January 31, 2012

"A (insert character here) Walks Into A Bar" - Jokes Of Questionable Merit

An asshole walks into a bar and rips the place to shit.

A Hitler impersonator walks into a bar and is beaten by people pretending to be various scapegoats of geopolitical insecurity.

A chicken walks into a bar after successfully crossing the road outside.

A bar walks into a bar, and no one notices.

A joke set-up walks into a bar too obviously, thus undermining laughter's key psychological motivation.

A hippopotamus walks into a bar through the freight doors in the back.

A jerk walks into a bar, but this happens far too often to be amusing.

A fan of Phish walks into a bar, and people become slightly uncomfortable.

A tennis racket walks into a bar and asks if it can get some service.

A poop walks into a bar, and the little children laugh.

A stereotype walks into a bar and says something but people are not listening to the content of its message.

A Baptist minister and a Mormon walk into a bar because they enjoy feeling self-righteous.

A sex-positive porn actress walks into a bar and, well, it wasn't a "bar," more bar-shaped, and "walks" is used in a euphemistic sense.  They key word here is "into."  Plus, there was a film crew.

A cliffhanger walks into a bar...

A ghost walks into a bar.  It's sad because he was an alcoholic when he was alive.

A pathetic philosopher walks into a bar, or does the bar walk into him?

A group of twenty-eight people walks into a bar and order twenty-eight beers but there's only enough beer for twenty-seven; so they kill the guy no one liked that much anyway.

A feeling of poorly-timed deja vu walks into a bar; it has no idea that it almost had a sense that it had been there before even though it hadn't.

A virgin, a hooker, a seal and the President of the United States walk into a bar, and they wait for the joke to write itself.

A bartender walks into a bar.  She will work there for the next six hours.

A paradox gets closer and closer but never quite walks into a bar.

A man jumping a shark walks into a bar.  He's cool but desperate to recapture fading glory.

A Chinese cooking pan walks into a bar.

A very bad comedian walks into a bar, the one just a couple blocks from here, I think it's called The Spot, or Eddie's Spot... no, Eddie's Spot closed last year.  And he goes, uhhh... where does he go?  No!  No!  I got it... he says, says not goes, he says, and this is the funny part.  What he says.  It's great!  He says... uhhh, what was it?  Oh yeah!  He says something like, and I don't know if this is exactly what said, but it's close.  He says, "I would never walk into a bar and serve me!"  Get it?  Oh, wait... no, that's not quite right.  Uhhh... O.K.!  O.K.  Now I remember, he says - again don't quote me on this because it's just a joke - he says, he says, he says... " I would never go to a bar that would serve me!"  That's a joke! A joke! I hope you understood it. I love that one.

A futurist walks into a bar.  Within the next ten years, she will fly her car into that bar.

A camouflaged appliance walks into a bar and blends in.

A pair of beautiful breasts walk into a bar and get all the free drinks they want, but, cruelly, they have no mouth with which to drink them.

A subconscious, universal fear walks into a bar, and suddenly it's not funny anymore.

A God walks into a bar, and says, "See? I told you there were more than one."

A boy walks into a bar, and he leaves it a man. Or so he claims.

A drunk man walks into a bar that he had just left, but he doesn't realize it.  He's really, really drunk.

A metronome walks into a bar just in time.

An extrovert walks into a bar and just has to make sure that every-every-everyone! knows she's there.

An existential poem walks into a bar. It dies.

A grieving widow walks into a bar, and the bartender gives her a free drink. (But that's the last one, thinks the bartender, because she's been milking this dead husband shtick for two years now.) 

An anagram was ration balk.

A sense of situational irony walks into a bar located in a church basement.

A God doesn't walk into a bar, because there is no God.

An elephant walks into a bar, but he forgot to put on his shirt and shoes and is politely asked to leave.  The elephant apologizes and complies.

A teenage girl from Kansas walks into a bar wearing ruby slippers. She has an ozsome time.

A bout of forgetfulness walks? Into a bar?

A bullshit walks into a bar; a money talks into a bar.

