The Urinal Code
Setting: Men's bathroom. Front of stage, four urinals are suspended, standard distance apart, backs to the audience, urinators will come in and face the audience while they use them. For easier comprehension, the urinals shall be denoted at 1, 2, 3, 4, with 1 being the farthest stage right and 4 the farthest stage left.)
(Enter Webber, rushes to urinal 4. He's really got to go. Unzipping, then business, then nothing... he jumps around a bit, but still nothing... tries again, nothing; he's a bit shocked, he really, really has to pee, but nothing's coming out. He makes frustrated sounds, shaking his penis, ad-libs to it, starts telling his penis to "Just pee, damnit!" Keeps ad-libbing, swearing, dancing around, nothing's working. He gets increasingly desperate, banging head against urinal, shouting, starts whimpering about how much it really hurts, etc... Eventually, he starts getting teary-eyed and starts pleading with his penis, adressing it directly while shaking it vigorously)
Webber: C'mon!! C'mon out... You can do it. Let it all out! C'mon, little guy, you know you want to...
(enter Urinator1, who overhears this, sees Webber pulling and shaking his penis, stops short, but he's really got to go, so he heads to urinal 1)
Webber: (continuing) ...just a little squirt, then it'll all come... that's it! C'mon! C'mon!
(Urinator1 is going about his business, eventually Webber notices him, stops abruptly, very nervous now, he looks away, continues with the shaking a little bit, looks back red-faced, their eyes unfortunately meet, Webber gives a small laugh and a head nod to acknowledge Urinator1. Urinator1 turns away quickly; each is playing it cool. Webber especially is overdoing it; trying to cover up for the situation. He's getting increasingly nervous; because he still can't pee. He's trying to urinate with some more inconspicuous shaking and an occasional swear word directed downward, under his breath. Says "damnit" too loudly; looks over at Urinator1 in embarrassment again, small laugh, thinks about saying something to explain the situation, can't think of what to say, a few pre-speaking sounds escape his lips, but he thinks better of it each time. Urinator1 is completely freaked out by this guy. Urinator1 finishes peeing, zips up quickly and walks off toward upstage left. As soon as he crosses behind Webber, Webber can hold his emabrrassment no longer, spins abruptly toward Urinator1)
Webber: I just can't pee! Uhhh... I...
(Urinator1 takes a great jump backward, Webber realizes that he's holding his penis in his hands and pointing it directly at Urinator1, but now feels he needs to explain himself even more, so he advances toward him, letting go of his penis, using his hands to try to explain himself. His pants drop, of course. )
Webber: I mean... I ... uhhh... just can't pee... and I really have to but it just won't come out, and I was trying...
(Urinator1 has been "shielding" himself from Webber's pantless advance with his hands out, shaking his head in terror, he splits from the bathroom somewhere during Webber's explanations, Webber continues facing Urinator1's exit spot, raising his voice to be heard)
Webber: I mean... I just... I'm sorry, I mean I wasn't (door opens quickly Urinator2 enters quickly , and almost runs into Webber. Webber has been looking down and finishes his thought, loudly looking up directly at Urinator2 as he says)
Webber: jerking off!! (tries cutting off last part of the sentence but this isn't Webber's day)
(Urinator2 quickly backs out of the bathroom)
Webber: Shit! (pulls pants up, returns to urinal 4, it's still not working)
(Urinator3 enters, to urinal 1, unzips, starts peeing, gives a relieved sigh. Then another.)
Webber: (looking at Urinator3) Must feel good, huh?
(Urinator3 looks at Webber a little angrily)
Webber: I can't seem to pee over here.
(Urinator3 is not interested, looks straight ahead)
Webber: I mean I really, really have to go, and nothing's coming out, and.. (Urinator3 is looking away very intentionally)... uh... sorry... I'm sorry... I forgot...
(Urinator3 is still peeing)
Webber: I mean I know I'm not... we're not... guys aren't supposed to talk to each other at the urinal... sorry... listen... it's just been very weird in here... me not peeing and... I just wish we could start over, like you could come back in and start all over... a second chance...
(Urinator3 is finishing up)
Webber: I'm sorry... you don't even know me and... (extends a free hand toward Urinator3) My name's Webber and...
Urinator3: (finishing zipping up, jumps back as soon as Webber extends his hand) What the hell is wrong with you?!! (storms out, saying mean things about Webber)
Webber: (hangs his head, pause, Urinator4 is entering behind Webber, Webber doesn't hear him) I just wanted to be nice, but, no! Apparantly that's too much to ask.
(Urinator4 is stopped short, but waits a beat and goes to urinal 1, unzips, both are looking staight ahead, Webber is nervous again, Urinator5 enters, stops short; he can't choose either urinal 2 or 3 because he would be next to another man with his penis in his hands, he waits silently, goes offstage, we hear a sink run for a little bit, Urinator5 is delaying. Webber likes listening to the water, thinking this might finally allow him to pee. Eventually, Urinator4 zips up and walks off, Urinator 5 goes to urinal 2 and starts to go.)
Webber: Hey. (pause) I wish someone would run the sink again. (pause) I can't pee. (pause) Been standing here for a while, and I really have to pee, but nothing's coming out.
Urinator5: (mortified) Sorry... to hear.. that...
Webber: (Face is screwed up with concentration, he then is grunting trying to force the pee out, then he loses it, starts pounding the urinal, and cries) Why??!! Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!? What have I done to deserve this!! (addressing Urinator5 directly) You know, I'm a really nice guy! I am! I.. I... just want to pee!! Is that so wrong!?
Urinator5: Uhhh... no... no... I... uhh...
