July 18, 2006

A Play A Day #96

The Ironic Life


Setting: A couch and chair. Garbage and clothing etc... strewn about. Andy, semi-reclined on couch, is a horrible slob. Gibb enters, sits on chair.

Andy: Hey, Gibb.

Gibb: Are we going, Andy?

A: Yeah, yeah, we got a few minutes yet; I hate getting there early anyway.

G: True enough.

A: Stupid previews. Buncha idiot movies no one with half a brain should ever see.

G: But we're going to see one of those films right now?

A: Yeah, but we're going to watch it ironically.

G: Right, yeah, I thought maybe it was just that we were going because it's the only movie you liked playing tonight.

A: Yeah, but I only like it with an ironic appreciation of how bad it is.

G: We gonna grab something to eat later... after the show?

A: Yeah, yeah, let's go to Piper's.

G: The bar?

A: Piper's, yep.

G: They even serve food?

A: Sure. Nachos and cheese curds and buffalo wings.

G: Didn't they almost get shut down by the health department?

A: Actually they did get shut down. They can't serve food, but they still do.

G: And you want to eat there?!

A: Yeah, if you talk to the right people, they'll still feed you.

G: Man, that's totally dangerous.

A: It's o.k.; I eat there ironically.

G: I thought you ate there because you're kinda tubby and you eat unhealthy food all the time.

A: Negative, my friend. It's irony that draws me to their horrible nachos and fried grease clumps.

G: Well, at least they have alcohol.

A: Yeah, it's awesome, they have Schlitz on tap!

G: That stuff is crap.

A: Doesn't matter. You just drink it ironically! I love it!

G: Yeah, because you're an alcoholic.

A: No, I can't be an alcoholic because I drink with a an ironic appreciation of the sadness of a life spent drinking.

G: But, you are spending your life drinking!

A: Ironically so. I'm removed from the process of drinking because I'm aware how tragic drinking excessively really is.

G: You know, Andy, you look pretty awful. You're overweight, live in your parent's basement...

A: I'm in the basement only for the sense of irony.

G: ... smells like you haven't showered in a while...

A: Well, I do shower, but only in an ironic and perfunctory manner. So, no soap or washing.

G: ... you're drinking heavily, and you smoke like a campfire...

A: True, but only generic, unfiltered menthols.

G: Because, you don't have enough money to buy name-brand cigs.

A: Nahhh, because of irony...

G: You have no job, and you don't seem like you want one.

A: I work ironically.

G: Meaning not at all?

A: That's part of it.

G: You sleep from 4 a.m to 4 p.m. most days, and nap in the middle of the evening.

A: Yeah, it's great. Not many people can sleep ironically, but I've managed to pull it off!

G: Sleep ironically?

A: Yeah, not easy.

G: I mean you're so out of it, all you do is sit here in your underwear and watch bad T.V...

A: Ironic T.V.!

G: ... and eat crap, smoke, drink, sleep, and...

A: I even have learned to breathe ironically... watch...

G: No!

A: Alright, man, just because you're not educated enough to appreciate my ironic approach to life.

G: Educated? I've got a frickin' Master's Degree; you dropped out of school after ninth grade!

A: No, no... I just started educating myself ironically, man!

G: Whatever, Andy! (pause, collects himself) Alright... let's just get going.

A: Yeah, one minute, let me find some clothes around here.

G: O.K...

A: (digging around, putting on dirty pants from the floor, they look horrible with the filthy shirt he's wearing) You know, Gibby, if I'm such a horrible person, why do you still hang out with me?

G: Irony.

A: Perfect. Now you're gettin' it! Let's go.

G: Yeah.

(lights fade as they begin to exit)

A: (feeling his pants pokets) Oh, hey, I'm a little strapped for cash, can you...

G: Yes, as always...

A: Cool.

(exit, lights all the way down)


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