Absurd Spelling Rules for the English Language

1. i before i except after i

2. When in doubt, add a silent b. For example, "doubt" becomes "bdoubt"

3. With one syllable words containing only one vowel and ending in one consonant, double the ending consonant when adding a suffix. For example: "dig" becomes "digging". When adding more than one suffix, continue to double the ending consonant exponentially: for example "dig" becomes "diggggingly" or "diggggggggingliest".

4. Most nouns can be made plural by an -s. Most nuns can be made plural by a horny priest.

5. Exercise great caution when spelling the word "flammable". It is highly inflammable.

6. When a singular noun ends in f, change the f to a v and add -es to the word before it to warn the reader that the word following it ends in f. No one wants to just have an ending f sprung on them like that. For example: "He stabbed the first elf through the heart" becomes "He stabbed the virstes elf through the heart."

7. If the root word ends in a single consonant and the preceding vowel is stressed and spelled with only one letter, double the consonant before adding -ing and -ed. If the preceding vowel is really, really stressed, please consider psychological help; being a vowel shouldn't be that difficult.

8. When spelling "cervix" or "vulva", be sure to take time to snicker, because, you know, they're girl words.

9. If confronted with a British English spelling of a word, do change it to accurately reflect the proper American English spelling - I mean, c'mon! Who invented English anyway?! That's right! U! S! A! U! S! A!

10. Swear words can be spelled substituting nonsense characters for some of the letters. For example: "fuck" can be spelled "f*%#". This spares people from having to read words like "fuck" or "shit" or "fucking shit" or "fucking fuck" or "mutherfucker" or "fucking asshole" or "stupid mutherfucking shit-for-brains fuckface" or anything else which may offend if actually written out. People should not have to read that shit.

11. When spelled as "f*%#", "fuck" is pronounced "fuck".

12. x before z except after q