Goldilocks and the Twenty-Three Bears - A Parable of Consumerism
Great Uncle Bear
Uncle Bear's Special Live-In Friend That No One Talks About- Especially Auntie Bear
Big Cousin Bear
Medium Cousin Bear
Little Cousin Bear
Other Brother Bear
Other Other Brother Bear
Step Brother Bear
Little Sister Bear
Baby Sister Bear
Baby Half Sister Bear
Little Foster Bear
Teenage Foster Bear
Teenage Foster Bear's Illegitimate Baby Bear
Runaway Second Cousin Bear Who's Just Staying Until He Gets His Head A Little Straighter And Has Some Time To Think About Stuff, Ya Know
Narrator: In a loud and chaotic McMansion in what used to be the deep, deep forest, but, now, thanks to suburban sprawl, is just a shallow, shallow strand of trees. The Bear family, or at least the ones that are awake, are eating their morning porridge, or cereal, or Pop Tarts, or bananas and granola, or toast, or two-liter bottles of Diet Coke, or cold pizza from two days ago, or smoking cigarettes, or hiding in their bedrooms and smoking other things, or eggs. There is great excitement in the air! They are going to take a walk to the nearest park and have a barbecue, play some volleyball, frisbee, soccer, tennis, baseball, fly some kites, play with remote control cars, play on the playground equipment, listen to music, play some double dutch, ride their bikes, play in the sand box, do some in-line skating, and many other wonderful and joyous equipment-dependent forms of amusement. And, yes, everyone's going! All twenty-three of them! (lights out on narrator, lights up on house)
Mama Bear: (There is great commotion in the house, kids are fighting, Baby Sister and Baby Half Sister Bear are screaming and crying, Uncle Bear is fighting with Auntie Bear while Uncle Bear's Special Live-In Friend ocassionally throws out a bitter remark toward them both. This noise and commotion continues throughout the scene. The other bears are responsive to Mom's demands, but in generally surly ways. They mope; they fight; they complain about having to do this or that. Mama Bear really has to shout to be heard above all the rancor and complaining and improvisational lines from the rest of the household.) Everyone up! Someone help Papa Bear get the charcoal, lighter fluid and barbecue into the large wagon! Boys get in here and help me pack up these four coolers with the picnic stuff! Now! Stop! Fighting! Move it! Someone wake up Teenage Foster Bear and tell her that her Illegimate Baby Bear has been screaming in his crib for the past thirty minutes! Who's doing in-line skating?! Who?! Then get the skates! C'mon everyone; work with me! We'll clean up the breakfast dishes when we get back. We need the baseball bats and gloves and balls, baseballs, soccer, tennis! If you want to play with it, you bring it! Kites?! Someone grab the kites, should be in the third stall of the garage, up above the old freezer! Get the strollers out, we'll need all three, and grab the diaper bags!! Don't forget the damn diaper bags! Gramps, bring your walker! I know you don't need it, but what if you fall again?! Just bring it!! Gramma, twist his arm on this one, hard!! Get your bikes and helmets if you're bringing those, but you only get to walk the bikes on the way there! We're doing this as a family!! We are WALKING together, as a family! Yes! Everyone! Someone help Papa Bear with the barbecue stuff, now! Put all the balls and racket and bats in the garden wagon, we'll tow them in that. Don't forget blankets! And towels! We always need towels! (Confronting Runaway Second Cousin Bear) Look at your pupils! You can't smoke that shit in the house! I've told you that a dozen times! Yes, you are coming along. I know it's bright outside, put on your shades, and some clean clothes... and brush your teeth, you reek. Alright let's move it! We don't get there soon all the good scratching trees are going to be gone, and Lord knows I need a good sctrach right about now! We are leaving in fifteen! Fifteen! That's one-five minutes! (one of the brother bears approaches) What do you want? Yes! Of course you need to wear pants, young man! What do you think we are, anthropomorphized monkeys!? Come on! Go find a pair now! Alright what else do we need? Oh yeah, someone bring the camera and the video camera! They're in the hallway closet! Ohh! Step Brother Bear, don't forget to take your Adderall! I don't want you melting down on us again when we're just trying to relax as a family! Let's keep moving! Ten minutes! (lights out on house, up on narrator)
Narrator: An hour and a half later, the Bears had everything they needed, and they headed out to the park, only to have a couple of them return five minutes later to pick up the remote control cars, the remote controls and find some batteries for both. Ten minutes later, they were gone. (lights up on outside of house) Now, a very cute, abnormally precocious little girl named Goldilocks came walking down the neatly paved street - there were no sidewalks, poor thing - she saw the very large house and was entranced by its immensity. Imagine what sort of great toys they have in there! thought Goldilocks. She had to find out. She needed to see what the neighbors had. Going to the front door, she found it locked. She went to the lower-level door on the other side of the building, also locked. She tried a third door on the side of the house, again locked. She tried the garage door, locked. She then realized that the home had an elaborate security system in place. Such security systems, however, were no match for the pretty and precocious. She sat on the front porch and cried very dramatically. Eventually, neighbors out for a walk spotted her. Goldilocks told them she had been locked out of her own house with no key. The neighbors took pity on Goldilocks, and, although they lived next door to the Bear family, they had never met them. Therefore, they helped her through the open window above the front door, and left the scene. Then little Goldilocks went to town.
