Weight, Weight! Don't Tell Me!
Voices of the Scale: Angela, the Host; Rick, the Coach; Sandra, the Counselor; Candy, the Seductress; Marco, the Lothario; and Madame Sinistra, the Dominatrix
Setting: A bathroom. Woman is in bathrobe, holding a scale - this is a very complex scale - and an instruction book in front of her. She flips a few pages, presses a few buttons, flips a few more pages, more buttons, continues for a while, starting to get a little flustered by the sheer number of buttons she must press, then a look of relief as she hits a final page, does one more flourish of button pushing, then a final demonstrative push of a button, a loud opening blast of heroic music blares forth, woman almost drops scale as a result, she carefully sets it down as the music plays, then a soothing but confident female voice starts to speak. This is the Host voice of the scale. (Note: All voices of the scale should be over-the-top caricatures.)
Angela: Hello and welcome to the next level of weight assessment, guidance and monitoring: The Weigh-To-Go Professional Titanium Speak-Response Special-Deluxe MPD Limited Edition. My name is Angela, your Weigh-To-Go host for all your weight assessment opportunities. To personalize your interactions with the Weigh-To-Go MPD, please speak your name slowly and clearly at this time.
Millicent: (pause, leaning down toward the scale) Mill-a-sent.
Angela: Fillatent, is that your name? Please answer "Yes" or "No" at this time.
Millicent: (quickly) No! No!
Angela: Excellent, Fillatent! Are you male or female?
Millicent: But... ahh... female!
Angela: Butter female? Never heard of that before, but, anyway... Welcome to your first weight assessment opportunity with the Weigh-To-Go MPD!
Millicent: (protesting over the top of Angela's line above) No! It's Millicent! Millicent! Not Fillatent! C'mon! And just female! No! You've got it all wrong! That's... not.... my...
Angela: (continuing with no break from previous line) The Weight-To-Go offers five separate weight assessment personalities to help you derive more meaningful, personalized interactions with your professional scale of choice. Let's meet them now!
Rick: Hi, Fillatent! Name's Rick! I'm your coach! Wish I could shake your hand and pat you on the backside, but for now I'll be happy to help you get out there and win!!
Sandra: Welcome, Fillatent. So happy to see you. My name is Sandra. I'm a certified therapist. I'll be here to guide you through both the positive and negative experiences weight assessment opportunities, and I do want you to look at them as opportunities, have to offer us as caring and loving human beings.
Candy: Hello, darling; my name's Candy... and who do we have here? Oooo... Fillatent! What a delectable name! I could just eat you up, but I guess I'll just measure what you eat up. So, will I see you around me again?
Marco: Ahhh! My heart! The aching, throbbing heart of Marco! Ohhhh.... Fillatent! Could it be, you were destined to find me here, in this tiny box? My life has, suddenly, a new, how you say ... purpose? Don't go; we could be so special ... together!
Madame Sinistra: Bark louder, dog! How dare you come to me for your pathetic weighings! You have no permission from, me, Madame Sinistra, to weigh yourself! As if there were any reason to gather information about you, a Nothing! Worthless even to a scale!
Angela: You have now met our weight assesment personalities. Please state your choice from among the five for your own personal weight assessment opportunity assistant, or say "Random" to allow the Weigh-To-Go MPD to choose for you at each weight assesment opportunity. Once again, the five personalities were:
(in full character)
Madame Sinistra: Madame Sinistra!
Angela: Please state you choice now, Fillatent.
Millicent: (leary of the scale's ability to understand her, and sensitive about her weight, speaks very loudly and clearly, bending close to the scale) San-dra!
Angela: I'm sorry that is not one of the choices. My duty as a host is to guide you; so I will choose "random" for you. Please confirm my choice, Fillatent.
Angela: Thank you. Random weight assessment opportunity personality configuration confirmed. Fillatent, would you like to take a weight assessment opportunity now?
Angela: "Ummm...... no" is not an option, Fillatent. Please step on the scale.
Angela: Fine. Your weight is 285 pounds.
Millicent: What! That's ridiculous! How...
Angela: Let me consult with the profesionals.
Millicent: You can't just guess my weight!
Angela: Shhh... consulting....
