He Shoots. He Scores.
(College library. A small, good-looking young woman sits at a table doing homework. Enter a rather loud group of jocks, blathering, punching each other, being generally way too rowdy for a library. Their conversation is essentially stereotypical; what rowdy jocks might talk about - lewd jokes, sports, boasting about sexual conquests, athletic bragging, putting each other down, homosexual innuendo, discussing great parties or stupid things they've done and now remember with pride. Their lines are improvisational and should feel out-of-control and off-the-cuff. After a while of this, they sit at a larger table near the woman, toss their backpacks down, continue the rude talk, and one of the men, obviously the alpha-jock, grabs a lose sheet of paper, crumples it up, indicates his target - a small trash can off-stage - and lets the paper wad fly. It "goes in". He takes a few bows, raises his arms and shouts)
Alpha-jock: He shoots! He Scores!! Did you see that shot?!
(Rowdiness and ad-libs continue; the woman gets more and more annoyed. Alpha-jock crumples another sheet and tosses it to another unseen trash can - it doesn't matter where the trash can is exactly, the main point being that this time the paper wad should be thrown over the woman's head. It "goes in". This was a harder shot. The jocks roar and demean the alpha-jock, who lets out a loud shout)
Alpha-jock: He shoots!! He Scores!! Holy shit! That was an amazing fucking shot!
(More rowdiness, same routine. Alpha wads up paper, puts it in his mouth and gets it soaking wet. He hurls it against a portrait hanging on the upstage wall. It hits with a huge splat of spit and partially-digested paper. Same routine.)
Alpha-jock: He shoots! He scores! Oh man! That's freaking awesome!
(Woman is quite noticeably upset by this latest display; she let's out a loud, frustrated, angry sigh. This is a mistake. Lewd comments start coming her way; first indirectly, but then getting more and more personal and direct, although they never directly address her. Alpha-jock wads up paper again, tosses it in a high arc so that it lands right in front of woman. Much laughter and mocking of alpha-jock and his target. "How could you miss the trash so badly, man?" "That was the worst pick-up line you've ever thrown at a girl." etc...)
Alpha-jock: Hey! He shoots, he scores, right?
(General acknowledgement that this somehow constituted a "score" in their eyes. Woman tries to remain calm; she's not going to let these pricks win this game. She resolves to show no emotion. She calmly turns her chair slightly away from the jocks. Jocks notice, teasing continues, Alpha-jock chews on another wad of paper, tosses it in high arc at woman. Disgusting splat very close to her, possibly on her book. Lots of hooting and laughter from jocks.)
Alpha-jock: (roaring in conquest) He shoots!! He scoooorrrrressss!!
(Woman brushes away spit wad nonchalantly. Jocks get more directly abusive toward her, trying to one-up each other with lewdness or, at least, loudness. Alpha-jock takes off his shoes and socks. He balls up the socks then tosses them directly at the woman. They hit her. Rowdiness increases.)
Alpha-jock: He shoots! He scores!
(Jokes get very direct and graphic; they begin addressing her personally, making up crude names for her, etc... The alpha-jock pulls the nearest guy to him and whispers something in his ear as tauntings continue. The alpha-jock's accomplice stands up, moves very close to woman's table, turns his back on the table and bends over, butt facing woman. Alpha-jock makes an exaggerated show of lining up his friend's butt with the woman's head, pretending to be do so with military-like precision and rigor. At his sharp command of "Ready!" his friends pulls down his pants and shorts, mooning the woman, "Aim", the friend offers his finger to alpha-jock, and "Fire", alpha-jock pulls finger friend farts toward woman.)
Alpha-jock: Oh yeah! He shoots! He scores!
Laughter everywhere, much high-fiving, etc... Alpha-jock sees that he's not getting much of a rise out of woman. Abruptly decides to try a different tack.)
Alpha-jock: Hey, just knock it off, guys! I think we've done enough. (Woman looks up slightly; she is surprised by this, but she also knows better than to show it.) Let's just cool it, alright? (He gets up and approaches woman) Hey, listen, I'm sorry my friends here have been so rude to you. We'll back off. I'm really ashamed about everything they just did. Sorry. (She gives him only the slightest acknowledgement, maybe a slight head nod. She accepts the apology for what it is: half-assed and probably false. Long pause. Alpha-jock crouches down next to woman, begins in a stage whisper) Truth is... I noticed you a few weeks ago; I just wanted an excuse to get to know you. Then these guys... I shouldn't have brought them along. They can be such asses. So, again, I apologize. Friends? (He offers his hand; she tentatively takes it.) Hey, looks like you're quite a student! Man, I wish I had your ability to concentrate on all my homework like you do. I could use some serious, professional help with my research, right now... it's just not going anywhere... can I take you to the caf? I'll buy you supper, and you can help me understand my topic and research, you know? (pause) Sound o.k. with you? We could go right now? O.K.? (Woman nods, then starts gathering her books, turns her back to the audience and starts filling her backpack.) Oh... hey! That's great! You'll probably be the perfect person to help me, you know, it's a great topic, but you really need two people when you're researching the history of oral sex! (Turns back toward his gang who are laughing uproariously now. He makes a basketball shot motion and shouts) He shoots!!! He scoooooorrrrrresssssss!!!!! (Turns back to the woman with a cruel smirk on his face; she has been expecting this, she quickly stands up from her backpack and whips around to face the alpha-jock. She is smiling and holding a sawed-off pistol-grip double-barrel shotgun. She levels it at his stomach, the jocks at the table haven't even noticed yet. She pulls the trigger; alpha-jock flies backward, holding his insides in, blood everywhere. He moans and rolls about the floor. Woman moves toward the table of jocks. She is reloading and pointing at alpha-jock and saying in mock excitement and frivolity)
Woman: Hey guys! Look! Look! (She finishes reloading, pointing gun at random jocks in turn) He's shot! He's gored! Get it? Get it? (She attempts to get high-fives from the jocks, but they are too busy whimpering in fear as the lights fade out)
(end)
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