Mistakes I Made Trying To Pick Up This Hot 19-Year Old

1. Tried to pick up hot 19-year old.

2. Also, tried to physically pick her up. Covered for my lack of upper-body strength by asking "How fat are you?"

3. Attempted to use my "Italian Lover" accent, not knowing her family had been slain by a rock band called "The Italian Lovers".

4. Made a few too many obscure references to Shakespeare, who was, apparently, way before her time.

5. Told her that up to one-third or 83 cents, whichever was the lesser, of her next drink was on me.

6. Opening line was "Hey. Didn't I used to babysit you?"

7. Excused myself to go to the bathroom. Came back with my zipper down and toilet paper sticking out of my open fly.

8. Perhaps unwisely used this former #8 as my pick-up line.

9. Untied her.

10. Used the words "neato" and "groovy".

11. Politely inquired if I could, perchance, drug her drink for her.

12. Obfuscated the age issue by reminding her that I am seven years younger than Johnny Depp, and he's good-looking.

13. Tried to engage her intellectually by talking about her "nice knobs".

14. Allowed her to see me.