May 2, 2006

A Play A Day #18

Nazi Whore!

Nazi Whore
Many Nazis

Setting: Lights up on grimy door in the dingy hallway of a run-down apartment building. Light expands to take in a long line of Nazi soldiers. The "Nazi Whore Theme Song" music gets them all tapping their feet and smiling. Door opens quickly, barely-clothed Nazi hustles out of room. Nazi Whore steps into the light, poses seductively in the doorway. The Nazis start singing, horrible German accents abound!

(In the style of "Spiderman")

Italicized parts are Nazi Whore only

Nazi Whore, Nazi Whore,
A slutty Nazi, and so much more
Sleeps with guys you might deplore
In her bed, it's a pelvic war
Here comes the Nazi Whore.

In and out come the guys
If you're good, then she cries
"Arbeit (Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!) macht frei!"
So ready, set, unzip your flies
And she'll drop to the floor
Down there?
There goes the Nazi Whore.

She won't take the circumsized
That depends upon the size!
I guess that she'll compromise
and open up her thighs
'til she's sore
Here's four more
Four for the Nazi Whore!

Day out and day in
If you are payin'
Then she'll be layin'
Especially when
You're an aryan
You're gonna score
Thanks to the Nazi Whore!

To her, life is a constant screwin'
Even if you threw a Jew in
She'll also play the dyke
If it helps the Third Reich
More! More!
"More" says the Nazi Whore!

Nazi Whore: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! I have only time enough for twenty more tonight! So consult your number, if it's over fifty-two, you'll have to leave, unless you can convince another man to let you join. (disgruntled mumbling, Nazis scramble to secure deals with Nazis holding lower numbers) I'm so sorry, boys, but this is the way it must be... wartime rationing. It is to better serve you over the long term. (She hits a bell, tears a number off the wall) Number 33, next! (Number 33 Nazi, clambers into room, door shuts, brief pause, door opens, then number 33 is leaving, zipping up his pants, Nazi Whore appears in her doorway, wiping her mouth with a towel. She is very, very good. Hits the bell. Tears off a number) Number 34, next! (Nazi 34 enters)

(Interior of Nazi Whore's room, Nazi 34 is in front of her. She is unzipping his fly. Backs up a little in surprise.)

NW: Ohh! You are snipped!

Abel: No, I am Abel!

NW: (feeling his groin, eyes growing larger) Yes! Yes! You must be! Very able!

Abel: No! I'm not able! I mean...

NW: For me, all men are able.

Abel: I mean, I AM able, and I'm Abel, but...

NW: Yes, I'm sure you are, but two times does cost twice as much.

Abel: No, I do not want it twice.

NW: Well, three times would not be typical, but, then again, you are not typical.

Abel: You misundersatnd. I need to talk to you!

NW: Ohh, yes, I like talking.

Abel: No, not during sex, what I...

NW: O.K. We will talk first, or maybe after.

Abel: I only want to talk! With you.

NW: Just talk. How unusual.

Abel: Help me, Nazi Whore!

NW: Certainly, I will help you!

Abel: (much relieved) Thank you! I just enlisted in the arrmy today.

NW: So, maybe just a hand job, then?

Abel: No! No!

NW: (She does not get turned down for sex very often; a little concerned and hurt by his rather vehement rejection of her services) Ohh... you do not find me beautiful?

Abel: (more sensitively to her now) Yes, I find you very beautiful.

NW: (somewhat wistfully) Oh, thank you.

Abel: (very sensitively now, trying to really bring her around, maybe putting his arm around her and stroking her hair) I... I only wish I had time to fuck you, Nazi Whore, but something much more important needs your attention.

NW: More important than even your penis?

Abel: Yes, even more important than that.

NW: (astounded) You are truly an unusual man. (surveying his largish nose, dark curly hair and brown eyes, rechecking his penis, yep, still circumsized) You are an even more unusual German soldier.

Abel: Yes, I know... Nazi Whore, I fear that I may be.... (choking it out) Jewish.

NW: Yes, what makes you think so?

Abel: Well, you've already seen one reason.

NW: Yes, very solid evidence...

Abel: My father, Rabbi Shlomo Steinberg, has also recently begun dropping clues that he is a Jew...

NW: (lost in an erotic revery) so solid...

Abel: ...and that would make me at least half-Jew, right?

NW: (still lost) just so very nice and solid...

Abel: My father seemed very upset when I joined the army, he kept saying...

NW: (sucking on her fingers) so big, so solid, what a great piece of evidence...

Abel: "Abel!" He'd say. "Abel! You must not enlist in that man's army! You are a German, but you will not be just another Nazi whore!" (long pause, Nazi Whore continues her erotic dream and corresponding movements, not hearing Abel at all) Ummm... Nazi Whore? (shaking her shoulder lightly) Nazi... Whore? Hello?

NW: Yes, how can I be of service?

Abel: It's me! It's Abel!

NW: Ready and willing, too?

Abel: Nazi Whore! Please! We were talking? Remember? I'm probably a Jew and all that?

NW: Yes, I'm not sure the German army is the best place for you, at least not the Jewish half of you, Abel.

Abel: That is what I need to ask you, Nazi Whore.

NW: I have heard from some clients of mine that the Jews and the Nazis may not agree on everything.

Abel: Right, I've been hearing the same thing.

NW: We share the same clients?

Abel: I don't think so.

NW: Good. Otherwise, I would have to kick you out, and I like you.

