February 21, 2010

Thoughts On Talking Vaginas

Being a list of ruminations of indeterminate number and length on the curious matter of talking vaginas...

1) Sure, my penis frequently talks, but it is always a conversation. A back-and-forth, as it were. A dialogue.

2) I would expect penises to talk a lot more; after all, they are just extroverted vaginas. Aren't they?

3) Leave it to vaginas to just blather on and on about whatever, even if no one is really listening.

4) Vaginas don't seem to realize that they don't need to talk to capture the attention of most.

5) That being said, a vagina that can talk would surely be the most popular vagina in the room. Until the vagina that can talk and juggle enters the room, of course.

6) Why do vaginas get all the credit for verbalization? Surely, those lips were made for talking.

7) And what about the clitoris? Let's not neglect the possibility that it too might speak if it could be found and given proper training.

8) I wonder what the effective tax rate is for independent, talking vaginas. I know what the statutory tax rate is, but I bet vaginas can talk their way to a lot of deductions.

9) What language do vaginas use? Is it particular to region, country, ethnicity? Do vaginas have accents? Is there a universal language a vagina can use to communicate with any other vagina - a pussperanto?

10) Talking vaginas are all well and good, but I would like to see singing vaginas, like the Vagina Boys' Choir, or any Broadway musical you can name.

11) A talking vagina that can hold a non-talking vagina on its lap and make that vagina seem to talk would really be on to something that many people would want to see.

12) A funny thing for a vagina to say would be: "We wanna be free to ride our machines without being hassled by The Man!"

13) Actually, that's funny when non-vaginas say it.

14) I thought I could title this post "Thoughts In Talking Vaginas," but then I realized that no one thinks when they're in a talking vagina.

15) Beeker's clearly a talking penis, but did anyone ever make a talking vagina Muppet?

16) Can a talking vagina be sued for slander?

17) Talking vaginas that stutter probably get picked on a lot even though they're just a talking vagina like you and me. Well, not me.

18) Talking vaginas in authoritarian nations experience brutal repression of their rights, just like talking vaginas in democracies.

19) I wish there were more talking vaginas proudly on display in local parks, museums, colleges, businesses and that "Small World" ride in Disneyland.

20) In prehistoric times, vaginas communicated with primitive grunts and screeches.

21) Remember to always warm up your talking vagina before any performance, lest you strain a vagina chord.

22) A diaphragm can be used in the talking vagina much like a mute in the end of a trumpet - or clarinet, if that's more your thing. Waa-waaaaaaaa-wa-wa.

23) A very stupid thing for a talking vagina to say is: "Come here."

24) If you ever lose your talking vagina, please contact the milk carton people.

25) Make sure you have a picture of your talking vagina for them to put on their milk cartons.

26) I wonder if any talking vaginas take a vow of silence, or become vagina mimes?

27) Do all talking vagina movies have to be subtitled for men or for women with silent vaginas?

28) Little kids would love a stuffed vagina that talks when you pull the string.

29) It's great that all women, all women everywhere, are just a great big cluster of sisters that get along perfectly through the constructive monologuing of their vaginas.

30) Someone should write a play about all these talking vaginas.

31) I wish more vaginas would talk to me.


Griff Wigley said...

Brendon, good to see you're back to blogging.

I was trying to think of a way to let folks on Locally Grown know about it and this "Talking Vaginas" post is the perfect vehicle (receptacle?) for it.

I've added a comment here:

Brendon Etter said...

Cool. Thanks, Griff!

Griff Wigley said...

You're welcome, Brendon.

I still think the colleges should be offering a penis wellness course or maybe hosting a penis wellness symposium. College men need to know all the ins and outs.

But I suppose programs like these come and go. Curricular ups and downs and such.

Brendon Etter said...

Ohhh... stop it.