Vegetables
[Note: This is not the same play as #91 "Meat". They share the exact same set-up, but have very different denouments. Please read #91 before reading this one. I think it works better that way.]
Cast:
Al
Mitch
Nolan
Setting: Camping site. Al and Mitch are setting up a small camping stove.
Al: There... that should do it.
Mitch: Set up?
A: Yep, so where's this guy?
M: Should be here soon... directions were good.
A: Yeah... construction's done... it's only, what? an hour?
M: 'S all it took me.
A: It's a great site, Mitch.
M: Yeah, discovered it a couple years ago...
A: Only an hour from the city, but it's like no one's ever been here.
M: But you can still drive right to the site.
A: Pretty nice spot.
M: Should be here any time.
A: Hope so, he's bringing the meat, right?
M: Yep. He's never been camping, he said.
A: Fishing though?
M: Said only once; he was real little.
A: Not an outdoors guy, huh?
M: Nope. Suburbs. Born and raised.
A: Too bad.
M: Think he's just a different sort of guy.
A: Yeah...
M: He's nice; new at work.
A: Been beggin' you to go fishing, huh?
M: Said he wanted to see the woods.
A: See'm?
M: Yep.
A: He's never seen 'em?
M: Well, I think he has...
A: Probably had to pay to see trees.
M: ...Nahhh, but I doubt he's ever been someplace like this.
A: Real woods.
M: Yep, more real than anything he's seen. (sound of car pulling up nearby, car doors opening and shutting)
A: Must be him.
M: Guess so. (pause, sounds off-stage of someone struggling with gear, A and M business with other gear they have)
Nolan: (off-stage, loud whisper as if scared) Mitch!!? (pause, A & M shake heads, raise eyebrows at each other) Mitch?!!
(pause again, A & M are laughing a bit now, decide to let it play a bit longer) Mitch!!?
M: (loud voice) Over here!
N: (whisper again) Where?!
M: This way! This way!
N: (fainter, farther off-stage) Here?!
M: Turn around!!
N: Which way?!!
M: This way!
N: (backing onto stage, ridiculously overburdened with brand new, very fancy gear, some with price tags still on, still stage whispers) I'm... ahhh... still not sure where you are....Mitch?!
M: Hi, Nolan.
N: (jumping around) Ohh! Hey!
M: Why are you whispering?
N: (whispering) I don't know.
M: It's the woods, Nolan, not a funeral parlor.
N: (whispering) Oh, o.k. (catching self, regular voice) I mean, right. Got it.
M: Nolan... Al; Al, this is Nolan.
A: Hey there.
N: Al?
A: That's me.
M: Help ya off with your stuff there, Nolan?
N: Yeah! Great!
M: (starts helping Nolan) That's a load of gear, Nolan.
A: Only here for three days, you know?
N: Yeah, I know. I went to that new outdoor gear superstore and told'em I'd be camping this weekend, and I was amazed at the stuff you need!
M: Sure. Sure. (pulling a small chainsaw, large cooking wok, collapsible ladder, extension cord, more bewildered with each) Yeah, Nolan, looks like you got it... all covered.
N: I hope so; it cost enough!
A: I'll bet.
M: We're getting pretty hungry; did you bring the meat?
N: Oh! Yeah, yeah! It's in the car. Sure was stinking up the car! I'll go get it! (exits)
M: Well, they took him for a ride.
A: Yeah, never walk into one of those places and ask for help.
M: Nope, jeez, he's got a half-dozen different flashlights.
A: Was that two separate tents I saw?
M: Believe so.
A: What's that about?
M: Probably has one for laundry.
A: Or a portable sauna.
M: Unbelievable.
N: (off stage) C'mon girl! C'mon!
A: (confused look to Mitch) Girl?
N: (enters leading a full-grown cow, or an actor portraying a cow, or whatever you've got to portray a cow on stage) 'Atta girl! There you go! Here we go boys! (stands proudly)
M: (launching self upward, gets into a very protective pose) Ahhhh! Killer! Killer!
A: (who reacted the same way as Mitch) Nolan!!
N: Hey guys, what's wrong?
M: You!! That!
A: Get it out of here, Nolan!
M: You were just supposed to bring a couple steaks, damnit!!
N: I thought you guys would be pretty big eaters; so I stopped off at a farm and bought a cow!
A: What the hell were you thinking!?
N: That's what the farmer said: "What are you thinking?" But we pushed hard enough, and we managed to get Flora into the backseat of my Volkswagen.
M: Great, Nolan! But we don't care about that! Listen, you have to get the cow outta here!
A: Or kill it!
N: Well, I brought some butchering tools in the car. I'll go get 'em.
M: NO!! NO! Don't leave!!
A: Stay here, Nolan!
N: I'll be right back. I just have to get the tools out of the old Beetle. (exits)
(long puase, cow sniffs air, starts closing in on Al and Mitch, starting a pas de deux of circling and lunging and general pursuit and evasion)
A: Doesn't he know?!!
M: I guess I never told him.
A: He's your work buddy! You invite him up here, and forget to tell him something as important as that?!
M; Listen, I don't go around obsessing about my identity like you do, alright?!
A: But, this would have been avoided if you'd just told him that we're both Carrot-Americans!
M: Sorry, man! I forgot, alright?! So kill me!
(Flora, getting very hungry, takes advantage of their distracted arguing and becomes more aggressive, she sucessfully bites into Mitch's shoulder, Al tries attacking Flora, but she's too big to have much effect, Mitch screams horrifically, Flora knocks him to the ground and starts chomping away. Al starts backing away as lights fade out.)
(end)
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