Decafism
Cast:
Bert
Waitress
Setting: A lunch counter at a diner, except it's late, the place is closing down.
Bert: (catching waitress' eye) Waitress... Waitress? Hi, can I get a refill? (holds coffee cup out, waitress already has the pot in her hand, pulls it up)
Bert: (stopping her) Decaf?
Waitress: Yes!
B: Great!
W: (Goes to pour, thinks again) Umm... we're closing up. I don't really want to refill your cup...
B: What?
W: Look, you've been here for about five hours. This is your eighth? ninth? tenth? cup of decaf. We're closing down for the night.
B: I'd like a refill.
W: I know you do.
B: Is this because I'm black?
W: What? No.
B: I'm really getting tired...
W: You're whiter than skim milk!
B: Sure, bring that up...
W: What up?
B: Race issues.
W: You brought...
B: Why does my need for coffee need to be a question of my race everytime?
W: What? It's not! What...
B: You just accused me of being white!
W: You are!
B: Maybe so, but why does that disqualify me from a seventh cup of coffee?
W: It doesn't... look, you said you were black!
B: Maybe I said black, but I meant white and used black as an entry-point to discuss your vicious racist streak!
W: What! Listen, I don't know what you're trying to pull, man...
B: Nothing, I'm just another white man being denied his coffee refill.
W: We are closing!
B: A convenient cover for your racism.
W: No! It's a convenient cover for my wanting to kick you out.
B: So... you admit it?
W: I admit nothing!
B: You hate white people, and you conveniently use closing time as an excuse to deny them their coffee.
W: I don't hate white people!
B: Then... my coffee?
W: I hate white assholes!
B: How dare you!
W: Ohhh! I dare! I will continue to dare until...
B: My father was a white asshole!
W: I don't doubt it!
B: I refuse to be judged because of his behavior!
W: You're not being judged; you're being idiotic.
B: I am not the bearer of my father's sins!
W: Listen! Please, just leave... o.k. I've been here doing a double shift, I still have to clean the grill, close out the till, mop up and drive fifteen minutes to get home, I have two kids and no husband. My kids are small, I live in a bad neighborhood. I need you to leave!
B: Trying to get my sympathy... typical ploy to excuse your racism.
W: Listen man, I'm white, my kids are white, I don't hate white people. I hate people who are mean for no apparent reason. People who don't have the common decency to leave when the place is closing.
B: You have no right to deny me my coffee!
W: Actually, I do... see that sign? "Management reserves to right to deny service to anyone at anytime."
B: Why don't you just add "if they're white" up there!
W: (pause, pulls out her pen) O.K. I will (she goes to the sign, writes and speaks as she does so) If they... are... white ....and... an asshole.
B: Nice. Really know how to make a customer welcome.
W: I made you welcome five damn hours ago. You are no longer welcome here!
B: Typical.
W: (pleading) Why won't you leave? Do you have nowhere to go? Has everyone you know shunned you because of your assholery?
B: (quietly) Yes.
W: And now... (his "yes" sinks in) Oh... uhh... I didn't realize...
B: I am an ass. Just like my father. No one likes me. I alienate everyone.
W: Well, you haven't been easy to deal with here tonight.
B: I know.
W: If you know, then you can avoid it... right?
B: Maybe.
W: If you had just left a few minutes ago; I might not have been so upset with you.
B: Yeah, I know.
W: I mean, sitting at a diner for five hours is extreme, but not illegal. You were okay, you know, as a customer, until the whole bizarre race thing.
B: I don't know how to talk to people.
W: You're talking to me.
B: I always have to argue; it's the only way I know how to communicate.
W: Nonsense. You're being really nice right now.
B: Ahh... you're just feeling bad for me.
W: No! No... I never... well... o.k. I do feel sorta bad for you. You're right.
B: I know I am.
W: Well... you know you can come back tomorrow. We'll practice.
B: Practice?
W: Having normal, nice conversations.
B: Really?
W: Yeah, and we'll see how well you can learn to talk... to me... without arguing.
B: You'd do that for me?
W: Yes... sure... why... why not?
B: You'd be... like a... friend?
W: Yeah... I guess I would be. Sure.
B: (he starts breaking down, sniffling) I've never really had a friend.
W: Hey now...
B: Almost fifty years old, and I've never had a friend...
W: Well, I guess you have one now.
B: (crying) You know, never been able to make a friend... or... or... a girlfriend.
W: Ummm... just friends, for now... o.k.?
B: Yeah, yeah... friends... thank you... thank you so much...
W: You're very welcome.
B: Can I get my coffee refill now?
W: (stunned, not sure how to respond, long pause) Uhhh... no... I mean, I really...
B: Is this an age thing?
W: What? Please don't do this!
B: I see now, because you found out that I'm almost fifty, and you're younger than me...
W: Please! Stop!
B: This is just so typical!
W: No, we were going to be friends...
B: Just another older-American being denied his coffee refill!
W: Stop! (crying) Just stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!...
(lights out as waitress continues shouting "stop")
(end)
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