OTHER NAMES FOR THE GIRAFFE

1 - Extreme Horse

2 - El Tonguerino

3 - Captain Gangly 

4 - Not Your Starting Point Guard

5 - Bizarre Sex Fetish #187

6 - KneeKnobbles

7 - The Worst Spy

8 - Height Hog

9 - Doug and / or Nancy

10 - Portable Car Shed

11 - Llamasaurus

12 - Cloud Burper

13 - World's Most Expensive Step Ladder

WHERE IS MY MIND?

My mind left me years ago.  Where is it?  Good question.  I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities.

- Stuck to a funny porcupine.

- Down on the corner, out in the street, though it seems impossible for it to be both places at once.

- Trying on bow ties at an unnamed menswear shop.

- Riding herd.

- Somewhence.

- Soaking in its own gravy.

- Starring in a very special episode of.

- Telling me that my call is very important to it.  Please hold.

- Just fuckin' around.

- Writing a play about a late-night waitress and an angry short-order cook in a seedy cafe on the outskirts of a dying, midwestern, industrial town.

- Waltzing. Always waltzing.

Breathe, Damn you!

BREATHE, DAMN YOU and other thoughts: A list of things I am yelling at the guy dying in front of me

1 - "There's a time and place for everything except dying, damn it!"

2 - "Well! I never!"

3 - "You have at least four more stages of grief to get through very fast!"

4 - "Does your health insurance provider cover imminent death services?!"

5 - "Hurry up, you!"

6 - "Hold on!  I just got a text!"

7 - "Do you see a light or a disco ball?!"

8 - "You're really embarrassing me!"

9 - "Nice shoes!"

10 - "Are you even listening to me at all?!"

11 - "I'm totally a Good Samaritan!"

12 - "This relationship is not providing opportunities for me to grow as a person!"

13 - "Why does everything have to be about you?!"

14 - "Arrrrrrrrrrrggg what?!"

15 - "Gross!"