The Ironic Life
Cast:
Andy
Gibb
Setting: A couch and chair. Garbage and clothing etc... strewn about. Andy, semi-reclined on couch, is a horrible slob. Gibb enters, sits on chair.
Andy: Hey, Gibb.
Gibb: Are we going, Andy?
A: Yeah, yeah, we got a few minutes yet; I hate getting there early anyway.
G: True enough.
A: Stupid previews. Buncha idiot movies no one with half a brain should ever see.
G: But we're going to see one of those films right now?
A: Yeah, but we're going to watch it ironically.
G: Right, yeah, I thought maybe it was just that we were going because it's the only movie you liked playing tonight.
A: Yeah, but I only like it with an ironic appreciation of how bad it is.
G: We gonna grab something to eat later... after the show?
A: Yeah, yeah, let's go to Piper's.
G: The bar?
A: Piper's, yep.
G: They even serve food?
A: Sure. Nachos and cheese curds and buffalo wings.
G: Didn't they almost get shut down by the health department?
A: Actually they did get shut down. They can't serve food, but they still do.
G: And you want to eat there?!
A: Yeah, if you talk to the right people, they'll still feed you.
G: Man, that's totally dangerous.
A: It's o.k.; I eat there ironically.
G: I thought you ate there because you're kinda tubby and you eat unhealthy food all the time.
A: Negative, my friend. It's irony that draws me to their horrible nachos and fried grease clumps.
G: Well, at least they have alcohol.
A: Yeah, it's awesome, they have Schlitz on tap!
G: That stuff is crap.
A: Doesn't matter. You just drink it ironically! I love it!
G: Yeah, because you're an alcoholic.
A: No, I can't be an alcoholic because I drink with a an ironic appreciation of the sadness of a life spent drinking.
G: But, you are spending your life drinking!
A: Ironically so. I'm removed from the process of drinking because I'm aware how tragic drinking excessively really is.
G: You know, Andy, you look pretty awful. You're overweight, live in your parent's basement...
A: I'm in the basement only for the sense of irony.
G: ... smells like you haven't showered in a while...
A: Well, I do shower, but only in an ironic and perfunctory manner. So, no soap or washing.
G: ... you're drinking heavily, and you smoke like a campfire...
A: True, but only generic, unfiltered menthols.
G: Because, you don't have enough money to buy name-brand cigs.
A: Nahhh, because of irony...
G: You have no job, and you don't seem like you want one.
A: I work ironically.
G: Meaning not at all?
A: That's part of it.
G: You sleep from 4 a.m to 4 p.m. most days, and nap in the middle of the evening.
A: Yeah, it's great. Not many people can sleep ironically, but I've managed to pull it off!
G: Sleep ironically?
A: Yeah, not easy.
G: I mean you're so out of it, all you do is sit here in your underwear and watch bad T.V...
A: Ironic T.V.!
G: ... and eat crap, smoke, drink, sleep, and...
A: I even have learned to breathe ironically... watch...
G: No!
A: Alright, man, just because you're not educated enough to appreciate my ironic approach to life.
G: Educated? I've got a frickin' Master's Degree; you dropped out of school after ninth grade!
A: No, no... I just started educating myself ironically, man!
G: Whatever, Andy! (pause, collects himself) Alright... let's just get going.
A: Yeah, one minute, let me find some clothes around here.
G: O.K...
A: (digging around, putting on dirty pants from the floor, they look horrible with the filthy shirt he's wearing) You know, Gibby, if I'm such a horrible person, why do you still hang out with me?
G: Irony.
A: Perfect. Now you're gettin' it! Let's go.
G: Yeah.
(lights fade as they begin to exit)
A: (feeling his pants pokets) Oh, hey, I'm a little strapped for cash, can you...
G: Yes, as always...
A: Cool.
(exit, lights all the way down)
(end)
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