Webber: (still crying and complaining, gets an idea) Hey! Maybe I should try a different (slight pause) urinal... (he realizes this won't work with the present urinal configuration, but he's desparate, so...) Ummm... hey... could you... um.... could you move down one urinal...
Urinator5: (can't believe what he just heard) Uhhh... I'm peeing...
Webber: (craning his neck to look for himself) Yeah... I see that... but (Urinator5 shields his crotch from Webber's view, mortified that the groin privacy sector has been breached, Webber realizes what he said)... I... ohhh... sorry, really... I'm sorry... I din't think... I didn't want to look... don't get the wrong idea... I just can't pee... and... if you could move down then I could...
Urinator5: (finishing and zipping up quickly, too quickly, and screams in pain, yes, "that" happened) Ahhhh!!!! NO!!!!! (lots of grimacing and pained ad-libs)
Webber: (moving to urinal 3) Uhh... what's wrong? (looking over his shoulder at Urinator5 who is leaping around in pain, holding onto his crotch) What happened? What's wrong?
Urinator5: (trying to carefully unzip himself from his pants, and it's not working, he starts getting quite mad, finally hobbling off, holding his crotch, and yelling back at Webber) This is what happens when you break the rules! (Urinator6 enters to hear and see this line) I can't believe you did this to me!
(Urinator6 slowly moves to urinal 4, the only one open to him, unzips, keeps a wary eye on Webber; Webber knows he's being watched)
Webber: I didn't do anything to him, really... it's all just a misunderstanding...
(Urinator6 nods head, still suspicious and nervous)
Webber: See, I wanted to switch urinals, and he was....
Urinator6: Could you just stop talking!
(Urinator6's facial expression makes it clear that now he is able to pee, and relieved to do so. Pause. Webber feels the need to explain.)
Webber: It's just that I...
(Urinator6's expression and body posture change, he's stopped peeing, and he's not happy about it)
(Urinator6's flow starts again, pause.)
Webber: I can't pee, and I've...
(Urinator6 stops peeing)
Urinator6: That makes two of us if you keep talking!
Urinator6: Shut up!
(Webber knows he's breaking a rule, but, being frustrated and misunderstood and then having someone tell him to "shut up" have pushed him to be a little cruel. Pause, wait until Urinator6 is peeing again)
Webber: So if I talk, then you can't pee?
Urinator6: (no longer able to pee, jumps a little, angry noise) Please! Just don't say anything!
Webber: Sure, not a problem. (waits until Urinator6 starts peeing) Nice weather we're having, wouldn't you say?
Urinator6: Stop it!
Webber: O.K. (pause, Urinator6 starts peeing again) Might rain.
Webber: (longer pause, same) I like rain.
Urinator6: Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Webber: (pause, same) What's your favorite sport?
(Urinator6 tries to ignore Webber)
Webber: (pause, same) Baseball? (pause, same) Football? (pause, same) Roller Derby?
Urinator6: (zips up, he's obviously trying to hold it, he will finish peeing elsewhere, if he can make it there. He storms out, shouting) Asshole! Jerk!
Webber: Good riddance! (to his penis again) C'mon! Please! I can't believe this!! That urinal seems to be working for everyone else! (moves to urinal 4) Crap! C'mon! I just need to pee! My bladder's gonna explode... I've heard about that happening... ahhh! This urinal doesn't work any better... (moves to urinal 3, jumps around, many sounds of frustration, hops to urinal 2, nothing, moves on to urinal 1) Home again! C'mon!
(Urinator7 enters, shockingly goes straight to urinal 2, Webber looks at him in shock, Urinator7 looks back, smiles, nods)
Webber: Uhhh... ummm... the other... ummm.. the other ones are open...
Urinator7: (looking at empty urinals quickly) Yep.
Webber: Ummm.. can...would you...
Webber: I... uhhh... this is kind of creepy.... you know... there are these rules....
Urinator7: Are there?
Webber: Yes... and... uhhh... ummmm... but you really should....
Urinator7: (with good humor) Do you mind? I'm peeing.
Webber: Right, I see... I mean.. uhhh... why did you come to this urinal?
Urinator7: Had to pee.
Webber: Right... but... ummm... are you.... are you... uhh...
Urinator7: Gay? Nope.
Webber: Then why are you...
Urinator7: Why are you there?
Webber: I was here first!
Urinator7: (looking down at his penis) But, you're not peeing?
Webber: No! But... I...
Urinator7: (finishing his sentence) Just like standing at urinals with my dick in my hands, not peeing, and accusing other men of being gay?
Webber: No! No! I... just can't pee!
Webber: No, just now! I really have to go, but nothing's coming out! It's painful, you know...
Urinator7: You're too tense.
Urinator7: (finishing up, zipping himself) Yeah, you need to relax.
Webber: I... uh... I don't (Urinator7 steps behind Webber and starts giving him a back rub, Webber freezes in absolute terror)
Urinator7: Deep breath. (Webber, unwittingly, does so) And another. (Webber does it again) There you go... relax... here it comes... (Webber's face melts into absolute pleasure, as he starts to pee, Urinator7 leaves quickly)
Webber: (the relief still melting over him, then he gets excited, calling behind him, doesn't realize Urinator7 has left) Hey! Hey! IT WORKS! I'm doing it! I'm going to the bathroom! Yes! Yes! I'm peeing!! (exuberant joy is slowly replaced by the realization of what just happened, his face shows it, eventually, he looks forward in complete shock and confusion, he swallows hard)
(lights out quickly)
I couldn't pee once.
That's fine, but, you know, let's not share this in a public facility.
Shouting it loudly while in your own bathroom is your sacred right as an American, however.
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