February 26, 2010

Guaranteed Ways to Get More Men to Watch Figure Skating

A list I wrote because I, like everyone else, enjoy dabbling in rote gender stereotypes for comedic effect. I only hope you approve, or, failing that, I hope you disapprove with such overheated invective and self-righteous priggery as to make me laugh.

1) Bonus scoring and enhanced-difficulty ratings positively correlated with skater's breast size, both male and female.

2) Wrap skaters in layers of Pennzoil and Bud Light ads.

3) Various "no-go" areas on the ice that explode if touched with enough force.

4) Allow Hot Lesbian Pairs Skating.

5) Viewers must take one drink every time Scott Hamilton groans like a masturbating pervert as a skater attempts a jump or some similarly difficult, and apparently, extremely sexual "trick."

6) Nailing a triple axel only counts if you swallow the whole doughnut in the air.

7) More flamethrowers.

8) Pairs skaters must also have a nemesis (of the judges' choosing) on the ice during their routines; they have to avoid and/or subdue the nemesis successfully for their routine to count.

9) Routines must always be done to "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zeppelin or "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (or appropriately-rocking cover versions of each.)

10) All individual competitors must do the short program at the same time on the same rink. Last one standing wins.

11) A new event where skaters perform a routine while descending the bobsled course. No bobsleds allowed. Points for fastest time, technical and artistic elements. Deductions for screaming.

12) Whipped cream belly slides recognized as part of the art form.

13) One word: Icequake.

14) A certain number of horny cheerleaders per skater.

15) Obstacle course portion of the competition to feature: The Stampoline, The Firesphere, The Whirlytoss and The Groping Clownbot.

16) Judges allowed to press button for one skater that opens a hole in the ice above the tiger pit. Skater has fifteen seconds to get out before the ice hole closes. Bonus points proportional to tiger-related blood loss sustained if skater completes the routine without wussing out.

17) More Three Stooges-related routines encouraged.

18) No crying allowed, and as little feeling as possible.

19) Motorized skates.

20) One judge is a week from retirement who's "gettin' too old for this shit"; the other is a by-the-book, naively optimistic rookie.


ShOI said...

For #20, you forgot to mention their dog and/or kid.

Rob Hardy said...

#21 Every skater will be Diana Poth of Hungary (do a Google image search for her, if you must).

Note: I went to the women's finals of the World Figure Skating Championships at the Target Center in 1998 and saw her skate. Michelle Kwan took the gold. Diana Poth came in 10th, but she was first in my heart!:) I even wrote a poem about her. She's changed quite a bit since then, though.

Brendon Etter said...

I don't get it, Shoi? You mean, they are retiring to spend time with their dog and/or kid?

Rob, yeah, that would help this project a lot.

ShOI said...

No, I meant they've been paired (against their will) with a dog or kid. Hijinks ensue, but in the end they learn to get along.

Brendon Etter said...

That's ridiculous, ShOI! No cop one-week-from-retirement would ever get paired with a dog or a kid! That's so ludicrous as to be comical in concept and probably never in its execution!