October 29, 2007

You Can't Spell 'Bible' Without 'L-I-E'

Even if you believe (again with the 'l-i-e' in there) the Bible, you have to agree the text contains far too many glaring factual inaccuracies, missteps, bobbles, evasions and outright lies, and far too few pictures of hot naked chicks.

I'll leave you to find your own pictures of hot naked chicks, but I thought I'd craft a list detailing just some of the misstatements in that sluggish tome.

1. Jesus may have indeed walked on water, but it was very thick water.

2. Technically, the disciples were less ideological adherents and more profit-sharing stockholders on the Jesus, Inc. Board of Directors. Their motivations were, and still remain, largely financial.

3. Field recordings from the time indicate that immediately before Jesus asked "My Father, why have you forsaken me?", he yelled skyward "Goddamnit! You said this wouldn't hurt a bit!"

4. Those same field recordings also note the surprise that onlookers expressed at someone speaking such clear English fully 1500 years before its development as a world language.

5. Jesus never said he was "the way, the truth and the life". He said he was "da way, da truth and da life, ya know?" He hung out with a lot of guys from Chicago.

6. The Israelites would not have had to wander in the desert for so many years if Moses hadn't been so fat and lazy.

7. Solomon was perhaps wise, but it is never mentioned in the Bible that everyone else at the time was horribly fucking stupid.

8. Jesus had a twin brother named Dwight who was also a carpenter. He was the East Central Promised Land regional leader of custom-made solutions for the crucifixion industry.

9. It's painfully obvious that the Bible is not the "word of God" as is so widely claimed. Leaving aside the basic textual inconsistencies that an omniscient being would never make, it's well known that God prefers to end most sentences with the tag phrase: "Boo-ya-ya dickweeds!"


ShOI said...

10. Nowhere in the New Testament is it explained what the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stands for (Give up? It's Hootie).

Brendon Etter said...

Shit. I thought it was Hubert.

ShOI said...

You're thinking of Jesus' brother, Jeremy Hubert Christ. Mary and Joseph used to get the two of them mixed up all the time, so don't feel bad. In fact, Jesus was always getting blamed for stuff Jeremy did. Makes you wonder...

Brendon Etter said...

I would think Dwight and Jesus would have been the two being misidentified by their parents. You know, both being carpenters and all that. Also, I thought Jeremy H. Christ had a mohawk.