November 6, 2008


What Would Jesus Do Over?

1. His latest strawberry flan - tasted "plasticy"

2. Cross dismount - was not able to stick the landing like he knows he can

3. Love - pretty sure he's missing something in the formula

4. Walking on water - felt too show-offish

5. Myrrh addiction - should have recognized the symptoms at an early age

6. The Golden Rule - add an "especially if you claim to be one of my followers" clarification

7. Frat selection - could've been in DPK if he'd let up on the "covetousness" moralizing

8. Changing water to wine - you think he'd have learned from the myrrh problems

9. Christianity - in need of an escape clause


Circe said...

10. Riding donkey into town - not show-offy enough, should have been a Cadillac.

11. Crucifiction - too bloody, go for poison next time.

12. Sermon on the mount - I mean, blessed are the poor - who cares about the poor?!? Should have been more celebratory of thug life.

13. Leveling and planing of Joseph's bookshelf - even though I'm the son of God, I really blew that bookshelf I built for my earthly father. Sorry, Earthdad.

14. Would have worn pants - robes let too much sand into the crack. Who cares if pants are heathen's clothes?! I want a clean crack.

Unknown said...

15. Would have been buried under some pussy willows. Slipped a disk moving that fucking rock.

16. Would have made meatloaf instead of fish and bread.

17. Would eat less soy. Gas really gets in the way when doing Sermon on the Mound.

18. Would have pimped out Mary Magdelane. Need the bling, yo.

19. Would have advertise middle name of Norman. What's this "H" shit?

20. Would have kept away from that Hindi stripper. What a waste of 20 years.

Jim H. said...


Back in the satiric saddle again, without the pandering. I like it!

21. Throwing the money-changers out of the temple. On second thought, should have handed them the title to the temple at a very high interest rate with a very large balloon.

Unknown said...

22. Would have made water into vodka for a milder hangover.

23. Would have emphasized the "bring you a new testament" part, would have more even-tempered followers that way.

24. Prove existence in modern times by give incurable flatulence to televangalists, not just dubbed it in and posted it on Youtube.