A grizzled old caretaker walks into a bar, and he would've succeeded too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.

A moving sidewalk walks into a bar for you.

A wise guy walks into a bar, see?!

A Google walks into a bar.  It knows everyone's name.  Everyone's address.  Everyone's shoe size.  Everyone's list of bad "Walks Into A Bar" jokes.

A 1960's Batman walks into a bar. (BIFF!) (POW!) (WHACK!)

A man with a huge name tag on his shirt walks into a bar, because he feels like everyone knows him there.

A beer walks into a bar.  It is senselessly slaughtered.

A joke about walking into a bar walks into a bar and walks right into that one.

A single tear walks into a bar, the dramatic music rises as the lights dim.

A fish walks into a bar like a fish needs a bicycle, which is absurd because the fish already walked to the bar, so why would it need a bicycle?  Other than for going home, I mean.

A tornado walks into a bar.  It is a very small tornado, but, nonetheless, some patrons are not pleased. 

A murder mystery walks into a bar.  Or does it? (dun-dun-Dunnnnn!)

A premature ejaculation walks into a.... crap.

A guilt trip walks into a bar and hopes everyone realizes how much they've hurt it.

A workplace efficiency consultant walks into a bar.  Naturally, he is a complete asshole. 

January 23, 2012

Charges Added by Ticketmaster to My Recent Purchase of Tickets to See Jeff Mangum at the State Theatre and My Explanation for Each

Ticket "Price": $32.50
This makes sense.  Jeff Mangum, essentially the only member of the great band, Neutral Milk Hotel, went into hiding while dealing with emotional issues possibly triggered by the success of his second album, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. Outside of a few appearances onstage with friends' bands or in support of charity efforts, this marks Mangum's first tour in thirteen years. Given my love of his music, $32.50 is more than worth it.

Facility Charge: $3.00
The concert is in the State Theatre, a building beautiful enough and rich enough in history  that I would probably spend three dollars just to sit there for a couple hours watching an empty stage.  Plus, they spell "theater" the more expensive British way.

Convenience Charge: $12.00
Since I was not already a registered user, it took me about ten minutes to trek through the fields and menus of Ticketmaster's website to purchase a ticket for this show.  Registered accounts can probably buzz through in half that time, if they remember their account password which is hardly a guarantee.  If I had called the State Theatre directly, I have to believe I would have been able to perform this function in roughly the same amount of time, even if I was on hold for a few minutes. If on hold for considerably longer, then the web ordering would be faster.  Twelve dollars faster?  Not in my world. Not when you see what's next.

Order Processing Fee: $7.21
What the fuck?!  Didn't my $12 worth of convenience cover this?  Isn't having my order processed electronically by their fine computers instead of messy humans the only real convenience they provide? If this fee were not itemized explicitly, would Ticketmaster merely charge me for the convenience of not processing my order? What is included in "convenience" if not the fucking processing of the fucking order?

Additional Taxes: $1.30
The government takes a buck thirty.  Yet a big corporation takes fifteen times as much for no value added.  The difference?  I can't elect the assholes at Ticketmaster. 

Service Gratuity: $11.50
No dummies are those Masters of Ticket - with customary tipping rates running 15-20%, they have devised a great way to earn higher gratuities.

Customer Service Compensation: $8.85
You are charged ahead of time for any potential assistance you might need to save you from having to pay for the assistance when it is needed.

Customer Service Convenience Charge: $6.95
Now you can pay for the convenience of being charged for potential assistance before you are actually charged for that assistance, should it be necessary.

Repair / Maintenance Stipend: $3.19
Your ticket may be printed poorly or be insufficiently rectangular.  This money assures customers that Ticketmaster is prepared to reprint your ticket or use a scissors if it should come to that.

Fee Assessment Charge: $5.50
This money is put into an R & D fund to help Ticketmaster research, implement, and effectively obfuscate their cutting edge understanding of gouging.

Order-Out Allowance: $3.99
Ticketmasters work long hours.  They need a late-night burrito / pizza / pork stir fry once in a while.

