1. Performs most minor surgeries.
2. Senses when there's an intruder in your home and attacks.
3. Changes data about other metals into data about gold.
4. Can de-vein a chicken.
5. Changes your underwear so you don't have to.
6. Grows a full vegetable garden in one-fifth the normal time.
7. Lathers, rinses and repeats up to forty million times per second.
8. Can drive stick.
9. Performs as many rectal exams as you may need or want.
10. Will deliver actual bombs to enemies' computers.
11. Records all your thoughts for future recall.
12. Absolutely free barf bags.
13. Always tells the truth. Always. Really.