough to commit American troops to battle.
(Who would fight for a leader clad in mauve or coral?  Seriously.)

- Suggesting that she must have a secret penis.
(It's nothing a $600 million investigation can't uncover!)

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