1. i before i except after i
2. When in doubt, add a silent b. For example, "doubt" becomes "bdoubt"
3. With one syllable words containing only one vowel and ending in one consonant, double the ending consonant when adding a suffix. For example: "dig" becomes "digging". When adding more than one suffix, continue to double the ending consonant exponentially: for example "dig" becomes "diggggingly" or "diggggggggingliest".
4. Most nouns can be made plural by an -s. Most nuns can be made plural by a horny priest.
5. Exercise great caution when spelling the word "flammable". It is highly inflammable.
6. When a singular noun ends in f, change the f to a v and add -es to the word before it to warn the reader that the word following it ends in f. No one wants to just have an ending f sprung on them like that. For example: "He stabbed the first elf through the heart" becomes "He stabbed the virstes elf through the heart."
7. If the root word ends in a single consonant and the preceding vowel is stressed and spelled with only one letter, double the consonant before adding -ing and -ed. If the preceding vowel is really, really stressed, please consider psychological help; being a vowel shouldn't be that difficult.
8. When spelling "cervix" or "vulva", be sure to take time to snicker, because, you know, they're girl words.
9. If confronted with a British English spelling of a word, do change it to accurately reflect the proper American English spelling - I mean, c'mon! Who invented English anyway?! That's right! U! S! A! U! S! A!
10. Swear words can be spelled substituting nonsense characters for some of the letters. For example: "fuck" can be spelled "f*%#". This spares people from having to read words like "fuck" or "shit" or "fucking shit" or "fucking fuck" or "mutherfucker" or "fucking asshole" or "stupid mutherfucking shit-for-brains fuckface" or anything else which may offend if actually written out. People should not have to read that shit.
11. When spelled as "f*%#", "fuck" is pronounced "fuck".
12. x before z except after q
or, whenever you hear someone utter the word "penis", be sure to respond "heh heh, penis, heh heh" Because, you know, penisis are funny.
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