1. Santa Claus is real; well, was real, before he was executed for the genocide of the elf race. If you don't believe this, ask yourself: how many elves have you ever met?
2. Pro wrestling is not real. It's super-real.
3. The good news: Your love life is better than a porn movie. The bad news: Your love life is just barely better than a porn movie, and your sex life is much, much worse.
4. Your left hand does indeed know what your right hand is doing, as do most of your neighbors.
5. A disturbingly large number of people in this country believe George W. Bush is competent, and a similarly large group believe dinosaur bones were buried by God to test their faith. Thankfully, the two groups overlap almost perfectly.
6. The revolution will be televised after all, but it will be pay-per-view... with commercials.
7. Ultimately, you will die alone, unless you are being hacked to pieces by an angry mob.
8. The bad news: Your children will always be ungrateful. The good news: They will die young.
9. Everyone is pretending to like you, even those people who actually like you.
10. All your dreams will be killed by all your nightmares.
11. You actually have a lot more to fear than fear itself.