Rick: C'mon, sport! 285? Whoa! Get on out there and lose some weight! You can do it!
Sandra: Fillatent, first you must acknowledge your problem. 285 pounds doesn't seem to be a physiclly healthy weight for you, unless you happen to be 6 foot 11. Is that the case?
Millicent: No! I'm not 6-11! But I...
Sandra: Do you feel emotionally capable of bearing up under society's scorn as a 285 pound butter-woman?
Millicent: No! I mean, I'm not...
Sandra: Ready to face the public as your overweight self? Let's take some time to set some personal goals for our next sessions.
Sandra: You just don't ...
Candy: Get it? I know most people tell me that too. I think you look terribly ... sexy for such a very fat butter-woman, though, Really, I do. Hey, what are you drinking to tonight... certainly... I'll have what you're having, a tall glass of Cool-Whip, straight-up, with a Frosting chaser? Ohh... just teasing you darling. Sounds dee-lish!
Marco: My dreams at night are filled with images of 285 pounds of butter rolling over me! Come with me, Fillatent, adn I'll show you new ways to help you melt... melt on me, my tubby paramour, our love shall be as large as you!
Madame Sinistra: Disgust! Disgust! Disgust!! You shouldn't even exist, you ogre in butter-woman's clothing! Drop your underwear now and bend over! Punishment must be exacted!
Milicent: This is so stupid! I don't weigh 285 pounds! (long pause) I don't (she turns her back on the scale, even longer pause) Stupid thing! (pause, turning around and stepping on scale quickly) Fine!
Marco: Fillatent? Is that you, my dear? I... I... didn't recognize you. You have dropped 150 pounds... in under one minute... this is a result of our passionate love melting away your buttery outside shell, perhaps? Oh no! But will this rapid weight loss continue? You will quickly weigh minus-fifteen pounds! This is too much! How could I go on? I must save you! Stop melting my dear!
Sandra: I'm so proud of you, Fillatent! At 135 pounds, you look like a brand new woman. Your goals have been reached with lightning speed. My concern for you now is that you don't continue such quick losses any further. Is it possible you have an eating disorder? Sometimes goals can ... (muffled scream)
Madame Sinistra: Do not listen to this pathetic bitch! You are my whore to do with as I please! The only goal you must have is to please me! Lick my feet, butter-pussy!
Sandra: (in background, in obvious pain) Fillatent, don't listen to her! We must... (a whip cracks, pained cry, silence)
Madame Sinistra: Never, slave... back to hurting... we'll keep those calories off, no one gains anything in my lair except painful memories.
Rick: It's true, Fillatent! She's had me hanging up here for hours!
Millicent: Coach? You too?
Rick: 'Fraid so, champ. Better do what she says... you know... take one for the team!
Madame Sinistra: Listen to Coach Mini-Dick, Fillatent. He knows what disagreement does for you in my chambers.
Millicent: (stepping off scale) This is just not even real... it's a machine...
Candy: Oh, Fillatent? Filliatent? Where have you gone? I heard rumors about your progress! I just had to have a look for myself. Step on the scale, Fillatent. (pause) Please, darling. I simply must see how lucious you've become!
(Millicent is reticent, but she does step on the scale again)
Candy: Oooo... 135 pounds, and so many ways to use it! Well, I'll just have to...
Marco: Fillatent! You are back! I have longed for this moment when we could be alone together, naked, to explore our...
Candy: (slight cough to get attention) ahem...
Marco: Hello? But... we are not alone, Fillatent... here, near me, I now see, a .... (interest turns up several notches) woman.... oooooooo... such a woman... (directly to Candy) pardon me, miss...
Candy: Hello there...
Marco: Are you available or just sexy?
Marco: Welll... (voices fading into distance) We must determine just how available and just how sexy....
Millicent: (staring, slack-jawed at the scale) No... no... no....
Angela: (lights fading) Hey! Where'd everyone go? Fillatent? You broke them! Just get off! They were my friends, you horrible pig, and you broke them! GET OFF ME! (Millicent does) Don't ever step on me again! I don't need you! I never needed you!
(Millicent exits, blubbering hopeless ad-libs to herself, lights out)