Why Is My Child Crying?

1. You did peel off the duct tape/crazy glue full-face gag awfully fast.

2. Probably hungry again, even though you just fed him last summer.

3. You have been somewhat unprofessional in your attempts to remove her larynx.

4. You are his parent.

5. Pushed the wrong button on Daddy's table saw toy.

6. Lacking in proper boundaries since you removed her from the closet.

7. Inflation for the fourth quarter was slightly higher than he would normally like to see.

8. She's ugly and no one likes her, and you keep reminding her of that.

9. He is constantly and mercilessly bullied in his one-student homeschool classroom.

10. Unwisely mixed NyQuil and Bjork.

11. Her Ferrari has a flat; relegated to driving the Porsche.

12. He's allergic to force-fed broccoli.

13. Jesus wants her dead.

14. He's "on fire" or something "burns real bad" or "dear God, my eye" or blah blah blah... Kids.

15. Home abortion kit did not work as pleasantly as advertised.

16. Severe depression with crippling social anxiety and a minor case of rabies.

17. He just found out what an automatic pencil sharpener is not for.