August 8, 2007

Other Groups and Activities the Northfield City Council Secretly Sponsors in City Offices While It Meets

It has come to this pundit's attention that the Northfield, Minnesota city administrator and city council have been allowing a local collaboration of Christians to pray for the council using the city administrator's office during council meetings.

Under the belief that one must pray near the potential recipient of your prayers in order for a purportedly all-knowing God to discern on whom He should practice His ministrations, this group claims proximity as a driving force behind its need to pray in the city administrator's office.

Lest you scoff at their naivete, science backs up their claim. To wit, if they are relegated to an off-site prayer bunker, their prayer waves (Einstein's rabbi would prove that prayer waves were also prayer particles.) suffer an increased likelihood of reflection, obfuscation and misdirection by having to travel farther through atmospheric "devil rays" and "beelzebubbles". This means their prayers are far more likely to enlighten and guide the decisions of, say, nearby Faribault's city council.

In short, their prayers, if fired in diluted fusilades from remote bivouacs about town, could rain down on unsuspecting government leaders as far away as northern Iowa. This seems harmless until you realize that the Mason City, Iowa council may waste $2,500 erecting four stop signs and painting pedestrian crosswalks at the intersection of Prairie and Woodley streets, only to find that those two roads, while crossing in Northfield, Minnesota, don't even exist in their town.

Needless to say, I join conservative Christian opinion in my town in supporting these divine sentries.

I feel it is my duty, though, to avoid hypocrisy by supporting the following organizations and activities also secretly sponsored by Northfield's leaders on city property during council meetings.


1. Evil Clowns with Power Tools

2. German Revisionist History Association

3. Pyromaniacs Unlimited

4. Atheists United for Rational Governmental Decisions

5. Shi'a-Sunni Revenge Club

6. Children's Underwear Swap Meet

7. Konservative Kristian Koalition

8. Scientologists for Source Guidance of City Leaders

9. Vapid Prayer Defense League

10. Clothing-Optional Meditation Organization

11. Shadow city council

12. Rehearsal space for Northfield's premier death-metal band, SkullKrank

13. Leather Boys, International

14. Communal fish-gutting parties

15. Prayer Blockers of Southern Minnesota

7 comments:

Christopher Tassava said...

As the formerly-secret Chief Nonbeliever of the organization you name in your item #15, I wanted to point out that #1 and #5 are now hosting a joint meeting. Just follow the screams and the blood.

Griff Wigley said...

Omigodinheaven, Brendon. Or can I say "Holy Fucking Shit" here? If not, please edit/delete.

I laughed my ass off when I read this. We have to talk.

In the meantime, tho, thank you for keeping things respectful over in the topic at LG.

Jim H. said...

The Organization for the Creation of Regional Arts Programs (OCRAP) meets on the second Thursday of even-numbered months in the city hall elevator. The co-chairs take turns hitting the "up" and "down" buttons.

Bleeet said...

Thanks for the nice and funny comments. Yes, Griff, you can say "holy fucking shit" on my blog... you can even say unholy fucking shit if you want. I don't mind.

Every once in a while, I like to focus the satire on community issues, even though I'm a bit exercised about this one, in reality. I'm sure I'll post more on the thread on LG after work today, especially after listening to Roder and Cashman's almost silly comments that you posted.

Christopher, I was vice-chair for Mystical Mucking on the Prayer Blockers of Southern Minnesota for three years!

Jim, I think the NAG sponsors that group right now, don't they?

Griff Wigley said...

I think a case could be made that since asking Jesus to guide our leaders at City Hall hasn't been working out too well lately, we should bring in some Muslims to see what Allah might be able to do. Isn't it good to have a strong bench in cases like this?

Bleeet said...

Jesus has a strained quad and a lot on his mind. Not on top of his game.

We'll have to give Mohammed a try, and we'll get Vishnu and Thor warming up in the metaphysical bullpen.

Hopefully, we won't have to get the Flying Spaghetti Monster into the game; don't like to use It on just two days rest.

Griff Wigley said...

Ahh, praise to the FSM!