Delivery Charge: $14.00
Gas is quite expensive.  Ticketmaster knows this, and they really want you to know that putting a stamp on an envelope is an invitation to wasteful use of petrochemicals by someone who will have to deliver that envelope.  This was part of Ticketmaster's 1995 Green Initiative Plan to help raise their customers' awareness of environmental issues.

Class Action Lawsuit Compensation: $23.65
Occasionally, Ticketmaster has to battle with more pessimistic customers who insist on something called "fairness" or the unproven concept of transparency.  This money allows Ticketmaster to fend off these monstrous attacks, and, if Ticketmaster does succumb to their evil charges, you might be entitled to a refund equaling nearly 5% of this charge.  So, this assessment is a big win-win.

Monopoly Assessment: from $90.00 to $130.00
This varies randomly and widely because of the forces of capitalism from which Ticketmaster must be protected.

Ticket Price: $32.50
Other Price: $191.14 - $231.14
TOTAL:  $223.64 - $263.64

It's a bargain at 10% of that price, but we throw in the other 90% without even bothering you about it!  Because we care.

January 22, 2012

Notes on Movies I Can Only Vaguely Recall

Movie #1 
- A woman with hair, blondish.
- She receives an envelope or sees a commercial.
- Top secrets?
- Her shampoo has a poison in it.
- Her friends die mysteriously. All of them.
- There was an alien thing.
- She has a lover.
- He falls off a building.
- He drives off a bridge.
- The aliens maybe did it.
- The shampoo was actually normal.

Movie #2
- A fat guy returns home.
- It is snowing.
- A high school sweetheart.
- She has a secret.
- There's a black convertible.
- Two love triangles!
- Meta.

Movie #3
- One week from retirement.
- Car chase.
- A dog next to a broken window.
- This gravel road leads to a restaurant in fog.
- 1985 or so to the early 1990s.

Movie #4
- Bad guy.
- Deformed children.
- Lasers or radiation?

Movie #5
- A magic troll... wait - no, a dragon.

January 20, 2012

Unpromising Jokes for Perverts

1 - A man walks into a strip club and orders a piece of bacon which he then eats with a spoon. The bartender asks him why he's eating bacon with a spoon. The man angrily replies, "Why is a strip club serving bacon at the bar?!"

2 - A kitten is stuck in a tree. A Good Samaritan comes along and asks the kitten why it's in the tree. The kitten says "It was a personal goal. I just needed to see if I could do it. You know?" The Samaritan does know. He's glad to have had this brief interaction with a motivational feline.

3 - A naked man enters an elevator filled with six obviously pregnant women. The elevator gets stuck between the seventh and eighth floors. The naked man tells the women that he knows how to pass the time until their rescue: He asks each women about their hopes for their children; because he believes that children are the future. The women all share this sentiment. They become close friends. One of them even names her baby after the man. (His name was Lawrence.)

4 - A teenage girl is buying condoms at a drug store. The pharmacist asks her if she knows how to use condoms. She does not; she thought she was buying plastic gloves. She can't believe she did that.

5 - A young married couple is camping in a very remote location. A bear with an erection pays them a late night visit. The wife notices that the bear seems to be trying to have sex with a tree. She films it, and posts it to YouTube. It gets 300 million views in one week.

6 - A businessman is out for an early morning run when he sees a naked woman running madly on the opposite sidewalk. Her long hair is on fire. The man laughs because he is a huge asshole.

7 - A distraught woman, her romantic dreams and hopes destroyed, jumps from a high building. Halfway down, a magical fairy appears and tells her that she'll grant the woman three wishes. The woman says, "Let there be a great, handsome man on the sidewalk to catch me." The magical fairy adds, "I meant more like easy wishes. I'm new at this."

8 - The teacher is talking about rockets. Little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, Johnny, you have a question?" Johnny asks, "Can you fit a rocket in your pocket?" The teacher's face flushes, "No, Johnny, a rocket is too big." Johnny replies, "And it rhymes with 'pocket!'" Many of Johnny's classmates agree. A couple of them giggle, but they don't know why. They are quite young.

