WHAT I MEANT TO SAY / WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID
1. Please pass the salt. / I hate you so much.
2. Can I stab you in the stomach with this knife? / Can I stab you in the tummy with this knife?
3. I like to listen to music too much. / I like too listen two music to much.
4. Can I put my penis in your cat? / Can I put my penis in your pussy?
5. I love you. / Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the communist party?
6. Where the fuck are my keys? / Where the fucking fuck are my keys?
7. You misunderestimated me. / I'm the decider.
8. Turn your head and cough. / I love you.
9. Asshole. / No, I thought your review of my play was well-informed and insightful.
10. The sentence I'm going to accidentally say is true. / The sentence I meant to say was false.
11. Hello. / Hi.
12. Can I put my penis in your pussy? / Can I put this penis I found on the sidewalk in your pussy?
13. Potato. / Potato.
14. Dear God! NO! NO! / Yes, please do shoot me in the head with that shotgun.
15. I won't do it; because I am an autonomous individual, and I alone possess the power to make responsible choices for myself based on what I want to do. / Yes, dear.