Reasons Why I Might Hit You on the Head with a Hammer

For today, I thought I should offer some justification for my behavior. Should it happen, that is.

It would be very unfortunate for you to be in critical condition in the hospital and, on top of the bleeding, swelling, unconsciousness, pain and perhaps bewildering sexual excitement, you were also confused as to why I crushed your skull with a hammer.

My motto has always been: I maim, but I care.


1. You were sexually assaulting the hammer, and I felt it would only be poetic justice.

2. We were practicing your headers into the net off corner kicks, and I had a giant mesh bag with soccer balls, except the last "soccer ball" was a hammer, and instead of kicking it to you from the corner, I ran toward you, yelling, "This is really a soccer ball in my hand!" and "Stand still!"

3. The nail in your skull just needed one more good smack to be flush.

4. To build character - maybe yours, maybe mine, maybe a character in my moving new biopic.

5. Because you knew... too... much.

6. Trying to impress Jodie Foster.

7. Bad hammer-eye coordination, resulting in the hammer hitting your head, not your eye.

8. For the punchline of a very funny joke that you probably wouldn't understand if I took the time to explain it.

9. Trying to impress this woman who said she sorta-kinda knows Jodie Foster.

10. My experiment to see which would fall fastest, a hammer or a grand piano, ended badly, but not as badly as it would have had you been standing under the grand piano.

11. I was rendered temporarily mad by all the flash photography.

12. You said you knew a secret, and I wanted to see what it was.

13. Trying to hit Jodie Foster's head, but you were making out with her.

14. To get your attention.

15. Listened to the Beatles' "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" backwards, and it sounded like frustrating gibberish devoid of hidden instructions; so I hit you on the head to calm myself down.

16. Because it was there.

17. My new hammer was advertised as "strong enough to stand up to your toughest challenges," and I always considered you one of those, or at least the head part of you.

18. I just get, I don't know... excited, I guess.

19. Other.