July 4, 2006

A Play A Day #82

The Penis Improvement Plan

Studio Audience

Setting: A live TV infomercial with audience. Five chairs on stage in an open-air set. Actors are trying to give it that live "Wow!" feel, but the infomercial is completely scripted. Lights up and upbeat, horn-heavy, personal empowerment music rises, then down as Mary comes onstage to thunderous applause. The audience is paid, of course. They applaud, encourage, gasp and laugh only when cued by electric signs. It's important that this play not be sexual on the stage. They are selling a product, and they are serious about it.

Mary: Hi, I'm Mary Coxoff! Welcome to "Penis Improvement Plan"! Join us today, won't you, as we talk to men from across America who share with us their heartwarming, personal stories of overcoming genital adversity! Let's welcome our first guest... from Pensacola, Florida... Bob!

(crowd applause, Bob enters. Hugs Mary. He sits next to Mary. He has a noticeable bulge in his crotch. )

Mary: Hi, Bob!

Bob: (big smiles, he's a very nice guy) Hi, Mary! Thanks for having me on your show!

Mary: Well, thank you for coming on our show, Bob!

Bob: My pleasure, my pleasure...

Mary: Now, Bob... I have to be honest... I'm looking at you, and I'm thinking: "This man needs no help with his penis!"

(audience applause / laughter)

Bob: Thanks for noticing, Mary!

Mary: Well, Bob, it's hard not to!

(audience laughter)

Bob: Good one, Mary! But guess what? It's not even hard at all!

(shocked reaction from audience)

Mary: Now, Bob... I've seen a lot of penises in my day, and I want to say to all our home viewers that that (pointing at Bob's crotch) is an erect dick!

(audience applause)

Bob: I understand your confusion, Mary! But, I can assure you: I'm completely flaccid!

(more shocked reaction)

Mary: Can I check? I mean I think we need some proof, or people are going to think we're giving them a real cock and bull story!

(laughter / applause)

Bob: Oh sure! Go ahead and grab hold!

(Mary does so)

Mary: I think this is a two-hand job!

(Mary grabs onto Bob's crotch with both hands, audience applause, laughter and appreciative sounds, Mary continues feeling Bob's penis)

Bob: (with good humor) All hands on dick, hey, Mary?

(uproarious laughter from audience and Mary, who releases Bob with both hands)

Mary: Oh, Bob, you are so funny and upbeat!

Bob: Yes, I am... now...

Mary: But it didn't always used to be that way, did it, Bob?

Bob: (becoming very downcast) No... no, it didn't, Mary...

Mary: (putting hand on Bob's shoulder, pulling tissues near) Tell us about that.

Bob: Well, like most men, I was completely dissatisfied with the size of my penis, whether soft or hard. When I was a little kid watching pornos at my friend's house, I remember thinking "Gosh, one day my penis will be that big!" I couldn't wait to grow up so my penis would get huge!

Mary: Sure, it's the American dream.


Bob: Well, I got older and older, and then one day, in college, I was masturbating and I remember thinking: "I've stopped growing now. This is as big as my penis is going to get."
(He begins to cry a bit)

Mary: (very sympathetically) How incredibly small was your dick then, Bob?

Bob: (in quavering voice) Well, Mary... it was.... average...

(gasp from audience)

Mary: Erect or flaccid?

Bob: Average... when erect.... about six inches....

Mary: What about when flaccid, Bob?

Bob: I... I don't want to say...

Mary: (caring, encouraging, she puts one of her hands on his hands) I think it will help you, Bob.
Bob? Hey now, you look at me, Bob! (Bob slowly lifts his head, tears in his eyes) That's it. We care, Bob. We (indicates audience) care about you; we care about your penis. (Mary's free hand goes back to Bob's groin, addressing audience directly) Don't we, people? (audience gives Bob encouragement with ad-libs)

Bob: It was... slightly... below average! (loud sobbing)

(loud audience gasps, ad-libbing)

Mary: (hugging Bob where he sits in his chair) There, there! You said it now... it's done... it's done now... we care, Bob... we want to see you happy... you're among friends here... yes... (breaks off hug, hands move from her heart to his penis on this next line) Truly, Bob, from our hearts to yours...

Bob: Thank you... thank you so much... (she removes her hands)

Mary: What did you do when you faced up to the fact that you might have such a freakishly small penis for the rest of your life?

Bob: Well, I cried.

Mary: Of course.

Bob: A lot!

Mary: Of course you did, Bob! And you should have cried! Here's an average American man whose childhood dreams of tremendously engorged genitalia were cut short by malicious, scheming genetic programming!

Bob: Yes, that's it! That's it!

Mary: It wasn't your fault. It's your genes, Bob; your pathetic, laughably underendowed genes!

Bob: Yes... yes...

