July 13, 2006

A Play A Day #91



Setting: Camping site. Al and Mitch are setting up a small camping stove.

Al: There... that should do it.

Mitch: Set up?

A: Yep, so where's this guy?

M: Should be here soon... directions were good.

A: Yeah... construction's done... it's only, what? an hour?

M: 'S all it took me.

A: It's a great site, Mitch.

M: Yeah, discovered it a couple years ago...

A: Only an hour from the city, but it's like no one's ever been here.

M: But you can still drive right to the site.

A: Pretty nice spot.

M: Should be here any time.

A: Hope so, he's bringing the meat, right?

M: Yep. He's never been camping, he said.

A: Fishing though?

M: Said only once; he was real little.

A: Not an outdoors guy, huh?

M: Nope. Suburbs. Born and raised.

A: Too bad.

M: Think he's just a different sort of guy.

A: Yeah...

M: He's nice; new at work.

A: Been beggin' you to go fishing, huh?

M: Said he wanted to see the woods.

A: See'm?

M: Yep.

A: He's never seen 'em?

M: Well, I think he has...

A: Probably had to pay to see trees.

M: ...Nahhh, but I doubt he's ever been someplace like this.

A: Real woods.

M: Yep, more real than anything he's seen. (sound of car pulling up nearby, car doors opening and shutting)

A: Must be him.

M: Guess so. (pause, sounds off-stage of someone struggling with gear, A and M business with other gear they have)

Nolan: (off-stage, loud whisper as if scared) Mitch!!? (pause, A & M shake heads, raise eyebrows at each other) Mitch?!!
(pause again, A & M are laughing a bit now, decide to let it play a bit longer) Mitch!!?

M: (loud voice) Over here!

N: (whisper again) Where?!

M: This way! This way!

N: (fainter, farther off-stage) Here?!

M: Turn around!!

N: Which way?!!

M: This way!

N: (backing onto stage, ridiculously overburdened with brand new, very fancy gear, some with price tags still on, still stage whispers) I'm... ahhh... still not sure where you are....Mitch?!

M: Hi, Nolan.

N: (jumping around) Ohh! Hey!

M: Why are you whispering?

N: (whispering) I don't know.

M: It's the woods, Nolan, not a funeral parlor.

N: (whispering) Oh, o.k. (catching self, regular voice) I mean, right. Got it.

M: Nolan... Al; Al, this is Nolan.

A: Hey there.

N: Al?

A: That's me.

M: Help ya off with your stuff there, Nolan?

N: Yeah! Great!

M: (starts helping Nolan) That's a load of gear, Nolan.

A: Only here for three days, you know?

N: Yeah, I know. I went to that new outdoor gear superstore and told'em I'd be camping this weekend, and I was amazed at the stuff you need!

M: Sure. Sure. (pulling a small chainsaw, large cooking wok, collapsible ladder, extension cord, more bewildered with each) Yeah, Nolan, looks like you got it... all covered.

N: I hope so; it cost enough!

A: I'll bet.

M: We're getting pretty hungry; did you bring the meat?

N: Oh! Yeah, yeah! It's in the car. Sure was stinking up the place! I'll go get it! (exits)

M: Well, they took him for a ride.

A: Yeah, never walk into one of those places and ask for help.

M: Nope, jeez, he's got a half-dozen different flashlights.

A: Was that two separate tents I saw?

M: Believe so.

A: What's that about?

M: Probably has one for laundry.

A: Or a portable sauna.

M: Unbelievable.

N: (off stage) C'mon girl! C'mon!

A: (confused look to Mitch) Girl?

N: (enters leading a full-grown cow, or an actor portraying a cow, or whatever you've got to portray a cow on stage) 'Atta girl! There you go! Here we go boys! (stands proudly)

M: (shock) Wha... ahhh...

A: (with Mitch) Ummm... Mitch... uh.... Nolan?

M: Nolan, what is this?

N: Meat!

M: It's a cow.

N: Yep, plenty of meat for three big eaters like us!

A: Nolan... this... is... a cow.

N: Yeah! Big one too!

A: Nolan... why?

N: For grilling!

M: Nolan... what were you thinking?

N: That's what the guy at the barn said!

A: This just doesn't...

N: He said: "You'll never get Flora in there!" But those new Volkswagens have roomy back seats.

M: But, Nolan...

N: With enough pushing, we got her in, and thirty miles later, here we are!

A: But we can't eat that much!

N: Well, we got three days, right?

A: But...

N: So we just keep on grilling!

M: We don't even have a grill!

N: Oh...

A: And how do we keep the meat fresh?

N: I got pretty good air conditioning in my car...

M: How do we kill it and dress it out?

N: I brought that chainsaw; says it can handle your toughest outdoor jobs.

A: I don't any of us know how the kill and butcher a cow with a small chainsaw!

M: Nolan, why didn't you just buy a few steaks at the store?

A: Seems like a sensible thing.

N: I just thought, you know, three guys, in the woods, three days, I'd really better bring some serious meat.

A: Nolan, do you know how much meat there is there?

N: In Flora?

A: I'm guessing, if we somehow mangaed to butcher her and keep the meat edible, we'd have to eat about twenty pounds of steak at every meal for three straight days.

N: Wow! That is a lot. But, isn't this what guys do when they camp?

M: No, Nolan, not this! Did you think we strip naked and put on body paint?

A: This ain't "Lord of the Flies", Nolan.

M: We're three guys fishing for a few days.

A: I actually tend to eat more vegetables than meat.

N: (contrite) Well, it just seemed so... masculine.

M: Nolan. It's actually pretty stupid.

N: Well... macho then?

A: So you gonna kill her now?

N: (picks up chainsaw, looks at Flora, at chainsaw, at Flora) No. I just can't kill Flora.

M: Hard to eat something with a cute name.

A: So what do we do?

M: I'm starved, so let's eat our bag of salad, and then bring Flora back to the farm where you got her.

N: Say... could one of you guys help me bring her back?

A: You got her here.

N: Yeah, but the Beetle's not too comfortable for Flora. I parked behind a truck; must be one of yours.

A: It's mine, and it's filled with extremely heavy and valuable work gear. What about yours, Mitch?

M: The Benz!?

A: It's a convertible.

M: It has leather seating!

A: So does Flora.

M: No, not a chance!

A: Alright, why don't we eat the salad, and then we can discuss the best way to get Flora back.

M: (filling three camp plates with salad) Alright, here ya go. We'll pick up some meat when the cow is returned.

A: Rather ironic.

(They sit and eat with a little ad-libbing, Flora nudges Mitch several times, Mitch finally catches on and starts sharing his salad with Flora as lights fade out)


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