Leading comely write-in candidate for Mayor, Brendon Etter, has legally changed the spelling of his name.
His obsessively punctual and litigious campaign manager, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NDP, OMG, announced before a crowded crowd of people, "His Candidacy would like it known that his name can now be officially spelled 'x' or '✔'."
"This should greatly simplify voting for your average Joe Six-Pack or Sally Smokes-Too-Much," continued Ackerman, her eyes aflare with a zombied passion for the One True Candidate.
"Brendon feels that far too many voters will have too little time to spend in the voting booth. Writing out His full name will be detrimental to Brendon's chances; so we opted to change it to either 'x' or '✔', both will work."
"We need to make democracy accessible to everyone who can vote for our candidate," opined Ackerman, "we need people to vote for Brendon through any means necessary!"
"Also, we, as a campaign, want to make it clear that even really dumb people should vote. People who can't be trusted to spell a proper name. We have to appeal to dumb people; they're such a huge, stupid part of the electorate."
Brendon Etter was quick to point out that his original name would also still work on the ballot.
According to Etter, "I'm sure there are a few bright people out their who can properly spell. It would be wrong to not give them a chance to prove their smartousness."
Ackerman weighed in to tell the assembled throng of a reporter that, "Even when spelled 'x' or '✔', the name is still pronounced 'Brendon Etter'. We can't give up the mellifluity of two such inspirationally juxtaposed words."
2 comments:
What about a filled-in circle? Next to another candidate's name? That's almost impossible to get wrong.
As our current mayor has now been criminally charged, we must plan for your legal defense fund upon your election. Clearly, it is too much to ask that an elected official refrain from the commission of criminal acts.
Perhaps we should consider a write in "IOU" to also be a vote for Brendon? Then, in the event of future litigiousness, we can go to the public to make good on their promise to pay. Just brainstorming here.
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