Brendon Writes 11 New Jokes for the Very Serious

Joke #1:

Three guys walk into a bar and order a pizza. The bartender tells them that they don't serve pizza. The three guys leave the bar and walk into another bar and order a pizza, but that bar also doesn't serve pizza. They leave, feeling increasingly frustrated.

Joke #2:

A man visits a prostitute. After having sex, he realizes that he has left his wallet at home. The prostitute gets upset and demands that he call someone at his home and have the wallet delivered there. The man then realizes that he doesn't have cash in his wallet anyway, but he does remember the number and expiration date of his American Express card. The prostitute doesn't take American Express. They are at a very awkward impasse.

Joke #3:

A priest, a rabbi and a goat are debating the nature of God. This debate is being broadcast on the radio. You are listening, and the whole time you can't believe how eloquent that goat is.

Joke #4:

A teacher asks his class why Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation. Several students give decent answers, but the only black child in the class feels like the teacher is looking at him the whole time.

Joke #5:

A dead baby is found in a dumpster in a bad part of town. Everyone agrees that this is very tragic and probably also symbolic of something deeply wrong with our society.

Joke #6:

A boy tries to kiss Helen Keller which really surprises her because she didn't even know he was there. It turns out that this boy never was very good at communicating. Years later, in her memoirs, Ms Keller would remark on the irony of this situation.

Joke #7:

A drunk man walks into a crowded funeral home and pulls down his pants. Thankfully, a cool-headed police officer who happens to be attending the wake is able to quickly escort the man from the building before any further embarrassment occurs. The drunk man is arrested and charged with several misdemeanors. As of this writing, the case is still waiting to be processed by an overburdened court system.

Joke #8:

A blonde woman wearing a bikini is hitchhiking along the interstate. She gets picked up by three fraternity brothers. They are so charmed by her physical appearance that they drive ten miles out of their way to get her to her destination. Not once during the trip does anyone ask why the woman is only wearing a bikini and hitchhiking on a federal highway, though it seems like it should be cause for some concern.

Joke #9:

Your momma is so fat that I'm going to give her the number of a registered dietitian who should be able to help her lose weight. Can you keep me posted as to whether or not she follows up?

Joke #10:

A gay guy is showering at the local health club. Another man enters the shower area. This man is probably more accurately described as bi-curious. They talk about a television show they both enjoy. One of these guys is named Wendell, but I can't remember which one.

Joke #11:

A teenage boy and girl are on their first date. They go to a movie that they both want to see. The boy is so nervous he spills his soda in his lap. Now, his pants are sticky and smell like Dr. Pepper. If he were smoother, he might have asked the girl to help him clean his pants, but he understands that "smoother," in this case, would be a synonym for sexist and disrespectful.