Mary: You must have felt so lost and alone in this cruel land where people so unfairly measure your worth by the size of your tiny penis.

Bob: Yes, I did. I felt lost.

Mary: What did you do about your situation, Bob?

Bob: Well, I masturbated... a lot... for about three weeks straight, at first.

Mary: Why Bob?

Bob: I thought I could pull it longer every time I jerked off.

Mary: But that didn't work, did it, Bob?

Bob: No... so I turned to pornography.

Mary: A natural thing, Bob. So many of us turn to porn in our times of need, don't we?

(positive ad-libs from audience)

Bob: I scoured the back pages of those magazines looking for a cure; if I found one that looked like it might work, I'd send out for it right away.

Mary: What did you try?

Bob: Just about everything! Ummm... penis weights to develop penis muscle, penis stretchers, electric, gas-powered and one even ran on solar power, they all promised great things, but all I got was a third degree sunburn on my penis. That hurt a lot.

Mary: I'll bet. Anything else?

Bob: Anything? Try everything! Lotions, essential oils, chiropractic care, magical charm rings, amulets, eating diets of only long, hard foods, vacuum pumps, inversion boots, swallowing helium, swallowing argon, centrifuges, reshaping molds, copper underwear, no underwear, funhouse mirrors, strategic shaving, sex with very large women, sex with very large men, no sex for extended periods of time, penis patches, penis juices, eating the penises of larger animals, penis pills, penis potions, penis pistons, penis springs, penis support groups, penis grief therapy, penis this-that-and-the-other! They all said the same things: "Are you tired of feeling like less than a man, tired of your small penis, want to grow three inches in a week, worried that you can't satisfy your woman, then try this..." It was maddening!

Mary: It's so cruel how those companies prey on a man's insecurity to peddle their fraudulent products!

Bob: Exactly, I was beginning to feel cheated.

Mary: But that all changed one day, didn't it, Bob?

Bob: It sure did! I got an e-mail from Saber Rattler, Inc.

Mary: No more dirty magazine advertisements! Finally, a penis enlargement company you can trust because of it's personalized, electronic contact with you!

Bob: Right! It was wonderful!

(audience applause)

Mary: What did that e-mail say to you, Bob?

Bob: It said: "Are you tired of being less than a man? How would you like to increase your penis by three inches in a week? Satisfy your woman better than ever! Never suffer from such a disgusting, shriveled, itty-bitty penis like yours ever again!" I remember it so clearly! It was just so fresh and new, and it was an e-mail!

(audience applause)

Mary: And that's why were today, folks! To introduce to you Saber Rattler, Incorporated's newest life-changing miracle! We here at Saber Rattler believe in keeping our products simple; so our scientists and engineers have designed the first four-phase Penis Improvement Plan on the market!

Bob: And it works!


Mary: We sell it as a whole package, no special add-ons or other gimmicks. It all comes in one box, just two ninety-nine ninety-five for all four phases of the Penis Improvement Plan; and if you act now, we'll throw in three free vouchers for any Saber Rattler Brothel across America, (said quickly and sotto voce) void everywhere but Nevada, so you can try out your new, improved equipment on some true professionals, or maybe just one true professional three times!

(wild applause)

Bob: I sure did enjoy that part of the deal! Just last night!

Mary: I'm sure they did too!

(laughter and hooting and applause)

Bob: Seemed like it.

(more laughter)

Mary: Now, you found that you only needed the first phase of the Penis Improvement Plan to get the results you wanted... tell us about that, Bob.

Bob: Well, it's so simple, it sounds stupid to say it now... but, Phase One of the Penis Improvement Plan is simply positive thinking!

Mary: That's right! Developed at Saber Rattler Labs by professional and amateur psychiatrists, Phase One guides you through mental imagery exercises and a series of penis-positive thematic meditations to reprogram your mind into thinking well-hung!

Bob: It was so easy, Mary, within a week, my penis had grown three inches! By the time I had been through the exercises twice, I decided to stop. I'd had enough!

Mary: And now the world can't get enough of you, I understand!

Bob: Well, if you're referring to my recent cameo roles on a number of top-drawer porno projects, then you're right!


Mary: That's what I am referring to!

Bob: Yep! I was third penis on the left in the final gang-bang scene in "Bust Stop", and you can see my penis coming next week in "Horsemeat #31"!

Mary: I thought your performance in "Bust Stop" was breath-taking!

(wild applause)

Bob: Thank you!

Mary: Now you stopped with Phase One of the Penis Improvement Plan; you mentioned that you'd had enough. So, how big did your penis end up, Bob?

Bob: Mary, it's thirteen inches when hard, and nine when soft!

(wild applause)

Mary: (patting his penis again) My goodness! I bet you're glad to finally feel like a real man! No more shame about having such a sub par member!

