November 2, 2010

I Will Totally Punch You In The Face!!!!!!!!

Do you see that?  Count'em!  Go on, count the exclamation points in the title of this post.

Yeah?  What did you get?  Seven?  

Okay, I thought there were eight or nine, but seven works, because I'm at least that mad, and it's probably best from a public relations angle to not oversell too early in the game.

People will start not knowing if I'm serious, you know?  If I just throw out eight or nine (or ten!) exclamation points, and then am only able to deliver seven (or six!) exclamation points' worth of rage and violence.

That would cause my reputation great harm.  I can envision a day when people would stop taking my posts seriously because of such punctuation-based hyperbole.  That would be horrible!

Actually, that would be horrible!!


It's never wise to start off a violent tirade and have people expect more than you can deliver.  Outside of YouTube commenters, very few writers can objectively "bring" eight or nine exclamation points to an argument in a convincing manner.  

At the most recent regional conference, the Central Region Aggressive Punctuation symposium, the keynote speaker chastised the audience to dial down the rage within the prose and use fewer exclamation points!  Unbelievable!  

He was nearly shouted down.  Someone even called him an ALL-CAPSer, which I could tell from my seat near the back of the room stung quite a bit.

Once the attendees quieted down, we learned that the speaker wanted us to try to use something he called "wit" to underscore our vitriol.

What?!  Instead of bitterness and sarcasm?!

As an experience purveyor of harsh punctuation, I didn't need some jag-off telling me how to convince people with written volume!

Whatever!  I stopped listening and walked out!

I'm sure he felt good to get his huge speaking fee and leave all of us...


There's eight?

No, come on!  Stop joking!

You said seven!  You did too!

Yes!  Seven!  I'm not... I'm... I'm just not ready!

Because you said seven, that's why, Asshole!

Fuck!  Now I have to swear more and bring up Hitler somehow!

Oh!  This is not good!  Not good at all!!

Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!

I coulda sworn there were only seven!  I'm not ready to do eight!

Whaddya mean, "I have to?"

Who the fuck are you anyway?!  Hey!  Douchebag!

I'm talkin' to you, Fuckface!!

I don't fuckin' care 'bout that!!  You're the Nazi who insists of perfect, regimented accounting of all punctuation marks!  

You and your jackbooted thugs gonna break down my door at midnight if I don't bring eight to this game?!!

Yes!  You so fuckin' are!  

Come here, Hitler!!  Now!!!!


Just come here right fucking now, or I WILL TOTALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!

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