June 26, 2007

You Must See Kenny G Live. Seriously. I Would Never Joke About This.

Kenny G, short for Kenny Gee, is coming to a town near you. You must see him live! Here's why!

1. You are 97 years old, and feeling like it might be time to cut loose.

2. You have been unable to induce vomiting through other means.

3. Because it's less smelly, albeit less interesting, than seeing Kenny G dead.

4. You are highly allergic to the funk.

5. You have an old saxophone-gang-related score to settle.

6. Still suffering the effects of massive cognitive dissonance after buying the collector's edition of Kenny's 1983 album "G Force".

7. You are Michael Bolton, and you're looking for an edgy collaborator for your next album.

8. Must check to see if he's been able to maintain his dangerous, devil-may-care hirsutity.

9. Because you are a bored, sexually-frustrated housewife and realize that you're going to have to settle for seeing the musical elf version of Fabio.

10. You enjoy being underwhelmed.

11. You are in the junior high band, and Mr. Delpino is giving extra credit if you bring in your ticket stub.

12. You are the ghost of a jazz great and are just checking to make sure that your music has crossed over into the mainstream without any sacrifice in integrity.

13. You are blindingly white.


ShOI said...

There's magic in the phrase, "musical elf version of Fabio." This phrase could potentially unite humanity, or at least make a good bootleg t-shirt to sell at the next Kenny G concert.

Brendon Etter said...

Get started making them, man. I'll buy one.

Circe said...

I think it's funny that you also associate Michael Bolton and Kenny G. It must be the hair. Or maybe it's the total suckitude...or suckitudiness...suckosity? Yeah, one of those things.

Brendon Etter said...

I think I do so because of their groundbreaking and revelatory re-interpretations of the Western musical canon. They both share the ability to anally rape the integrity out of any song they get their furry little hands on.

ShOI said...

Did you hear about this? Little girl hurt below Kenny G's house. This guy is out of control. He must be stopped!