Bob: You got it, Mary!


Mary: Well, Bob, stopped at Phase One, but the Penis Improvement Plan comes complete with four phases. Next, welcome to our stage, John!

(enter John to wild applause, he has a huge bulge in his groin, snaking down one leg, he walks a little stiffly)

Mary: Hi, John!

John: (big hug, kiss on cheek) Hi, Mary!

Mary: Now, John, you also had a tragically small penis like Bob, right?

John: Yes, I'm afraid our stories are much the same.

Mary: You also had great success with Phase One of the Penis Improvement Plan; what compelled you to continue?

John: Well, I jumped into Phase Two, because I felt a fifteen-inch erection just wasn't distinctive enough as a walking-around sort-of penis...

Mary: Sure, that's understandable.

John: I think, intuitively, I also understood that bigger is always better.

Mary: Wow! Very perceptive observation!

(applause from audience)

John: So I went into Phase Two with some big expectations.

Mary: Looks like you weren't disappointed!


John: Not at all, with Phase Two's emphasis on exercise and healthy eating, I was able to quickly push my penis past the two foot mark!

Mary: When hard, right? Like now?

John: What do you mean?

Mary: I mean when you're erect, like you are now.

John: But I'm not erect, Mary!


Mary: Well, you'll just have to let me prove this to the audience!


John: Go right ahead!

(Mary grabs his penis with both hands, rubbing up and down his leg)

Mary: Oh my God! You're over two feet when soft?

John: And nearly thirty-six inches when I'm not, Mary!

(impressed ad-libs from audience)

Mary: And this is from using Phase One, then Phase Two of Saber Rattler's Penis Improvement Plan.

John: The Positive Penis Talk and Imagery were foundations for the success I had advancing on to Phase Two.

Mary: Tell us about that phase, John.

John: Well, Phase Two of the Penis Improvement Plan involves getting proper exercise and eating right.

Mary: That hardly sounds revolutionary, John; I mean aren't there plenty of guys out there who stay in shape and eat healthy but still have penises that double as sight gags?

John: Sure, but Phase Two of Saber Rattler's Penis Improvement Plan involve proper exercise and feeding of the penis itself!

(surprise and applause)

Mary: What do you mean?

John: Well, you start out with penis pop-ups, move on to the convenient penis treadmill, penis aerobics, and, as you advance, move on to assisted, then finally unassisted penis push-ups and pull-ups. As you build strength and length, you can move on to the penis free-weight system, curls, reps, clean and jerk.

Mary: Astounding! And this is all provided in the Penis Improvement Plan?

John: Yes, Mary; it's all in the box! The treadmill, aerobic steppers, weights, truss belts, everything's included!

(wild applause)

Mary: You mentioned feeding?

John: Yes!

Mary: Of the penis?

John: You got it! A steady diet of protein shakes and powders, delivered intravenuously at first - and, because I know you're going to ask, Mary - IV bags and stands forr your penis are included! Eventually, the penis gets so powerful that it eats directly. You just cut up carrots, vegetables, raw pork, whatever, the penis eats them right up!

Mary: Wait! Wait! Wait! The penis "eats" them?

John: Through the urethra!

(astounded gasps and adlibs)

Mary: How?

John: It turns out a penis of that size develops its own alimentary canal, and burrows a subcutaneous tunnel connecting itself directly with your rectum for waste disposal!

Mary: A-Maze-Ing!

(crazy applause)

John: As a side benefit, as the penis develops its stomach, intestines, etc..., it grows that much larger to accomodate this organ's new organs.

Mary: So you get size and functionality?!

John: That's it, Mary!

(more applause)

Mary: Thank you, John, now that we've heard both Bob and John's stories; we can move on to our next guest, who took the Penis Improvement Plan to Phase Three. Please join me in welcoming to our stage, Tom!

(enter Tom, he has a large column shape growing from his groin, standing at least four or five feet over his head, it is shrouded in a blanket, Tom is hardly visible behind it as he clumsily sits in a chair next to Bob and John, astounded applause and adlibs from audience)

Tom: (shaking Mary's hand) Hi, Mary!

Mary: (not able to resist attempts to hug Tom face on, meaning she pretty much only hugs his penis) Welcome to the show, Tom!

Tom: Well, it's great to be here!

Mary: That's quite a monster you've got there! I have to ask: soft or hard?

Tom: It's flaccid, Mary.

(astounded adlibs again)

Mary: I don't believe you!

Tom: Go ahead... feel it!

Mary: (running her hands and arms around it repeatedly) He's telling the truth!


Tom: Yep, it's about seven and a half feet when asleep, but usually hits nearly a dozen feet when properly stimulated.

