July 23, 2008

Brendon Etter Releases Liquor Store Construction Plan for Northfield

Leading write-in mayoral candidate, the devastatingly attractive, Brendon Etter, today released an ambitious plan for bettering Northfield's economy.

Speaking from the roof of the current Municipal Liquor Store before a sell-out crowd, Etter declared that, if elected, he will build liquor stores "in every neighborhood, on every street corner, in every school."

"For too long, we have remained a community lacking adequate resources for getting our drink on. No more!"

Etter plans to build, using public funds, "at least fifty new liquor stores wherever possible" as he unveiled in his grand Five Year / Five Beer Plan.

"If every man, woman and child, and even just some of the pets, in Northfield consumed only five beers - or the equivalent of five beers - each day, we will be able to keep Northfield flush with cash for all the other important capital projects we so desperately need."

Etter went on to say that "a new library, new performing arts center, new safety center would be built within a year under this plan, and they would be a hell of a lot more fun to visit when completely plastered."

"If we combine the construction of these liquor stores with increased police surveillance of our borders to prevent the illegal importation of alcohol from neighboring communities or other sales outlets, then demand for alcohol will increase largely regardless of price. This means more cash for us, and less time for police to enforce unnecessary public intoxication laws."

"It's a win / win situation," said Etter.

Etter's chief campaign adviser, Britt Ackerman, LLC, CST, WWJD, summed up Etter's plan by paraphrasing former President Kennedy, "In essence, our candidate is saying: Ask not what your community can do for you, but what you and your liver can do for your community."


Jim H. said...

And each of these new liquor outlets could specialize. The stores closest to the two campuses could sell cheap kegs and some of those new fruit-and-alcohol chick-drinks. The stores in the southern suburbs could feature Miller Lite and Bud Light (in cans). For the downtown crowd, ales and Chilean wines.

Your plan is a brilliant revenue-generating strategy, though I worry about its long-term effects.

Oh, heck, no I don't.

Brendon Etter said...

Great methods for fine-tuning the "Drink Local" strategy, Jim.