9 - How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, the other to let the first hooker sit on her shoulders. The ceiling is over eight feet high.

January 19, 2012

Board Games for the Very Lonely

Monopsony - one buyer, all the money, two dice included as a cruel joke

Tic - not even the fun, involuntary, musculature kind, a 3 x 3 grid of short-lived eternity

So, So Sorry - return to start, return to start, return to start

Chutes - you hurt the cat with the broken cookie jar then threw them both through the hole in the ice to hide the evidence

Othello - try to pretend it's a racially diverse community, keep trying

Checker - you can't lose, you can't win, absolutely no one will king you

Scrabble - all consonants special edition, no anarchic blank tiles

Operation - no touching!

Clue - Jeffrey Dahmer limited set, can you guess who did it?

Twister - for one, otherwise known as better than yoga, but who'll spin the arrow? That's right. Your cat, loser.

Candy Land - because your acid score fell through

Strategergo - ex-Presidents only

Trivial Surrender - no questions, just a board and a white, pie-shaped flag

Decommissioned Battleship - tours at noon and 4 p.m., Mondays and Thursdays only

Life - the board just keeps unfolding

January 18, 2012

How to Suffer with Dignity

1 - Point out how much less dignity other sufferers are displaying.

2 - Pose for more stately portraits than you typically would.

3 - Hold a child's hand serenely during a quiet sunset. Make sure your professional photographer is ready.

4 -  Survey friends and family about how they can better support you. Release results at press conference.

5 - Rewrite your will to include as many cute animals as possible.

6 - Steadfastly refuse to go to a strip club everyday.

7 - Entitle your autobiography: "I Have Suffered, But With Dignity."

8 - Stab dignity  in the stomach  Let dignity do the same to you. Insist on sharing a hospital room afterward.

9 - Remind everyone that perpetual self pity, crying, lashing out, blaming loved ones, and screaming at nurses are key steps toward your goal of world peace.

10 - Entitle your self-help book: "Suffering Your Way To Dignity!"

11 - Communicate with the world using only a carrier pigeon dressed in a tuxedo.

12 - Insist on living out your final days surrounded by the friends and family you tolerate best.

13 - Assign guilt for your suffering, but only through proper legal channels.

January 13, 2012

What Brendon Will Write About In His Guest Column For The Northfield News

1 - My wholehearted embrace of the neoconservative awareness of education's dangers.

2 - Drugs, but just the ones that make you a better and trendier person.

3 - What love's got to do with it - the definitive answer.

4 - Words I mumble behind the backs of nervous people.

5 - How many words I have left before I reach the column's 500-word limit, updated word by word.

6 - Everyone who has ever hurt me and their current, most important computer passwords.

7 - Unconventional and treacherous uses for the semicolon.

8 - Dogs that I think are assholes.

9 - The launch of my new magazine, Modern Vowel!

January 10, 2012

What Do Atheists Do All Day?

Possibility #1 - Pray to their ungod to conceal himself in the most obtuse and far-fetched way possible so the atheists can cite this as proof that he obviously is not there.

Possibility #2 - Watch TV.

Possibility #3 - Meet in secular dens to plot how to beat Jesus in ping-pong; as it is written in the final chapter of the Atheist Lible: The Book of Recreations.

Possibility #4 - Kill themselves because of the stark lack of meaning in their lives.

Possibility #5 - Just run around, fucking everything.

Possibility #6 - Lurk.

Possibility #7 - Believe in the miracle of double-blind, controlled, replicable, peer-reviewed research.

Possibility #8 - Joyfully lift their voices upward, but not too high.

Possibility #9 - Find their unique purpose in helpfully canned structures and rituals.

Possibility #10 - Skulk.

Possibility #11 - Continuously deny the existence of a supreme being because they're a bunch of grumpybutts.

Possibility #12 - Abandon their families at the first sign of trouble.

Possibility #13 - Argue for preferential treatment of sociopaths, criminals and politicians who have not found God.