Mary: (laughing in astonishment) Well, I'd better stop then! (removes self from his penis)

Tom: I'm sure your lighting designer would appreciate that!


Mary: Now, Tom, you obviously care about your penis...

Tom: Of course, I'm an American!


Mary: Why did you progress to Phase Three of the Penis Improvement Plan?

Tom: Well, being a true patriot, I knew that I couldn't stop at just three feet or so. I mean, I'm a real man behind here!

Mary: You sure are!


Tom: So, I decided to continue with Phase Three.

Mary: And what did that entail, Tom?

Tom: Well, with the genetic splicing supplies included in the Penis Improvement Plan, I was able to successfully implant DNA from both a humpback whale's penis and a Sequoia tree directly into my penis's genetic code.

Mary: Wow! And how did that work for you?

Tom: I think you can see the results for yourself, Mary! By the way, it's not done growing yet!


Mary: Now couldn't someone just skip Phase One and Two and go directly to the home genetic splicing?

Tom: Not advisable! You need to build up on the fundamentals first; plus you'd just look ridiculous!

Mary: How so?

Tom: Imagine just going from six inches to sixty-six that quickly. Everyone would notice. You need to take time with these things to adapt, be subtle about it.

Mary: So how long did it take you?

Tom: Well, it's taking me longer every day!


Mary: Oh, Tom, now seriously.

Tom: About six months from average to super-sized.

Mary: That does seem more sensible, and you carry you penis so well! It's hardly what you could call obtrusive.

Tom: Right, I like it that way.

Mary: I imagine you have no problem getting women now!

Tom: Usually it's eight to ten women at a time! Although, if I find one woman who can sing in long, mysterious, ghostly, keening, deep cries, she can usually take care of me herself. But those women are pretty rare.

Mary: Truly astounding!


Tom: Thank you!

Mary: Now, you knew it was coming, but we will meet in talk with our fourth guest, who had the ability and courage and manliness to take the Penis Improvement Plan through Phase Four. Ladies and Gentleman, say hello to Nick!

(Nick enters, he is dressed in slacks and a nice t-shirt and sandals. He is perfectly normal in every way, nothing externally visible in his crotch)

Mary: (hugging Nick) Hello, Nick!

Nick: (stepping back after the hug and bowing humbly) Thank you for inviting me, Mary.

Mary: So, Nick, I think everyone across America wants to know how you made it through all four phases of the Penis Improvement Plan!

(encouragement adlibs)

Nick: Well. After reaching an erect length of over thirty feet and no longer being able to move, I delved deeply into Phase Four of the Penis Improvement Plan. It was ingenious!


Mary: What happened?

Nick: I followed the detailed instructions everyday: I trained my penis to meditate, to focus on nothingness, to journey through ultimate suffering, slowly, but surely, concerns about size and manliness lifted from my penis, it learned acceptance, it learned to strive for perfect lightness of being, oneness with the natural world. Eventually, my penis achieved enlightenment.

Mary: Wow! And how big was it by that time?

Nick: That was no longer a concern of me or my penis.

Mary: What would you guess, just a rough estimate?

Nick: Probably about the same size it was before I started the Penis Improvement Plan.

Mary: That's just beautiful, Nick. (she starts crying)

Nick: My penis was perfect now, because it had achieved perfect acceptance of its imperfectness. All worldly matters were now far removed from me and my penis.

(audience applause, the three guys start adlibbed protesting, "wait a minute", "that's not why I started to grow this thing", etc...)

Nick: (addressing the other three men) Don't worry, guys. There's an upside. Once enlightenment had been achieved, my penis was able to focus on the final portion of Phase Four.

Mary: Tell us about that, Nick.

Nick: Well, my penis is only one more test away from reaching a rather lofty goal.

(Questioning adlibs from audience and the other three, Nick stands up, bows and a large light saber grows quickly from his groin, he deftly waves it about, amazed and completely awestruck adlibs from two of the other three guys, such as "Your penis is a Jedi!" Tom can't see around his penis to see what Nick is doing)

Tom: (over top of applause and amazed adlibs) Hey! Hey! What's going on?! Hey! Guys!

(lights out on this noise and action, until it's just the light saber, when the lights are out completely, the light saber retracts)



Brendon Etter said...

Yes. Yes, I just wrote a play about penises, including a Penis Jedi.

Incicdentally, I'm wondering how many times the word penis - or related forms of it - appear in this script.

Anyone want to count for me?

Leave the answer in the comments section.


Anonymous said...

There are 90 penises including the title. Or 93 if you include the penises in your comment. Now it's 95 penises with my comment. Oh. 96 penises. 97 penises. 98 penises...

Anonymous said...

penis, penis =100

We accountants like those nice round numbers :)


Anonymous said...

O- woops- did one too many (penis)- there- subtracted one :).