Brendon Etter Reveals The Horrible Truth About His Opponents

My friends, I want to speak to you very seriously about a very serious issue in this very serious campaign.

An issue I have somewhat stoically and altogether heroically refrained from addressing these many months.

You see, I thought that this campaign could be about the issues that really matter: me, my smokiness, my sensuality, my brilliant ideas, and my smoky sensuality.

Sadly, my friends, we can no longer afford the luxury of winning this campaign on the content of my sensual character. The landscape has changed. Votes I thought I could count on are now hanging chads in the tossed salad of democracy.

My opponents, my friends, my opponents are crafty and entirely unscrupulous in their manipulation of the electorate. But ask yourself this: "Do I really know who these two other candidates are?"

Chances are you, my friends, don't.

Oh, sure, you who know who they say they are, but what do you know of these two pretenders - these interlopers, these non-Brendons - to my eventual mayorship?

Very little. That's because they're hiding something. They're covering something up.

They are throwing a creamy dressing on top of that tossed democracy salad.

And that creamy dressing, my friends, is ranch.

Yes, my friends, I must come out and disclose that which my opponents do not want you to know.

They are white!

Both of them.

My decision to break this story, my friends, was made with a heavy heart. I do it only to protect your interests.

I liken it to playing a game of poker. I have my hand. I know I can win if I play it right, but my opponents have aces up their sleeves. They're holding out on you, the voter!

So, frustrated by their secretive, distrustful ways, I slap down my cards, get up from the table, and go to the fridge. When I come back to the game, I serve them notice that, from that point on, I will be eating Race Chips, drinking Race Beer, and smoking Race Cigars, but I will only be playing the No-Race Card.

My foes have cunningly avoided mentioning their race this entire time. Can they be trusted, my friends? Did they expect us to just believe they had a race of some sort? Clearly, they don't, and I need everyone to understand that.

I respect my future constituency too much to let you all be drooling suckers (again) for the lie that they were not untelling. Don't fall into that trap, my friends, into the phony appeal for racial understanding; for with my opponents, there can be no racial understanding.

They are simply not racial.

I hope now, my friends, you can see my challengers for who they really are.

Two white people.

Thank you, my friends, for listening.

Brendon Etter Changes His Name To Spread Democracy

Leading comely write-in candidate for Mayor, Brendon Etter, has legally changed the spelling of his name.

His obsessively punctual and litigious campaign manager, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NDP, OMG, announced before a crowded crowd of people, "His Candidacy would like it known that his name can now be officially spelled 'x' or '✔'."

"This should greatly simplify voting for your average Joe Six-Pack or Sally Smokes-Too-Much," continued Ackerman, her eyes aflare with a zombied passion for the One True Candidate.

"Brendon feels that far too many voters will have too little time to spend in the voting booth. Writing out His full name will be detrimental to Brendon's chances; so we opted to change it to either 'x' or '✔', both will work."

"We need to make democracy accessible to everyone who can vote for our candidate," opined Ackerman, "we need people to vote for Brendon through any means necessary!"

"Also, we, as a campaign, want to make it clear that even really dumb people should vote. People who can't be trusted to spell a proper name. We have to appeal to dumb people; they're such a huge, stupid part of the electorate."

Brendon Etter was quick to point out that his original name would also still work on the ballot.

According to Etter, "I'm sure there are a few bright people out their who can properly spell. It would be wrong to not give them a chance to prove their smartousness."

Ackerman weighed in to tell the assembled throng of a reporter that, "Even when spelled 'x' or '✔', the name is still pronounced 'Brendon Etter'. We can't give up the mellifluity of two such inspirationally juxtaposed words."