Goldilocks: Holy shit! Look at this place! Man, look at all the food they left out. (Goes to porridge) Ewww... what is this shit? Like oatmeal or something? That's just disgusting... who even eats oatmeal any more? Hmmm... some dried toast (takes a bite) Yuck, what the hell kinda jelly is that... someone got the strawberry mixed up with the KY... gross... eggs... no, I don't think so, one dead bird in every bite. Jesus, don't they eat anything good... oh... what have we here... yes! Pop Tarts! Alright! (takes a bite) Blueberry. Not my favorite, but, it'll do. Oh yeah! Lookie here, four more packages of 'em. Score! And most of a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke! Yes, it's fresh even... (Goldilocks goes on a mad gorge of Pop Tarts and Diet Coke, basically eating and drinking it all in a few seconds. Lets out a huge belch.) Shit! That's the stuff. Now, what else? She finds the opened pack of cigarettes and a lighter. There always telling us not to touch these things... must be really good then! (She lights up, inhales, starts coughing, keeps trying, eventually getting quite good at it, maybe even blowing smoke rings) Oh yeah, this is great! Mmmm... they just taste so good, and I feel so sophisticated!
Narrator: Goldilocks continued her exploration of the house, eventually getting to the family room with its myriad entertainment options.
Goldilocks: (Now, obviously feeling the effects of nine Pop Tarts, 2-liters of Diet Coke, and several cigarettes) Whoaaaa! Check this shit! What is that, an eighty-inch flat screen television? (turns it on, switches through channels at an unbelievable pace) Ahhh, man! They get every channel! Wait, let's see if they get those channels too! (Keeps flipping, eventually landing on a hard-core porn channel) Ha! They do! Horny bastards! (She turns away, finds stereo equipment, starts flipping through CDs, tossing them aside as she discounts each) Hendrix? The Dead? The Moody Blues? Pink Floyd? Gotta be a pothead somewhere in this house. (Sees two different computers) Nice set-up... these are some powerful machines. (Turns them on, then finds the game systems, plugs one in, digs through a bin holding tons of games) Ahh... man.. they don't have it! (Chooses one at random, puts it in. Takes it out almost immediately.) That one sucks. (Does the same again.) Man, they just don't any good games. (Goes back to computer, launches web browser, starts downloading porn, then turns away from the computer, she goes to the far wall where this a full wet bar, with a lot of bottles. She climbs on a stool and pulls some down) Tequila? Jim Beam? Absolut Vodka? Oh, it has a lemon on the bottle. Cool. (She grabs a glass, pours a full glass of vodka) Well, one glass won't hurt me. (She slams it back, then holds her throat and mouth) Ahhh... holy shit... wow! (lots of panting and fanning of her mouth, coughing and sputtering, then she pours herself another, and tries it again, with slightly more success) Hmmmm... I don't really feel that different. Parents don't know shit about this stuff.
Narrator: Soon, however, Goldilocks felt very different. She thought she should probably just lie down for a bit.
