Great Gifts for Stupid Christmas That My Stupid Parents or Stupid Santa Never Gave Me

I was a very good kid. I rarely got in trouble. Straight A's. No drugs ingested or dealt. Clean room. Meticulous mower of lawns. Student leader. Athlete. Awkward enough to keep the dangerous girls away.

Yet, I never got these items that were on my wish list for stupid Christmas nearly every stupid year.

Why? What more did I need to do?

Stupid parents.

Stupid Santa.

Why so stupid?

Here's a compilation of awesome gifts unsent, unreceived, un-unwrapped over the years.


1. A bee who didn't play by the book, or the rules, or the rules in the book and solved crimes his own way (Bonus: One week from retirement)

2. Tickle-Me-Adolf (Bonus: Beachwear limited edition)

3. Saliva in party flavors (Bonus: Daisy Duke-endorsed)

4. A rookie bee who did everything by the book to be paired with #1. (Bonus: Crisp suit and tie)

5. iwillsurvivePod (Bonus: 1979 version, about 22 years before it hit the market. It came with both of Gloria Gaynor's hits and a touch disco ball interface.)

6. The rotting entrails of my vanquished foe (Bonus: Mysterious third kidney)

7. Blissful contentment (Bonus: Trial pack of contentful blissment)

8. Horsey! (Bonus: Horsie! Bonus-Bonus: Whorsey! (Actually the same horse in a miniskirt and highhoof shoes))

9. Some of Canada (Bonus: Timber rights)

10. Perfect understanding of the vagaries of the human condition (Bonus: Came with Space Invaders)

11. Bonuses (Bonus: Bonus)

12. A bee who didn't give a damn about you or your town - a bee who was beyond and above the law (Bonus: Tiny pack of cigs rolled in his sleeve)