September 3, 2007

What I Would Have Named Jar Jar Binks

Behavior is frequently context-specific. For instance, I swear somewhat less frequently when addressing priests at a Southern Baptist convention, than I do when I'm cruising with the local chapter of the Sons of Satan Motorbiking and Punching Things In The Face Club.

I noticed, however, that I vomit no matter where or when I see, hear, smell or think I see, hear or smell Jar Jar Binks, the quintessential What-Were-They-Thinking character in the George Lucas pantheon of lame characters.

I thought... "Hmmm, perhaps I could dedicate a list to this digital dope, this reptilian Rastafarian reject."

So I do: A list of what I would have named this chuckleless chunk of scene stealing stink.

1. Jar Jar Drinks Too Much and Dies Within Fifteen Seconds of His First Appearance (Self-explanatory.)

2. Jar Jar Blinks (And that's it; this would have been a more enigmatic and appealing character.)

3. Hard Hard Dinks (A porn name would have been more fun, at least. See this earlier list for a reference point.)

4. Far Far Binks (Named for the distance from which the character could be safely viewed.)

5. Lars Lars Binkesen (A big, loping Norwegian would have been just as racially charged and unbelievable, but probably more practical around the set.)

6. Fart Fart Stinks (Hey, if Lucas is trying to appeal to 4th grade boys, he might as well go for the jugular.)

7. Dark Dark Pinks (A class of hues I've always enjoyed. The character would have been much more enjoyable and less distracting had it been simply a warm, silent array of color.)

8. Shit Shit Fuck (Self-explanatory and honest.)


Jim H. said...

Brendon's timeliest entry yet!

How about "Har Mar Links" -- he could be the proprietor of a north suburban golf shop.

Brendon Etter said...

Nice, Jim.

Car Car Finks - if Jar Jar had been played by Click and Clack from Car Talk.

Anonymous said...

Bar Bar Jinx--what'd happen if you brought this guy out to pick up women.

I'll stop trying so hard now.