June 22, 2007

Hot New Panties

Women's underwear developers recently met at a world forum in Rotterdam. Among the many issues under discussion: How do we update women's underwear to help it shed the quaint, Industrial Age veneer it now cradles? Technology, design and genital-swaddling experts all offered numerous suggestions. What follows is a listing of the best of those ideas for re-imagining women's underwear in the digital age.

1. Increase thonginess by one-third over the next ten years.

2. Work on keyboard design to increase accuracy of labial text messaging.

3. Decrease each individual panty's carbon "crotchprint," especially when in use.

4. Fewer levers in the wrong places.

5. Web-enabled chip allows user and invited guests to access each pair's homepage where they can track that underwear's vital statisitics.

6. Fewer coal and steel-based design themes, more based on nano-circuitry.

7. Figure out how to make them, somehow, reversible.

8. Bring laciness-to-daintiness ratio back into a respectable balance.

9. Use only natural, unprocessed fibers, like jute twine or sinew.

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