Possibility #14 - Have a hard time texting "OMG!"

Possibility #15 - Bug their physician to refer them to the top soulectomist in their provider network.

Possibility #16 - Invade other countries that refuse to not believe properly.

January 8, 2012

Other Rules for FIGHT CLUB

Rule 9 -  Bleeding is a choice.

Rule 15 -  Upon agreement of the combatants and at least one audience member, a movie may be watched instead.  (See addendum for approved selection of titles.)

Rule 17 When entering the fighting area - be it a darkened, abandoned warehouse; darkened, abandoned loading dock attached to a darkened, abandoned warehouse; darkened, abandoned basement of darkened, abandoned warehouse; the darkened, glass-strewn, abandoned premises of a darkened, abandoned warehouse or warehouses;  the darkened, abandoned, humorously dystopian machinery line in a darkened, abandoned warehouse; or a brightly lit meadow wonderland with peace-dust twinkle fairies flitting home from their 18-hour shift breaking glass outside a darkened, abandoned warehouse - one must display a readiness to fight by loudly proclaiming something along the lines of "I am ready to fight," or "Hey! Let's fight now."  (Doffing your cap to your opponent is now, as it has always been, optional.)

Rule 18 -  Snacks are not necessary per se, but most people like a little something.  Nothing fancy.

Rule 22 -  All liability waivers must be filed, in triplicate, with the legal department no less than two (2) weeks before a fight.

Rule 27 -  To prevent excessive injuries, fighters should announce the intended target of each punch, slap, blow, kneeing or kick.

Rule 29 -  The victor of each fight will be determined by a standard consensus process of all in attendance.  This should be done in the nearest available conference room.

Rule 38 -  The first three (3) feet of gauze wrap is free during the fight season.  Each additional foot will be charged to the fighter's Fight Club debit card at the rate of one (1) dollar and fifty (50) cents per foot.  (Frequent fighters should consider the bulk gauze option: two (2) feet of gauze free with every ten (10) feet used.  See the Supplies Office for a punch card.)

Rule 40 -  Fighters may not skip for more than thirty (30) seconds total during an individual fight.

Rule 43 -  Taunting of one's opponent, while distasteful, is allowed within the following guidelines:
          - Each taunt must be followed by a compensatory positive affirmation of roughly equal length and sincerity;
          - No profanity;
          - No reference to an opponent's maternal lineage;
          - No reference may to an opponent's past or current chemical addictions;
          - Specificity of taunt should not outweigh creativity.

Rule 44 - Grievances alleging violations of the taunting guidelines may be lodged with the Taunt Aberration Investigation Committee (TAIC) on the third floor.  Please list the nature of alleged violations along with all examples used during the fight.  Video of the fight or dramatic re-enactments are allowed in lieu of written lists.

Rule 48 - Christmas Eve fights must end before six (6) p.m.

Rule 61 - Deaths should be reported to the medical investigation unit at extension 7813 within fifteen (15) minutes.

Rule 77 - Spectators displaying loud or boorish behavior will be asked to leave.  No exceptions.

Rule 83 - Fighters must park in the red lot.  Parking vouchers good for ninety (90) minutes are available at the reception desk in the lobby.

Rule 88 - Towels are never supplied by Fight Club.

Rule 91 - Showers are limited to five (5) minutes at a water temperature of one hundred and five (105) degrees.  Shower sandals must be worn.

Rule 102 - Violations of six (6) or more of these rules during an individual fight season will be referred to the  Rules Committee for consideration of a public hearing for the defendant.

Rule 103 - Defendants must wear a shirt and shoes during all Rules Committee proceedings.

Rule 119 - Apart from appropriate legal counsel, mental health therapists, social workers, medical professionals or clergy, you may not talk about the rules of Fight Club, International, its subsidiary organizations, or related charitable groups.

Rule 120 - Apart from appropriate legal counsel, mental health therapists, social workers, medical professionals or clergy, you may not talk about the rules of Fight Club, International, its subsidiary organizations, or related charitable groups.