Setting: Outside, anywhere.
(Enter running Nick, Jess and Clyde from three different entrance points, converge in the middle, big hug, they are beyond ecstatic. They talk overlapping each other a lot, lots of joyous exultations ad-libbed in the mix.)
Jess: It has been revealed!
Clyde: We will be taken up!
Nick: As we believed, so it shall be!
Clyde: Jesus comes again!
Jess: The Rapture! The Rapture! The Rapture!
Nick: The Rapture!
Clyde: And we are here to experience it!
Nick: The joy of joys!
Jess: We will sit forever in perfect peace!
Clyde: The life eternal!
(Morty walks on, reading a book)
Jess: (sotto voce) Cheese it, guys, it's Morty.
Clyde: And deny the Name?
Jess: (whispering, defending himself) No... I just don't want to rub it in... he's probably heard the news... look, I'm sure he doesn't want to be reminded that he's going to rot forever on a damned world.
Nick: Yeah, Clyde... let's just play it easy for a little bit... I mean, we've been saved; not turned into jerks.
Clyde: Alright... sure...
Morty: (looking up from his book) Oh! Hey, guys, what's up?
Nick: Hey, Morty. (pause) I... suppose you heard?
Clyde: Certainly you have! It's everywhere!
Morty: What? What is?
Jess: Well... uh... this morning, all earthly communication devices stopped working, computers, televison, radios, phones, everything... and the clouds parted... and God announced the Second Coming of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Morty: Really! Wow! That's what that weird voice was?
Clyde: Weird voice? It was God!
Morty: Oh... cool! I heard it, but I was in the shower.
Nick: Oh. Well, I suppose you know what this means?
Morty: Uhhh... no. What?
Jess: Well... those among us who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior will ascend into Heaven to spend eternity in the grace and peace and comfort of the Lord, our God.
Morty: Wow! Seriously?! That's awesome! Can I come?
Clyde: No! No! You can't!
Nick: What Clyde is saying, rather rudely I might add, is that, if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your savior, then you will ascend to Heaven.
Morty: Uhh.. that's it?
Nick: Ummm... yes. I guess, that's... that's it.
Morty: Cool! (pause, he squeezes his eyes shut, then opens them) O.K.! Done!
Morty: I just accepted Jesus as my personal savior.
Clyde: You can't do that!
Morty: Oh? Uhh.. why not?
Clyde: 'Cause you're Jewish!
Morty: Yeah? And?
Nick: Well, you have to be Christian, Morty. You know...
Nick: Yeah... you know, "Christ" - "Christian"...
Jess: We could try to get you to our church quickly to get you baptised, but I ran by there a few minutes ago, and there were hundreds of people in line, waiting.
Morty: So, you guys will all be gone then?
Nick: Well.. yeah... us and all proper Christians.
Morty: Wow, that's a lot of people.
Nick: Yes, maybe as many as a billion.
Morty: Hey! Jess! Can I have your stuff... like your car and computer and what-not?
Morty: Well, you don't bring that with you; do you?
Jess: No, no... of course ...
Morty: So, can I have it?
Morty: Actually, can I just move into your apartment... you got that nice deck and everything...
Jess: Actually, Morty... the world as we know it will be destroyed.
Clyde: It will be like Hell! Everything burning, in permanent pain, all the non-believers like you!
Morty: Yikes! Are you guys kidding me?
Jess: No... Morty... I'm sorry.
Nick: We chose correctly. You have a... false religion.
Morty: But, I don't even believe in most of the Jewish stuff anyway.
Clyde: Too bad! God hates Jews! And now you'll see what happens!
Morty: Ouch... what will happen?
Nick: Well, God was pretty clear about that this morning. He said: "Of all the unquestioning believers shall be delivered unto me this day in the Kingdom of Heaven, or left behind."
Morty: Geez... This sucks.
Jess: I'm sorry, Morty... we can't really do anything about it.
(Loud thunderclap, choir of angels, overhead lights swell to great intensity, Nick, Jess and Clyde collapse onto the ground, writhing around, screaming, pained ad-libs, holding onto their butts)
Morty: Holy crap! What's wrong, guys?!
Nick: My ass! My ass!
(Loud thunderclap again, lights way up, then a booming voice speaks)
Voice: Of all the unquestioning believers shall be delivered unto me tomorrow in the Kingdom of Heaven, your right behind. This will even things out for you, and leave you all just assholes. I find this appropriate.
(Agonized moans from the three on the ground; they're in pain, and they've been wrong this whole time.)
(Lights slowly fade until it's one overhead spot that Morty wanders into, looking straight up, in true awe)
Morty: Wow! That's so neat; huh, guys? God speaks English!
No more log fire s'mores for those bible camp brats!
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