September 22, 2006

A Play A Day #162

An Actual Conversation Painstakingly Recorded By The Author. The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Actual Speakers. At Least, I Am Assuming The Names Have Been Changed. The Author May Unwittingly Be Giving The Charcters Their Actual Names In A Poor Attempt To Protect Their Identity. Perhaps, The Author Should Have Asked Them What Their Real Names Were So He Could Have Been Assured That He Was Not Using Their Actual Names. Well, Too Late Now.


Setting: A space.

Friend1: Hello, Friend2.

Friend3: Really funny, Friend1, but you know I'm Friend3.

1: Where's Friend2?

3: He's not here.

1: You're right.

3: Yes, I am.

Friend2: Now, I am here.

1: Oh, hello, Friend2!

3: Friend2! So nice to see you!

2: Yes, it is nice to see you both here.

1: We were just wondering where you were.

3: Yes, we didn't know where you were.

2: Well, I am here now.

1: Where were you?

2: I was masturbating with Friend4.

3: How is he doing?

2: Friend4? He's doing well.

1: How was the masturbation?

2: Oh, o.k., I guess.

3: You guess?

2: I wasn't paying any attention at all.

1: Fabulous!

3: Neat!

2: I thought so.

1: Have you eaten recently?

2: Are you talking to me, Friend1?

1: To both of you.

3: Do we have to answer together?

1: That is funny.

2: I ate on Wednesday.

1: Now, it is Saturday.

2: Hmmm... then I am hungry.

3: I never eat on Saturday.

1: That is too bad.

3: I once ate on Saturday, and I vomited on Sunday.

1: Again, that is too bad.

2: I hate vomiting on Sunday.

3: Yes. Saturday made me vomit on Sunday.

1: So you don't eat on Saturday.

2: Out of sympathy for your plight, I will also not eat on Saturday.

3: We are friends. It follows.

1: Well, I am not friends with both of you enough to not eat on Saturday.

2: We always suspected you of poor friend-keeping abilities.

3: True, we have secretly been suspecting that you were not a really good friend.

1: You have been talking behind my back?

2: I don't know.

3: Which way do you usually face?

1: Oftentimes, I stand facing this way.

3: Hmmm... yes, then we have spoken behind you back.

2: I believe Friend3 is correct in that assessment of our back-behind-talking-of-you activities.

1: I appreciate your honesty.

3: We are your friends after all.

2: True, we are. At least, I am.

1: Are you not my friend, Friend3?

3: I believe I am.

1: Well, do you like me?

3: Oh, yes. Quite a lot.

1: Hmmm... do you enjoy partaking in certain activities with me?

3: Well, like what?

1: Friendly activities: snooker, picnics, vandalism?

3: "Yes" to the snooker, "no" to the picnics, "somewhat" to the vandalism.

1: You might actually be my friend then.

3: That's good news.

2: I am glad we are so happy.

1: Me too.

3: Not me.

1: Yes?

3: I am happy we are so glad.

2: Oh my. That's completely different.

3: Well, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat now.

1: You don't eat on Saturdays.

3: Yes, I do.

2: You told us that it made you vomit on Sunday.

1: So you don't eat on Saturdays.

3: No, I just don't eat on that Saturday.

2: Which Saturday?

3: The Saturday that made me vomit on that Sunday.

1: That Saturday?

3: Yes, I will never eat on that Saturday again.

2: True, true. You won't.

1: Well, we should eat then.

2: Yes, we should. I should mention though, because I am such a good friend to you, Friend3, I will not eat on that Saturday ever again either.

3: You are very kind.

1: Truly a generous friend.

2: Tell me, how do we end this conversation?

3: I imagine we stop talking.

1: That would seem to be one way to do it.

2: Great. Let's do that.

(very, very, very long pause, nothing at all happens, they just stand there, looking at each other)

3: It almost felt like we were still having a conversation there.

2: I thought so too.

1: Let's try it again to see if we can both stop talking and end the conversation.

3: Sounds good.

2: Then we can all eat... on Saturday.

1: Great idea.

(they stop talking, long pause, lights start to fade, they look up at the gathering darkness, confused, eventually lights go out)

2: Seemed to work better that time.

3: Yes.

1: Got dark rather quickly though.


No comments: