August 23, 2008

Brendon Etter Takes a Moment from Campaigning to Deliver A Heartfelt Message of Olympic Inspiration

When in the course of my often superhuman events, I can lose track of the simple things and people in the world.

The glory of a sporting spectacle like the Olympics reminds me of how meaningless this mayoral contest seems when compared to the valor of amateur athletic competition of such magnificent caliber.

Often I feel as if the Olympics inspire me often nearly as much as I do.

They don't actually, but they come close.

So, as a community, I am asking that Northfield come together around the uplifting narrative of this international contest and put all petty political contests aside for the duration of the events in Beijing.

Can't we enjoy the collective artistry of the world's greatest athletes and competitors without sinking into the mire of wretched political potshots?

I know I can.

I doubt my miserable bastard opponents will.

Because they suck.

They're just ugly dickwads who engage in playground name-calling and bullying.

Sadly, they also want to continue to subject Northfielders to the photocopied pablum they pass off as platforms.

I won't stoop under their low, low bars for human behavior and interaction.

I am a candidate for mayor precisely because I can bring change and a new enlightened age to local politics by focusing on only the positive aspects of...

What.... ?


The Olympics are...

They're done?

Like in another day, and that's it?

Ahhh... fuck this then.

August 15, 2008

Brendon Etter Speaketh. You Listeneth. Video with Brendon Ineth It.

Video! You've heard of that, right? It's all over the Inter Wide Compu Web! I do not have the time to explain how it works, but I swear that I'm moving(!) in the little picture window on my computer machine!

This is called "video," or, more scientifically, "compuvideopictureshow." It's real! It's here! It's me!

Thanks to a visibly distraught, nearly terrified, Bonnie Obremski, and her technical-ologist, Raul, my moving image has been subtly rendered for over 9 minutes! (She promised me 10 minutes, but then again, she probably wouldn't have been able to hold herself back if she stayed around much longer. I have that effect on women.)

While she very cleverly cut out the parts where she spoke about her desperate battle with air addiction and where you could actually hear her copious drooling, I thought Bonnie handled herself bravely in the face of my unrelenting good looks.

Raul, on the other hand, comported himself in a manner most unpleasant, constantly asking when he could leave, and trying to peek down Bonnie's shirt. None too couth, that man.

I'll let the video speak for itself, or rather I will speak on the video itself, or rather it will be me on the video myself speaking.

Check it here. And by "check", I mean "click". You know like, "click yourself, before you dick yourself... over."

In other news:

Sorry for the campaign silence recently. I have been hampered by the complicated firing and rehiring of my longtime campaign strategist and sandwich artist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, SST, OMG.

I have many bits of information to share in articles that remain within my queue, and you will have to wait until I am ready to spring them upon you. Why? Because I don't expect you to be able to handle too much glory at once, and I'd rather not be responsible for "shock-and-awesome" syndrome among the hoi polloi.

Still waiting on yard signs. Make your reservation for one, two or more than one right here in the comments section. I'm toying with many different varieties, all bearing slogans a cowardly politician wouldn't dare touch.

I will try my damnedest to get this video phenomenon installed on the yard signs.

The public demands it!

Go away now.

Thank me.

I'm welcome.

August 8, 2008

Brendon Etter Fires His Chief Campaign Adviser

In Northfield today, improbably gorgeous leading write-in mayoral candidate, Brendon Etter, shocked the world.

He has fired long-time campaign adviser, strategist and mini-golf enthusiast, Britt Ackerman, LLC, TNT, ICUP, in a shake up of his dominant candidacy.

"Britt just wasn't working out any longer," a brave Etter reported.

"Sure, our campaign is trouncing the others, we have no chance of losing come November, but I don't see that as a reason to rest on our laurels."

"I worked my ass off for that beautiful, glorious bastard," said a visibly shaken Ackerman before being whisked away to an undisclosed meditation compound on a bulletproof black scooter.

Etter would not go into detail as to the nature or reasons of the dismissal, except to say that Ackerman seemed "unwilling to humiliate our opponents to the fullest extent possible."

"I can't accept such well-meaning complacency," Etter declared.

"Britt's work for our campaign was solid, but we need something solider than solid. Something supersolid even. I don't want to get too metaphorical, because Britt's a real diamond, but we need a diamond encased in another diamond inside an elephant that knows how to kickbox while wearing a suit of diamond-clad armor."

"Britt wasn't willing to rise to that level. Naturally, therefore, we had to separate ourselves from her."

Etter indicated this action may have been too hasty, and that he was willing to concede that Ackerman's role in his campaign might yet be re-instated.

"We will be asking Britt to file suit against herself for her slight underperformance, and, if she successfully loses that lawsuit against herself, then we can admit that we were wrong in firing her."

"I'm extremely mature and handsome, and can admit my mistakes," said Etter. "If it turns out that the court finds Britt did not underperform, we would immediately hire her back as chief campaign adviser."

Etter warned, however, that it will be a tough case for Ackerman to lose.

"She's very good."

August 7, 2008

Brendon Etter, Sexy Mayoral Candidate, Tells Northfield about His Affair

Dear Citizen Units of Northfield,

My love for all in my realms is storied in the generations of men and animals who have been kissed by my majestical majesty.

I married my wife more than sixteen years ago. It has been uninterrupted, unstinting bliss for more than one-quarter of those years for almost half of us.

Lately, however, a new girl has caught my eye.

Her name is Democracy.

Democracy has just moved to town, and She is filled with the ideals and procedures that will help Northfield rise from the ashes of sad bickering, duplicitous self-interest, passive-aggressive posturing and ill-tempered incompetence that has dominated local politics for too long.

We first met at a party I attended for Oligarchy's 450th birthday over at Autocracy's compound. The second She walked into the room and was clubbed for a bit by Autocracy's Phantom Police Force - standard operating procedure for parties at Auto's place - I knew that this political system was worth further research.

She handled the beating so well, so stoically, almost with confidence and a pride that flowed from Her support by the common man. Luckily for me, the common man wasn't with Her on this fateful night.

Just me. An uncommon man.

Within minutes, She was chatting me up in a corner of Autocracy's panopticon surveillance tower. I calmly repaired the fabric of Her gown torn by Auto's thugs, and She assured me that all my scars and bruises from Northfield's past two years would heal with a little sunlight, transparency and honest deliberation from the people.

Sensing that our ideals matched perfectly and showing great interest in my mayoral campaign, we repaired to the seclusion of the assassination cabana and discussed my upcoming election.

"Will it be hard for you," She whispered.

"For both of us," I replied.

"I can help you with that," She said.

I spent the next several minutes probing further into this beautiful form of government, giving it all I could muster. I had to learn the ins and outs of Her processes and Her many positions.

My research reached a fevered pace. I was completely lost in the moment. Then I passed out.

When I came to, I caught only a momentary glimpse of Her glamourous, yet universal, evening gown as the soundproofed iron door of the cabana closed behind Her.

I was alone.

No matter.

She had made Her impact. I would be, forever, Hers.

I had never felt better about myself. My brief time with Her taught me so much about spreading her glory to all the people.

Democracy has shown me the way.

Democracy has the ability to resurrect this town.

Democracy has the power to save our world, one election at a time.

Democracy has an amazing ass.

August 6, 2008

Brendon Etter, Sensual Leading Write-In Mayoral Candidate, Releases Enemies List to the Public

While I've duly established that I have bountiful love for all of my creatures, there are people that I find it necessary to hate.

I know all too well that hate paralyzes society's present and condemns its future; so I hate, not out of hate, but instead out of animus, extreme disrespect, and generalized loathing.

I steer clear of hate, except when absolutely vital to serve my interests and the interests of my campaign.

It would be very, very time consuming to list all of my enemies here by name; instead, I am electing (good word!) to list the logical means by which someone - anyone really - could potentially be considered among my enemies.

I find that configuring the list this way allows for the hate to flow more naturally - shrinking or expanding in real time as people enter or leave any of the groups described below.

This is crucial because, if there's one thing hate cannot abide, it is being constrained from hating in an open, affirming and inclusive manner.

Hate hates that.

So, in the spirit of letting my hate run free to hate as hate must, I present the following people who must consider themselves as part of my enemies list:

1. My enemies

2. Friends of my enemies

3. Friends of friends of my enemies

4. Facebook or MySpace friends of my enemies

5. People not observing my love-embargo with my enemies

6. Parents of my enemies

7. Friends of parents of my enemies

8. Parents of friends of my enemies

9. Friends of parents of friends of my enemies

10. Enemies of my friends

11. Friends of enemies of my friends

12. Friends of friends of enemies of my friends

13. Friends of friends of enemies of my friends of friends

14. The New York Yankees

15. The parents of the friends of my enemies of my friends

16. All other relatives of my enemies

17. The friends of all other relatives of my enemies

18. My other enemies

19. People who own or operate restaurants or stores where my enemies eat or shop

20. People who work at restaurants or stores where my enemies eat or shop

21. Friends and relatives of people who work at or own or operate restaurants or stores where my enemies eat or shop

22. Pets of my enemies

23. People who live too close to my enemies or the places where they or their friends or their relatives eat or shop or go to school or worship or loiter.

24. People who eat or shop at restaurants or stores who also feed or serve my enemies or the friends of my enemies or the relatives of my enemies or my other enemies

25. Pets of my friends

26. Any mechanical or electrical device used by my enemies or the friends of my enemies or the relatives of my enemies or those who sold or fixed those devices

27. Enemies of the friends of the friends of the enemies of my enemies

28. That one guy

29. Pets of the pets of my enemies

30. People who are not Facebook friends of my friends or my Facebook friends

31. Plants of my enemies

32. Friends of the plants of my enemies

33. People who are not with us

34. Plants of that one guy

35. Facebook

36. Friends of the parents of the pets of the plants of my Facebook enemies

37. Most of southern California

38. Portions of my enemies and their relatives and friends and pets not yet listed

39. Plants of the pets of the friends of my enemies

40. The dead friends of my dead enemies and their relatives and friends of their relatives living and/or dead

41. Enemies to be named later

42. Other

There may be more to add, but this small list will suffice for now.

Thank you for your support.

August 5, 2008

Brendon Etter Introduces a New Cologne

Brendon Etter, the embarrassingly gifted and sparkling leading write-in candidate for Northfield mayor, today released an official cologne to complement his award-winning campaign.

"I am just so excited to be putting this new scent on the market. It tested so well in our focus groups that we actually were able to charge focus group participants just for the opportunity to smell it," related Etter.

"We want regular people to enjoy the sorely-needed opportunity to experience just a little bit of the thrill that comes from being me."

The cologne, called simply "Mayor", was refined from over forty different pheremones harvested directly from Etter's body using nanoservo motors. Etter has gone on record as saying that an extra, secret ingredient replicated for Mayor can never be disclosed due to sensitive industry secrets.

"We would be shooting our competitive advantage in the groin if we divulged the extra ingredient, but I do know that it is an extremely special chemical, because it came from me."

Britt Ackerman, LLC, DMZ, CDB, Etter's campaign spokesmodel, gourmand and attorney, called the scent of Mayor, "unambiguous, there's no question when you spray it on your wrists that you positively reek of victory. Victory and saffron."

The cologne should hit the shelves of fine boutiques and city halls everywhere within the month. It starts at $450 per ounce, and comes in a distinctive Etter-shaped stainless steel container.

Ackerman clarified that the somewhat high price was to be expected because "fifty percent of all sales go to a very worthy cause - our campaign."

Brendon Etter Extends Northfield's Apology Deadline; Offers Application for Forgiveness

While I have certainly and unambiguously filed a third lawsuit against the City of Northfield for the failure of a select few to apologize for potentially not voting for me, I am today announcing a willingness to generously extract that lawsuit if I can get sincere apologies from those holdouts.

I offer this opportunity to all of you so that you might all see the benefit in persuading our most stubborn and ill-informed compatriots to apologize. I'm sure you would hate to have to go through yet another lawsuit, but, absent these apologies, I am left no other option.

Sue I must.

I am, however, a forgiving man, and I want to forgive all of you, but I need apologies on which to base my forgiveness.

As a forgiving man, I am a man who forgives. In my forgiving forgiveness, I am a steadfast man of forgivitude. In this forgiving spirit, I have provided the following Likert scale Application for Consideration of Forgiveness.

If I receive all the completed applications by 5 p.m. this Friday, I will officially withdraw my third lawsuit against Northfield.

(The first two lawsuits remain active. Certainly, I must be protected.)

Here is the application.

(Print it out and mail it to me, fill it out and send the answers via e-mail, or list your answers in the comments section. All are acceptable.)


1. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 = sorry and 10 = extremely sorry, complete this sentence: "Brendon, I was not going to write-in your name for Northfield mayor; for this irresponsible and wicked act, I am very, very __________."

2. On a scale of 1 to 2, with 1 = not thinking and 2 = too dumb for words, complete this sentence:
"I'm not sure why I planned not to write-in your name for Northfield mayor; I was clearly _________."


3. On a scale of 1 to 37, with 1 = I am sincere and 37 = I am hugely-super-hyper-spastic sincere, complete the following sentence: " _________________."

4. On a scale of 2 to 2.22: How much do you agree with what you answered in question 3? _____

5. On a scale of 11 to X: Do you mean it? _____

6. On a scale of of 1 to pi: You're not just saying that, are you? ______

7. On a scale of seriously to seriously: Seriously? _______


8. On a scale of 100 to infinity, complete the following statement: "To underline my commitment, Brendon, I am enclosing a check / money order / cash / credit card donation of $________ to you and your campaign.

Thank you for completing this form. Your apology, if judged to be sufficiently apologetic and sincere, will be taken into consideration. Until such time as you hear from us, consider yourself in a state of pre-forgiveness.

That must feel much better for you.

August 4, 2008

Brendon Etter Will Jump the Cannon River Using Only the Power of Love

Dear Simple Citizens of Northfield,

For thousands of years, men have visited Northfield and stared in wide-eyed amazement at the vast power of the Cannon River as it rushes past between its east and west banks.

All these men have yearned for one thing: sex with strangers.

Most of them have also yearned for a ramp and a motorcycle powerful enough to hurl themselves across the majesty of its waters and carp.

These men have all failed to accomplish this noble task because they pinned their chances to an Earth-bound, mechanical object.

They did not realize, or realized too late after being devoured by carp, that a motorcycle is no match for the human heart.

What is physical will always fail you. That is why I have taken a different approach to this heroic venture. I am going to jump the Cannon River using simply the awesome power of love.

Negative and cynical voters might see this as some sort of cheap publicity stunt by a desperate write-in mayoral candidate. I say no! You must not, cannot be negative!

I do not stoop to meaningless, easy publicity stunts. My love is meaning itself. My motorcycle was not cheap; it cost nearly twenty thousand bucks on eBay.

And, if you think it's been easy refining a gallon of gasoline from the blood and heart tissue scraped from inside my heart, then you're simply wrong or uninformed.

The surgery lasted for thirty hours alone. My petrochemical engineers have been trying everything in their textbooks to create a gallon of gas while I have been recovering in intensive care for four months.

I'm still weak, and having great difficulty standing upright, but I've got over one-half gallon of 50-octane, slightly pulpy "Red Fire" in the tank, and the desire to uplift all you sad denizens in this great town!

That, my friends, is not a cheap publicity stunt by a desperate candidate; it is a defiant stab at elevating your wretched existence by a surgically-compromised, dizzyingly-attractive man.

That is love.

That is your mayor.

That is I.


Special treat:

Brendon Etter Sues the City a Third Time

Citing "intransigent idiocy" on the part of Northfield voters, Brendon Etter, through his attorney, aide-de-camp and ping-pong strategist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, S&M, PYT, issued a third lawsuit against the city on behalf of his write-in mayoral campaign.

"Do they know how much harm they are causing themselves," a visibly dumbfounded Etter queried rhetorically while hovering seventeen feet above his campaign headquarters.

"I gave them more than five days to apologize for possibly not voting for me! I even gave them a suggested template to submit, and yet, as of the deadline, I had received apologies from under eighty percent of potentially offending voters," puzzled Etter, "and most of the YouTube apology videos lacked style. Some were barely audible."

"I can't accept that."

Etter praised the resilience of voters who have tolerated the "befuddling obstinacy" of the remaining non-apologizers. "I was very close to not suing all those who had apologized, but Britt mentioned that, if they really felt sorry, they could have made the others apologize as well."

"I will not tolerate this lack of drive on the part of our citizens. To do so would be to sell Northfield short. I will never sell Northfield short. I will keep suing and suing and suing the great citizens of this wonderful town until they reach their fullest potential!"

Ackerman believes that this third lawsuit could easily be settled out of court with limited expenses to be passed on to the taxpayers, "Other than the heavy compensatory damages we're seeking, of course."

"The greater the compensation we push for, the better we motivate citizens toward self-actualization," asserted Ackerman.

Ackerman added that she felt "so proud of my candidate - a humble man of humble needs and quiet, beautiful lawsuits."

"When most people sue the city, it's just brusque and perfunctory. When Brendon sues Northfield, it's because he cares. He cares about all of us. It's from his heart." stressed Ackerman, brushing aside a single tear that clung to her check and caught the light just so.

August 3, 2008

Brendon Etter Takes a Brave Stand on Murder

Frequently, in this campaign, people bother me with questions about the things which trouble their little minds.

I take these concerns seriously. It's hard not to, people really look up to my extreme beauty and intelligence.

Being exceptional can drag most people down, but not me. When I feel burdened by my amazingness, I simply look at the person asking me the important question and remember that I'm much better than him or her.

I feel, as their inherent superior, it is my duty to tell people the right answers to their questions.

One question I hear over and over concerns my thoughts about murder. Am I for it or against it?

I have to wonder where my opponents are on this question? Have they not had plenty of time to formulate and present their views on murder to the public? Have they been too busy to address the topic?

Do they simply not care?

Sad as it may seem, not a single one of my opponents in November's mayoral race has come forth on "the murder issue."

I will again put myself out there and take what lumps may come my way. I must take a brave, stalwart and handsome stance against murder.

That's right. Once again, I, Brendon Etter, have taken a very public position on a controversial topic that other candidates won't touch.

I will state it again, so there can be no doubt as to my sincerity and bravery: I believe murder is wrong.

What's more, I believe murder is wrong more than half the time!

I know in condemning roughly 55% of all murders that I risk alienating some murderers and murder supporters as well as everyone who is the pocket of Big Murder, but I refuse to play politics with something this serious.

Those who prevaricate because of my strong stance against a majority of murders can just take their votes and run to the camp of one of my apparently pro-murder opponents. I say to those people: "Run away if you must. Yours is a vote I do not need! Unless you're willing to vote for me."

I realize this article may have shocked some who were heretofore advocates of my campaign. They should remember one important fact about my uncompromising integrity on the issues - I'm still very much for most cute kittens.

Thank you for your time.

Run along now.

That's a good little voter.