April 30, 2008

The Colossal Squid Reveals All

The ongoing, laborious dissection of a 10-meter long colossal squid in New Zealand revealed an 11-inch diameter eye, believed to be the largest single eye of any living creature, and making some of the scientists race from the lab shouting "Ahhhhh! The Cyclops! The Cyclops! It has returned, as the Oracle foretold!"

After calming reassurances, dissection has continued.

The squidologists have uncovered many heretofore unknown features of this most elusive monster of the coldest, darkest, deepest, wettest waters of the cold, dark, deep, wet oceans.

1. Two very large monocles - one for far-sightedness; the other, for sunny days

2. A lot of other creatures' wallets - long tentacles making the colossal squid quite a pickpocket

3. A funny baseball cap offering "Beak Rides" for "only 5 cents"

4. A Nintendo 64 - squid gaming system access trails that of many other marine animals

5. An aluminum bat - perhaps for delivering more effective beatdowns

6. 25 grams of black tar heroin, though scientists suspect police may have planted this in an attempt to frame the squid for reasons unknown to any on this side of the thin blue line

7. Two genital piercings

8. A set of keys for an, as yet, undiscovered squidmobile (apparently made by Honda)

9. A hell of a lot of mittens


Anonymous said...

10. A strangely convex and translucent forehead making pea-sized brain appear more walnut-sized.


Brendon Etter said...

Thanks, Pat! Squids are the funniest animal. By "funniest", I mean, "sexiest".

Christopher Tassava said...

11. Handcuffs.

12. A receipt from Target for a $42 ink refill cartridge.

13. A legal pad on which was written, over and over and over, "Kill the sushi chefs. Kill the sushi chefs."