Abel: I like you too, Nazi Whore, but my father has called me a Nazi whore for enlisting in the German army.

NW: We have much in common, Abel; they also call me Nazi Whore for enlisting the German army.

Abel: Were you a Nazi who became a whore, or were you a whore who turned to Nazis?

NW: I've never really thought about it; why do you ask?

Abel: Because I want to know if I was a German first and then a Jew, or a Jew who became German. I thought you could help.

NW: No, I'm really quite simple-minded. I fuck. I suck. You lay. You pay. But, whenever I have a problem that needs solving, I turn to my loyal sidekick, DORA. (She reaches under her bed)

Abel: You have a sidekick?

NW: All heroes have sidekicks, Abel. DORA is mine. (She produces a comically enormous black anthropomorphic dildo.)

Abel: (recoiling somewhat) What's that?

NW: This! Is DORA!

Abel: Dora? But...

NW: It's a dildo. I know. But, it's so much more! DORA is the Dildo Of Remarkable Abilities. D.O.R.A. Get it?

Abel: Yes, yes, O.K. I get it, but it's still... ummm... just a dildo.

DORA: Takes one to know one, Half-A-Jew!

Abel: (terrified) Ahhh.... your dildo sp... sp... spoke... by itself?!

DORA: (mocking) Ahhh... your client sh... sh... shat... on himself?!

NW: Alright, settle down, DORA. Most people are surprised when an enormous dildo speaks to them.

DORA: Most dildos are surprised when a Jew appears in a Nazi uniform.

NW: O.K. DORA, that's enough. Abel needs our help; he is questioning....

DORA: I heard it already; I was just under the bed, you know.

NW: How can we help him?

DORA: (to NW) Have you tried a blow job yet?

NW: No! DORA, he needs to talk about his identity; that's it.

DORA: (to Abel) Sorry, pal; blow jobs are a lot more fun.... alright... I'll play along. What you failed to consider in your scenario was what being a German, and a Jew - for you are both equally - has to do with being a Nazi. Even though the rabbi called you a Nazi whore, you are not so lucky as the Nazi Whore: You can't have it three ways.

Abel: (in agony and grief) No!!! I only need it two ways. I am a German. I am half-a-Jew. Why can't the other half be a Nazi, too?!

DORA: Sorry, man, half-Jewish is the same as all to the swastika set.

NW: I'm sorry, Abel.

DORA: You'll be found out, kid. But, hey, look at the bright side; they'll kill you quickly. These guys are hideously efficient.

Abel: What can I do? My father, he's a Jew. I must save him from the Nazis. My brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, my 417 cousins! All of us! We are all Jews. Help me, Nazi Whore; you're my only hope! Help me, Nazi Whore; you're my only hope!

DORA: Calm down, boy. We'll get you past the goys. Leave your uniform on for now. We'll head back to your father's house, then the houses of all your aunts and uncles and cousins, until we have rounded up every last one of them.

Abel: Ohh, it won't be that hard, we all live in the same house!

NW: Excellent, that will be so much easier for me to guard!

Abel: Guard?

NW: Yes, while you and DORA are rounding up your family, I will protectively fuck any Nazis who may get suspicious. This way, I will earn money for our long trip out of harm's way!

Abel: Trip?

NW: Yes, first, we will sail for Austria, then by camel into the Swiss outback.

Abel: We're much closer to the Netherlands; why don't we go there?

DORA: We saw the Swiss thing in a movie once. Looked very romantic.

NW: Are you ready?

Abel: Yes, I guess so... but... but...

NW: What?

Abel: Well, what if my family doesn't believe us? What if they refuse to leave?

DORA: Trust me, pal, when a ridiculously enormous black dildo tells you to get moving, you move. I mean, hey, I can be quite a dick when I need to be.

(General good-natured laughter and feelings of hope from all three. They exit the Nazi Whore's room as the lights fade.)



Anonymous said...

Oh God, Brendon. I feel so used...and honored...strangely, freakishly honored. I'm rather pleased I get to be a hero. The Nazi Whore uses her talents for good in the end, hazzah! I started reading this by singing and reading out loud to my roommate, since I had informed her of the Nazi Whore song and whatnot, but I'll tell ya, I didn't get very far before I just couln't read outloud anymore. Tsk tsk. Your talent knows no bounds. ;-P

Brendon Etter said...

Ahhh, thanks, Amanda! I especially liked the idea of the NW using her powers to create a sort of defensive sex perimeter around the house. That, and the talking dildo; there are simply not enough smartass sex toys in the American theater!

Circe said...

Damnit...I had a verse I was going to contribute, but I guess you finished the song already. Well, here it is anyway, in case you want to read it:

Nazi whore, nazi whore
Like a nazi, but so much more,
Serves the party well by day
Then gives sailors a really great lay
Look out, here comes the Nazi whore!

It's, of course, not as clever as anything you wrote, but it's my cheap shot.

Now I can say, I've read your blog. So there.

Brendon Etter said...

Well, you read, 1/18th of my blog. Soon to be 1/19th. But, you know, keep trying. I like your verse. I just wrote a different one.

emcee emdee said...


Truly offensive on so many levels....I couldn't be prouder!

Nazi Whore, Nazi Whore,
Watch while she goes all hardcore
Talking dildo in her hands
Takes Deutschmarks or Krugerrands
Mein Gott!
She comes, Nazi Whore.


Unknown said...

Oooo Ooooo!!! I want to play Nazi Whore!!!!!!