1. When parting company with you, people invariably make air quotes with their fingers when saying "good-bye".
2. Telemarketers hang up on you.
3. You invade foreign countries to distract from your stunning inability to form coherent domestic policies, productive international agreements, articulate thoughts and most common English words over two syllables long.
4. Despite lowering the price to under nine hundred dollars, none of your neighbors has yet to purchase the rights to eating peanut butter off your testicles.
5. You start almost every sentence with "When I was in film school".
6. Despite your inept law enforcement ability and your suspect association with the corrupt and the corpulent, you still insist that you're going to capture Bo and Luke Duke one of these days.
7. You actually are right about everything.
8. Someone drew a moustache on your picture on the flyer you posted advertising the next meeting of the Kute Kitten Killing Klub.
9. Your therapist starts dropping hints about where you might find some high-grade cyanide.
10. The Lord tells you "When you saw only one deep set of footprints in the sand, it was then that you insisted I give you another damn piggyback ride, lardass."
11. Opened fire on the President; missed.
12. You are chosen as "totally the best singer ever" by the very discerning Pre-Teen Girls Popular Music Appreciation Society.