February 23, 2010

Reasons Why Evgeni Plushenko Should Have Won the Gold Medal in Men's Figure Skating at the 2010 Winter Olympics

1) Because Vladimir Putin said so.
2) The ice was a lot more slippery than he thought it should be.
3) You must obey the mullet!
4) Not only does he routinely land quads, his heart lands invisible quints for the judges.
5) You probably were simply blinded by his aura, which is totally your fault.
6) Because Vladimir Putin really likes the Russian mob. Hint, hint.
7) He did his routine after successfully landing a quad vodka shot.
8) Because he had sent out word across the lands and seas, from pole to pole, the whole world 'round, that it was to be so.
9) So children would be better able to look up to his gracious and mature attitude.
10) Needs the medal to save humanity from itself.
11) Penis size was unfairly excluded from the scoring, and he's such a big dick.
12) He's pretty sure some of the other skaters are gay, which is a tough cross for him to bear when performing.
13) Give him the medal, or the kitten dies!
14) If he doesn't, he's going to stomp, stomp, stomp those skates really, really hard!
15) Just 'cuz.