Goldilocks: (obviously trashed) Damnit! All these beds smell like animal fur. Totally skanky! There's no place for a girl to sleep! Hey, what are these? Oh yeah, some of my friends take these... yeah (reading label on pill bottle) Add-er-all, I've heard of this. Heard it's some good shit. I'll just take a few. (Pops a handful) Shit, I feel like ass... gotta lay down... I'll try this little bed here. (she lies down, head swirling, making a lot of moaning noises, but does "fall asleep")
Narrator: Poor Goldilocks! She has fallen asleep! Just when the bear family is returning from their day out.
Mama Bear: I don't care how long you had to carry it; it's yours, you put it away! (door opens, bears and a lot of their gear comes slowly into the house, bears fan out all over the house quickly beginning their bickering, commotion and chaos as before)
Big Cousin Bear: (in kitchen) Who the hell ate all the pop tarts! I wanted one! I bet it was one of you guys who came back for the remote control stuff! Jerks.
Other Other Brother Bear: Wasn't us! We just had to find the batteries and stuff!
Sister Bear: Hey, who drank all my Diet Coke? Which one of you bastards drank all this! I bought it with my own money!
Runaway Second Cousin Bear: Chill, girl! It costs about a buck, doesn't it?
Medium Cousin Bear: (coming in from family room, to Uncle Bear) Dad! Dad! Someone been watching porn! And it's still on!
Little Sister Bear: (coming in from family room, also to Uncle Bear) Yeah, and someone's been downloading porn, and it says the file's corrupted!
Step Brother Bear: (coming in from family room) Teenage Foster Bear's hitting the hard stuff again!
Narrator: At this point, Goldilock's system had to have an outlet for the sugar-caffeine-nicotine-alcohol-Adderall mess it was in. Poor Goldilocks was on a jag, big time, and it wasn't pretty. Let's watch!
Goldilocks: (looking like a mad girl, stumbling into main room, she is jittery to the extreme, drunk, high, and nearly incoherent) Wha sa fukk, fukkun bears! Jeess fukkan kryyth! (Goldilocks starts freaking out and goes on a rampage, screaming and babling about anything, throwing dishes, breaking stuff, kicking and attacking the furniture.)
Mama Bear (on her cell phone): Yes! 9-1-1? This is Mama Bear! We have an intruder at our house! 19364 Pine Lot Meadow Ridge Grove Street... right... no, no... not Pine Ridge Meadow Grove Street... Pine Lot Meadow Ridge Grove Street... no... Pine... not, no... Meadow Ridge Grove... not Meadow Grove Ridge, that's one turn past ours...
yes... Grove then Street... yes... Pine Lot Meadow Ridge Street Grove is on the other side of the trees... 19364... yes... thank you! Please hurry!
(Goldilocks is still terrorizing everyone in the house; all is chaos, all is screaming, police sirens approach, two cops run in, point their guns at Goldilocks)
Cop 1 and Cop 2: Freeze! (Goldilocks turns toward the cops and stops.
Cop 1: Put down the spatula, little girl.
(Goldilocks lets out a roar and attacks. Two shots ring out. Goldilocks thumps down heavily on the floor. Then silence.)
Cop 2: Put down the spatula, now! (To the Bears who have moved in to inspect.) Move back! She's still armed!
Cop 1: C'mon girl! Time to cooperate! (Goldilocks doesn't move in any way)
Cop 2: (unloads six or seven more shots into Goldilocks whose body twitches there helplessly, silence, then he says with heroic remorse) I'm gettin' too old for this shit...
Cop 1: (Clapping other cop on the back) Had to be done. Metal spatula's not to be messed with.
(Lights down on the house, up on Narrator who is eating fast food from a bag)
Narrator: (Between disgusting chews, talking with his mouth full) There's a moral to our tragic tale today. It's only common sense, but it bears repeating. Don't break into rich people's homes. And, if you do, don't touch their stuff; they need it. (More large bites of food) That's it... no other messages here today... nothing else to be learned from this story. She was a bad kid... you saw it... C'mon, don't look at me like that... she had it coming... Ummm... can we just bring the lights down? Please? (Long pause, nervous actions on the part of Narrator, who eventually sneaks off the stage)