November 1, 2010

Ways I Spice Up My Life Without Frequenting Prostitutes!

You wouldn't think it was possible, but here are some solid entertainment options for those locked in drudgery looking to break away from all that sex with prostitutes they keep accidentally having.

1) When on vacations, I mail any spare body parts I find to my home address in packaging that looks very suspect.  Upon returning home, I bring the packages back to the post office, and they open them for me while I exclaim things like: "I sure hope there isn't a nose in that package!" or "Who keeps sending me kneecaps?" or "Whoa!  That box is adult male leg-sized!"

2) I put dry ice and red food coloring in my swim trunks, dive into the public pool and just start thrashing around.

3) Go to the bank and exchange the dollar bills in my wallet for the exact same amount of money in dollar bills just to enliven my currency.

4) It's not abduction if you tell the person they're under citizen's arrest.  To strengthen your case, read the person their Miranda rights or whatever rights you can remember.  It's the least you can do.

5) Tickle strangers.

6) Read Proust to the chickens but only to some of the chickens to create vicious, but literate, rivalries in the coop.

7) Frequent prostitute interns.  Not the same thing.

8) Drink soap, water and glycerin, then, at midnight, stand under a lonely streetlight in a black trench coat and fedora, head downcast, and French exhale bubbles.

9) Using only four million toothpicks, record a top ten pop album and discern the true nature of love.

No comments: